Knowing Your Nugget

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Cuileann McKenzie

29 May 2005

First UU Church of Austin

4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756

www.austinuu.org

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button.

PRAYER:

From Singing the Living Tradition, #496

From arrogance, pompousness, and from thinking ourselves more important than we are, may some saving sense of humor liberate us. For allowing ourselves to ridicule the faith of others, may we be forgiven.

From making war and calling it peace, special privilege and calling it justice, indifference and calling it tolerance, pollution and calling it progress, may we be cured.

For telling ourselves and others that evil is inevitable while good is impossible, may we stand corrected.

God of our mixed up, tragic, aspiring, doubting, and insurgent lives, help us to be as good as in our hearts we have always wanted to be. Amen. — Harry Meserve

AFFIRMATION OF FAITH:

Cuileann McKenzie, Worship Associate

While considering Sally’s idea that knowing your nugget, your core values, is helpful to navigate the freedoms and choices that face us, I was struck by the paradox that in my life, it often has been facing choices that has helped me discover and define my nugget. Indeed it seems that choices and values are somewhat interdependent. Choices push us to contemplate values as well as the other way around.

I got my B.A. in a program titled “Rhetoric and Professional Writing” – rhetoric being given the classical definition of the “art of persuasion” rather than the contemporary, popular meaning of someone seeming to deceive. The program’s courses provided a broad foundation for a writing career in any number of areas, from writing those wonderful software manuals, to political speech writing, to advertising copywriting, and so on. However, we all were reminded, particularly in our introductory courses, that once we accepted a job, our focus would be on helping our employer get their message across convincingly, whether we agreed with the ideas or not. It all seemed too mercenary for me – like we were just “communication guns for hire.” I discovered that at my core, it was important to have personal meaning in my work – to help others and to foster independence in thinking.

With this nugget in mind, I chose to go into teaching. It was when I was completing my Bachelor of Education, that the notion of having integrity when teaching was introduced by my professors. At that point in time, preparing to teach high school nine years ago in Canada, teachers were given quite a bit of freedom and trust in developing their own teaching style and evaluation methods. We were encouraged to be creative and thoughtful, giving students many choices to suit their individual strengths, as we developed lessons and assignments. But as we all know, knowing your nugget and then consistently living by it are two different things, and there’s the rub. In the “real world” of full time teaching, it seemed that many of us, at least some of the time, followed along well-worn traditional paths simply out of default rather than thoughtful choice. It’s hard to find the energy to be creative, when you’re buried in essays that need marked and with exams coming up soon.

Now I’m writing a novel, and knowing my nugget is becoming even more important to me, as a book invites a world of criticism and comments. Along with (hopefully) some people who will like my book, I know there will be some people who won’t. In my mind, I can already hear some of the comments, and I have thought about how I’ll respond to them. My nugget seems pretty clear to me. In writing my novel, it’s been a priority to create characters who are complex and conflicts that are complicated. In short, I’m aiming for the book to reflect real life. No character is wholly good or wholly bad and everything isn’t cheerily wrapped up in a completely happy ending. Real life is messy, real people are messy, and our complicated world is something to be both examined and celebrated – that’s the nugget of truth that has guided me in writing my novel.

In the upcoming revising process, I recognize as well that working within your nugget does not mean rejecting all criticism; rather, knowing your nugget can guide you in recognizing the constructive suggestions that will strengthen what you’re putting into the world. When I start working with an agent and editor, I anticipate doing re-writes, adding or deleting sections, and I’ll make these changes eagerly as long as the writing is made stronger and the nugget of the story remains intact.

To me, at this point in my life, knowing my nugget means writing with integrity. In my life overall, I’m thankful for the role that choices and freedoms have played in helping me discover, and live by, my core values, my nugget. Likewise, I appreciate the guidance that these values will give me as I make important decisions in the future. I’m sure as my life moves on, my values and choices will continue to influence each other. As time passes, we grow, we evolve, so my nugget ten years from now might be different. Hopefully, over time it will swell with wisdom, and glow with guidance.

SERMON: Knowing Your Nugget

Victoria Shepherd Rao, Intern Minister

What does this cutesy sermon title mean? Knowing Your Nugget? When this worship topic was suggested at the winter meeting of the Worship Associates program here at this church, it was expressed as “survival skills.” This topic is one of the very few which were suggested by one member of the Worship Associates group and taken on as a writing assignment by another member in the group. Sally Dennis, a young woman who teaches for the Austin School District on the eastern side of town suggested the topic. She wanted the issues of taking on roles and responsibilities, something we all do as functioning adults living in families and working in the community, to be examined including how hard it can be to find a core self there in us, somewhere underneath all the roles. I think it is a concern many of us can relate to. Knowing our religious center is something Davidson repeats over and over again to everyone who is listening, like a mantra. The core of our being or the nugget of truth of our own unique, individual, authentic being . Is there such a thing? Is it always there waiting for us to notice? Can we recognize it, quiet down and relax enough to sense it? Or does it speak to us regularly? Is it the guiding light of your life, the key to your priorities and the source of your motivation?

You have heard Cuileann’s reflections on the possibilities which come from knowing your nugget, and I want to share a story too. It is the story about how I came to know my last dog, Shef. I first saw Shef one day as I walked along the sidewalk of the industrial neighborhood where I worked in downtown Toronto. I worked in a fancy artsy animation studio in a large renovated warehouse, but across the street from the studio there was the gated yard of a stone mason. It looked pretty rough from across the street. Corrugated steel walls, barbed wire atop. Rundown. The gate was a standard frost fence. Off to the side there was a steel shed. There was a mountain of peat moss in big square bags off to the rear, large ground moving equipment parked haphazardly. I would never have noticed any of this except one day I happened to look over and saw Shef.

He was sitting at the gate. Sitting quietly and watching the street. He was a pup, maybe four months old. He looked like a German Shepherd with a big solid body, huge upright ears, a dark face and muzzle and light brown eyes. He didn’t notice me any more than anyone else on the street but from that first moment I could not forget about him. The next day I went up to the gate to meet him. He was happy for the attention. He was chained to the shed with a bare wire, sharp ends jutting out, attaching his collar to the chain. I felt concerned for him. I started to wonder about his owner or caretaker, was it the owner of the yard?

The studio had a cafeteria at the front of the building on the second floor, overlooking the yard opposite. It was a somewhat bleak foreground view but with quite a spectacular city scape view with the CN Tower in the background. It provided me with a great vantage and I began to spy on the operation across the street. It did not take me long to learn a crew of men arrived early in the morning, parked their vehicles on the street, prepared loads and took one or two trucks out all day, returning around six o’clock. The pup was acknowledged in a minimal way. It was fed in the evening. Open a can of dog food, push back the lid, throw it over to the dog. I could not see any sign that the dog was cruelly treated and he expressed no fear when I visited with him through the gate.

Now I was working those days. I was a production coordinator for one of the preproduction departments at the animation studio. I managed the storyboards for all projects going through the studio. I had to stay “on top” of a lot of revisions but I certainly had time to watch the yard, visit with the pup, and obsess over whether I should try to improve his lot. It was clear that he was set in place to become a guard dog, alone and largely neglected for his whole life. Yet it was equally clear that he was, by nature, neither fearful nor mean. I felt my concern for him grow to enormous proportions in my life. Should I call the Humane Society? I wondered if I should try to steal the dog? Should I try to make friends with the owner and take care of the dog?

It wasn’t long before I was trespassing. I found a way in, climbing over a rear gate one afternoon, and I approached the pup from the inside of the yard. He was happy to see me, clearly excited by the prospect of some company. I sat down on the gravel and dirt beside the shed and pet him. He drank it in. I pulled out an apple and offered him a few pieces of it. He gently explored the bite-sized pieces with his nose and ate them all up. Then he lay down right beside me, and laid his head in my lap and fell asleep. This experience for me was akin to epiphany, the experience of seeing God. Webster’s defines epiphany as “a sudden, intuitive perception of reality or the essential meaning of something, often initiated by some simple commonplace occurrence.” The feeling I had was joy and at the presence of this pure being of love who had just laid himself down on me with a perfect trust. It was a perception of bliss. Unexpected, but unmistakable. I sat there and let him rest on me for a while and then I had to go. I did not want to get caught. It was painful to separate from Shef. From that first time our being together was so palpably life-giving, as if we physically nourished one another. Back in the office, the implications were confusing and they became more urgent. I asked everyone what I should do about this wonderful pup: my parents, my sisters, my friends, my coworkers. Mostly people had a hard time understanding why it mattered so much, why I was so impassioned. I could not rest until I responded to the nugget of truth which I witnessed in this creature. It reminds me of the feeling St. Augustine expressed about finally finding rest in his connection to God. I had to respond to this dog. Should I call the Humane Society and subject him to the impersonal safety of an institutional cage? Should I try to make friends with the owner and take care of the dog with his permission?

To make a long and involved story short, that is what I did. I made friends with Manual de Costa, a gentle Portuguese man who owned the yard, the trucks and the dog and I asked if I could help to take care of the dog. I am not sure what he thought about me but he agreed and gave me a key to his yard. I visited Shef before work, on my breaks, after work and on weekends. I replaced the wire with proper hardware. I fed him his dinner and started taking him out for walks. I encouraged my dog-loving coworkers who watched all of this while they were drinking their coffees and eating their lunches, to take their turn in walking Shef, buying him treats, donating old towels, etc. I kept the leash in my desk and folks from all over the studio dropped by to pick it up and take Shef out. Shef became a social butterfly and I got to know many new people at the studio. When winter came on, my father (bless his sweet soul) made Shef a wonderful two chambered, insulated doghouse. On the coldest mornings, I would take Shef cooked rolled oats and hot consume each morning. After work, we would play in the yard and walk the whole neighborhood together until my feet would be so frozen that I would could stand the pain no more. But those were very happy times. Shef and I wandered everywhere, old warehouses, parking lots the meadow hills above the rail tracks and yards. We went into the deserted exposition grounds of the Canadian National Exhibition and from there across to the parklands along the shoreline of Lake Ontario. For hours every day, we explored. I felt safe with Shef. He was eighty-five pounds full grown with an alert, intense gaze. Parting each day was still terrible. Shef knew the routine and that I would be back the next morning, but he would always bark his protest until I was out of earshot. The seasons of a full year passed with this lifestyle.

Once, Shef de Costa escaped the yard by climbing up the peat moss mountain and jumping down the ten foot wall to an adjoining parking lot. I remember a frightening search around the warehouses and on the tracks, finding him, and then beginning a slow project of convincing Manual to neuter him to curb his wondering instincts. I was amazed when he agreed. It was the beginning of Manual understanding that Shef had become my dog and when he finally gave Shef to me, he came home to stay. And that is where I’ll end my Shef story for now. I wanted to tell it to you this morning as an example of how natural and unpredictable and radical it can be to follow our bliss or the core of our truth- ‘knowing our nugget.’ The truth for me was the fact that the little pup sitting at that gate was a stellar canine, good as gold. The truth was that I could get as involved with him as I was willing to, no holds barred. The truth was that I could take care of his needs from across the street and that my heart was as thirsty as his to drink in the simple joy of reliable, trusting companionship. There was nothing better, nothing more humanizing, nothing more soul-satisfying for me to do.

Now, to switch gears, let us identify and distinguish between core values of a religious kind versus those of a social or political kind. Davidson has much to say in this area as well. He figures many Unitarian Universalists, including myself, are pretty confused about the nature of their core values. So, let’s take a look at a value we likely all share, that all people be treated with kindness and respect regardless of the religious ideas they hold. In terms of the purposes and principles this value touches on the first principle that affirms the worth and dignity of all persons, and the second principle that upholds equity and compassion in human relations, the third principle of the practice of acceptance of one another, and the fourth principle which upholds individual, free and responsible searches for truth and meaning. Now, how can we tell whether that is a religious value or a social or political value?

Let’s take a clearly religious idea to see if we can clarify the nature of our core values. Let’s say I believed the purpose of my life at the time I met Shef was to devote myself to this dog. If I was to meet you after church and reveal this to you, chances are you would not share this same orientation, you wouldn’t all of a sudden decide to follow me, but you, as a good UU, are still willing to worship with me because you want to have the freedom to hold unconventional beliefs too. We both value this freedom, maybe even more than we value the religious ideas about purpose and meaning themselves. We value the basic assumptions: that you and I can both handle experiments in thinking; that we can be trusted with trying on different worldviews; that we will not lose our grip on life; that we will not be damned to hell through our inquiry; that we will not hurt others with our thinking, but indeed, hope to make a positive difference in the world with the doing which flows out of our thinking.

The UU principles can be understood as a kind of infrastructure of affirmations to ensure that we have support from our communities regardless of the conventionality of our religious values. We make a commitment to equity and acceptance in relations with each other to pave the way for personal freedom to wonder about life. I take a path of communion with a befriended guard dog, and that is the core truth I bring to the table. You witness another religious idea that you do not necessarily buy, but you stay committed to equity and acceptance. That does start to sound like social and political values social in the concern for the well-being of all, political in the implied sharing of power by all But why? Is it because we believe the individual search for truth and meaning will result in people finding their core religious value and living it? How did Davidson say it last week, What do we serve with our time? What Gods or what high ideals do we dedicate ourselves to? What truths about life do our lives amplify? Life is good, healing is possible, prayer is transformative, love is surprising and expanding. My adventures with Shef revealed other nuggets of truth too, that people are trustworthy, that we can do a lot with small efforts, that love never faileth. Liberal religious values are served by our commitments to socially and politically empowering relationships but we also need wisdom to recognize our core religious values. We all need a North star to orient us and help us to navigate through life according to the most fundamental truths of our being. This has been the role of religion through the ages, the function of religious values.

Now I want to return to my story about Shef and take a look at the guidance I received at the time from a source of human wisdom, the I Ching. The I Ching or The Book of Changes is one of the most ancient texts of China. It is a complex book which likely emerged out of centuries of divination and oral tradition, with legendary authors, and layers of commentary revealing Taoist, Buddhist and Confucian worldviews. It was said that Confucius himself wore out three copies of the I Ching in his lifetime. I was introduced to the I Ching by a coworker friend, an older woman who was a free thinker, a martial artist, a dramatic person who understood life as a stage. She gave me The I Ching Workbook by R.L. Wing and a set of color-coded beads with which she taught me to use the book as an oracle. I did not ask her for these things, it was not for a birthday present. It was a case of pure grace. She herself used the I Ching for guidance through confusion and difficulty and I learned from her how to consult the text and how to frame questions in making an inquiry. I began to use the I Ching in the spring of 1987, not long before I started to work at the animation studio. It was that following October that I asked the question: What is the best approach to take to Shef? How much of my time do I give to him?

Now by that time I had already decided to get involved in his life, but I felt I needed guidance in determining how he should rate in terms of my priorities. Without going into a technical explanation of how answers are found in the I Ching, I want to share the answers I got to this particular question. The first was the answer the oracle gave was concerning the idea of Subordination. Subordination is a necessary condition for many people in many situations, whenever they are subject to conditions over which they have no control. Often the roles we play in family and organizations require our subordination. The time of subordination is one where it is wise for us to be content with fulfilling our role. Our capacities to plan and execute our plans must wait until circumstances change. The guidance I took from this was to continue with the role I had taken on as Shef’s caretaker within the limitations of his continuing role as guard dog for the stone mason, Manual de Costa.

The second answer the oracle gave concerned Great Power. When the oracle offers a second idea to consider, it is understood as an indicator of future developments on the subject of inquiry, so the notion of Great Power following subordination held promise. Great power is understood to be a true test of a person’s character. Wisdom dictates that the possession of great power can lead to progress and enlightenment or to chaos and evil, therefore it is important to have honorable motives and demonstrate correct behavior at such a time, always considering the demands of propriety and goodness. The promise of great power is that by bringing progress to others, you strengthen your own sense of well-being. The guidance I took here was to proceed naturally in the relationship with Shef with care and to trust the process of our growing friendship, and accepting whatever flowed from it with discernment.

As you can see, the nature of the answers and the guidance given by the I Ching is open to interpretation and is very much oriented to contemplation. Over the years, I have found that very helpful. When I get to a place which feels stuck or when I have to face a situation that confuses me, I have found consulting the I Ching, the process of retreat and ritual required, the reflection required to articulate the central question and the contemplation required to ingest the answers, to be a very comforting and reliable source of guidance. And that may be because it is in the tough personal work of framing our own questions that we have the chance to recognize our own deepest yearnings and highest calling.

More than any other ancient text, the I Ching has provided for me a sage perspective to the small troubles of my life. Like the wisdom traditions of all the world’s religions, it offers the observations and intelligence of countless generations. But the I Ching expresses some far eastern cosmologies which I want to highlight for you because they have provided for me useful variations on the western religious worldview which has a separate creator god showing up to make and control everything. There is still a divine realm, the realm of the invisible to which humanity is connected. There is the earthly realm as well where we dwell. Humanity itself becomes the connection between the two realms, complete with all the impulses and instincts of our nature, as well as the limitations and fates of our individual lives. Cosmic Order is a real possibility in this worldview. It is a matter of the harmony possible when the development of the individual matches the needs of the cosmos, or the condition of heaven and earth immediately around him or her. The Source of such cosmic order is envisioned as a well: deep, inexhaustible, a source of nourishment. The town can be moved but not the well. No, it must be returned to. The source contains and is born of the collective truth of humanity. It receives from the individual’s experience and gives to the individual’s nature. Penetrating the source of human meaning can be seen as the major theme of Chinese philosophy just as loving God can be seen as the major theme of the biblical religions. (I Ching)

Just listen to the bittersweet sentiment of a Rabbi who knows his nugget:

While I was young, when I burned with the love of God, I thought I would convert the whole world to God. But soon I realized that it would be more than enough to convert the people who lived in my town, and I made an effort for a long time, but was not successful. Then I realized that my agenda was still too ambitious, and I focused on the people in my household. But I could not convert them either. Finally, I realized: I must work on myself, if I’m really going to have something to offer God. But I didn’t even accomplish this. (From The Sun Magazine, Sunbeams, pg 48, March 2005)

In this one sad cry we hear the core religious value of love of God and the core religious value of always cleaving to the truth of the self in relation to God or to the cosmos. And religions are expressions and servants of the human quest to reach out beyond the horizon of self and self interest, no matter how badly they fail or we do. Knowing your nugget might not be easy or straightforward or even possible at times, but if we can become acquainted with the truths which connect us, as quirky individuals, to the whole enterprise of living and dying, and follow them amidst the whole mixed bag of life, and if we can keep connected, always returning to the truth, we will find guidance as we negotiate the freedoms, roles and responsibilities life presents us all with.

What is it you have to offer to God, or how is it you might serve your highest ideals, or the truth of your own authentic being? What are the epiphanies of your life? Are you ready to know your nugget? I will end with the popular mystic poet of Islam, Rumi’s advice when it comes to recognizing the religious values at the core of our being. He said:

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.