Have smaller fights

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Rev. Meg Barnhouse
October 4, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

We will talk about how to step into a conflict with an open heart, armed with ways to listen and to speak our truth. There are ways to disagree with one another without being disagreeable. Resilient rather than reactive.

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.
– Lao Tzu

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

A LITANY FOR SURVIVAL
by Audre Lorde

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children’s mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours;

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.

Sermon

These days we might feel that we are being tumbled in a giant slow-motion dryer. Whoops, we’re upside down again. Ok, I can adjust to that. OH NO, now we’re all upside down again!

Meanwhile, we have to keep our lives going. Things must be cleaned. Families must be loved. Work must be done. All of these things take time. It’s easy to get testy, overwhelmed. When we are testy and overwhelmed on this coronacoaster, if we run into a conflict with someone along the way, it might be that we don’t come at the conflict from the very best and most enlightened part of ourselves. Today we’re going to talk about how to have smaller fights. Let me talk about fighting for a moment. Almost all healthy families have fights.

People learn how to fight from the family they grew up in. Who was allowed to raise their voice? Who was allowed to show anger? How was anger shown? Were there some people who got cold and quiet in their anger? Was there someone who was angry very sweetly, with a smile on their face and a lilt in their voice? Did anyone throw things, or even hit? Did things go to nuclear level quickly, before calm discussion or intense negotiation?

We learn from how we grew up. As adults we adjust as we learn new things. I spent 15 years as a couples counselor, and I’ve seen a lot of different ways of making fights big.

How do you have a big fight? How do you escalate a disagreement into a fight?

- 1. You tell the other person what they think, feel, or believe. You saw this if you watched the debate. “You want to do blah blah blah,” or “You think blah blah is a good idea.” In my family growing up, this technique was expressed with an affectionate disappointed look. “You don’t think THAT!?”

- 2. You take what someone said and go to the extreme. I say “Black Lives Matter,” and someone else says “Oh, so….” (A SURE fire escalation technique is “oh, so….”) “Oh, so white lives don’t matter at all? Law enforcement lives don’t matter at all?” Not what I said. Why did you hear “only BLM?” “Oh, so” is also used to start sentences where you tell the other person how they think, feel, or believe. See method of escalation number one.

- 3. You tell the other person to calm down. This never helps a fight get smaller.

- 4. If this is a family disagreement, a good escalation technique is to tell someone they are just like their father. Or just like their mother.

5. Bring up things that happened long ago, that can’t be helped.

Now that I’ve told you 5 techniques for escalating a fight, it’s only fair that I tell some ways to make them smaller.

- 1. Remember that most people, when disagreeing, are scared. This passage from Hillbilly Elegy describes the mind of one person who holds trauma in their body.

For kids like me, the part of the brain that deals with stress and conflict is always activated… We are constantly ready to fight or flee, because there is a constant exposure to the bear, whether that bear is an alcoholic dad or an unhinged mom (p228)…. I see conflict and I run away or prepare for battle. (p246)

J.D. Vance, Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis

- 2. Remember that almost everyone has weak stitches, broken places. My friend Joanna Fontaine Crawford, the minister up north of here at Live Oak UU, describes trauma as everyone having a little shard of glass somewhere in their body/mind/spirit, and the only way to know where it is is by bumping it by accident. Especially now, as our country feels the strain of increasing polarization and a violent backlash against ant-racism movements, people are wound up.

- 3. Try to think: Resilient, not reactive. Reactive is when we come back at someone so fast it feels like it didn’t even come from our brain, that it came straight from our body. Can we be resilient enough to be quiet for a moment when someone is saying something uncomfortable. If you get defensive, there is no shame in that, because we all want to defend ourselves and the values we hold dear. But maybe give it five minutes so you can really understand what the other person is trying to say. Resilience takes practice.

- 4. Maybe ask a few questions before you respond. “Help me understand,” or “How did you come to this?” Or, if they’re telling you about something you did that hurt them, develop the resilience to ask “Tell me how it felt for you, when I said that.” Instead of “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “You’re so sensitive,” or “I’m insulted that you even thought I could mean something like that.” Or I’m sorry! I SAID I’m sorry, so drop it!”

5. Remember that at the root of most fights is the question: “Am I loveable?”

Let me close by repeating the call to worship reading this morning from Lao Tsu

In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.

– Lao Tzu

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