Doing Empathy

Rev. Marisol Caballero
January 25, 2015

Most of us would like to think that we are good at demonstrating empathy, but the truth is, we all sometimes fall short. We definitely know how it feels to be cared for and to feel less than important ourselves. How do we navigate that narrow space between showing that we truly care and risking getting it wrong?

Call to Worship
by Theresa Novak

Come into this place.
There are healing waters here
and hands with soothing balm
to ease your troubled days.

Bring your wounds and aching hearts,
your scars too numb to feel.
Your questions and complaints
are all welcome here.

Rest awhile.
Let the warmth of this community
surround you,
hold you,
heal you.

When you feel stronger,
just a bit,
notice those who need you too.
They are here.
They are everywhere.

Weep with them.
Smile with them.
Work with them.
Laugh along the way.

Pass the cup.
Drink the holy fire.
Take it with you into the world.
We are saved
and we save each other again, again,

and yet again.

Reading: “Who Knows You?”
By Kathleen McTigue

Some of the old New England graveyards are serene little pockets of neglect. Their slate tombstones lean at odd angles and the elegant calligraphy is barely legible, spelling out obscure colonial names like “Ozias” and “Zebulon.” Some of the inscriptions that can still be deciphered tell poignant stories of sons and husbands fallen in long-ago wars and young wives lost in childbirth. Clusters of brick-sized stones mark the deaths of children in some catastrophic winter. The engraved cries of lament – “Farewell Beloved Daughter” – evoke a tug of grief even now, though the people named have been dust and earth for two hundred years or more.

One of these graveyards in my town evokes a sadness of a different sort, held in the inscription on a modern tombstone marking the resting place of Franklin F. Bailey. He was born in 1901 and buried in 1988, so he lived a long time. His epitaph says simply, “Here lies a man that nobody really knew.”

What a strange message to leave echoing down through the years- and what a freight of sadness is held in that short phrase! It tells of isolation, loneliness, a life lived invisibly, a voice unheard. “Here lies a man that nobody really knew.” We circle around each other like small planets on which each of us is the only citizen. Spiritual practices are meant to turn us directly into that inner landscape, so we can know it well and without illusion. But their larger purpose is to show us pathways to one another, because with practice we come to know a bedrock truth of this human life: However different each inner landscape is from the others, the same winds blow through us all. They are the winds of longing and fear, doubt, hope and regret. No one is exempt. That simple recognition opens a deep well of compassion, both for our own struggles and for those taking place behind all the faces that surround us.

I wonder about Franklin Bailey every time I take a walk through that little graveyard. I also wonder about the Franklin Baileys who walk among us. Who today is living a life of unremitting loneliness, in my town, in my neighborhood, perhaps even in my own family? Before it comes time for a sad epitaph summing up their isolation, perhaps we can extend a bridge of compassion, allowing them to feel seen, heard, and touched-to be known a little, in the brief, common walk of our lives.

Sermon:

“Doing Empathy”

Several months ago, the shockingly disturbing video of NFL player, Ray Rice, knocking his fiance, Janay Palmer, unconscious with a punch to the face and dragging her out of an elevator was widely circulated online and on national news. In addition to the expected criticism of Rice, were attacks on the intelligence and personal integrity of the woman who shortly after being publicly assaulted, became Rice’s wife. The world wanted to know, why in the world would this woman stay with this terrible, violent man? Though this question came from a genuine concern for her safety, the harshness of the criticism was hardly empathetic. In a show of empathetic solidarity, survivors of domestic violence began posting their stories to social media under the hashtag, “why I stayed.” These included such responses as, “Because he isolated me from my friends and my family and I had no one to turn to when the abuse started.” “It’s not one day he hits you, it’s everyday he works hard to make you smaller.” And, “Because he called me and told me he had a gun to his head.”

Although these women, all survivors of domestic violence, themselves, did not have to make a huge leap of the imagination to empathize with Janay Palmer, their bravery in sharing their stories publicly (many for the first time) helped to take some of the nation’s displaced anger off of Palmer and place it back where it belonged, on Rice, the abuser. Those who hadn’t personally experienced domestic violence were given a different perspective and the reality of easier said than done gave way to a deeper understanding of the complexities of the situation for the abused.

Empathy is defined by Karla McLaren, author of “The Art of Empathy,” as, “a social and emotional skill that helps us feel and understand the emotions, circumstances, intentions, thoughts, and needs of others, such that we can offer sensitive, perceptive, and appropriate communication and support.” What may be different about this definition of empathy is that it does not simply end with feeling and understanding the emotions of others, but it is active – it requires for us to do something; to “offer sensitive, perceptive, and appropriate communication and support.”

To do empathy, we must employ the Platinum Rule, which I have spoken of here before- Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. Empathy is not about the self, but it is extremely beneficial to the practitioner. Empathy requires that we lay down our defensiveness, our advice, and our ideas about what we believe a logical response would be and attempt to view the world from another’s eyes. In order to fully appreciate another’s perspective, sometimes a remedial lesson in history is required. For example, (this is the sermon in which I’ll talk more about sports than you’ll probably ever hear me again)

The Washington Redskins insist upon keeping an extremely racist and antiquated name, despite the outcries of thousands of Native Americans and their allies. This centuries-old slur was originally used to describe the scalp of a slain Indian, paraded proudly by white invaders as a war trophy. Understanding this helps to see those rallying to change the team’s name less as over-sensitive crybabies and more as fellow humans, deserving of dignity.

For me, I have a similar reaction when I hear fans gush over the Texas Rangers baseball team. Many don’t realize that the Texas Rangers were originally employed to deal with the “Indian and Mexican problem.” The Rangers were a government-sanctioned lynch mob that regularly hunted random nonwhite Texans in order to rid the land of us. When I hear people cheering their name, I can’t help but shudder. It’s as if a sports team was named the KKK or Gestapo. It’s difficult, though, to voice such emotions when we have all experienced less-than empathetical responses to concerns that others do not share. I would hazard a guess that all of us have been on the foot-in-mouth end of such interpersonal exchanges, as well.

Like most virtues, empathy does not fall into the either-you-have-it-or-you-don’t category. Empathetic behaviors can be learned, practiced, and honed until empathy as a feeling comes as second nature more often than it did before and empathy as an action no longer feels as inauthentic and methodical. We live in an incredibly individualistic, self-centered society. We are given messages that solving our own problems and not burdening others with being the constant Debbie Downer is the definition of strength.

We spend gobs of money trying to understand ourselves, with introspective work such as psychotherapy, meditation retreats, and self-help books. While such individualistic pursuits are valuable and knowing oneself well does help us to understand how we relate to others, too, oftentimes we do not give outrospection the same attention as introspection. We are not really taught how or even the value of learning to understand how the “beliefs, experiences, and views” of others are different from our own and how these differing world views influence the actions and emotions of others, of those closest to us and of our nations enemies, alike.

In truth, research today shows us that although we are led to believe that humans are inherently an aggressive species, that waging war is a natural tendency, we are actually neurologically wired toward empathy to the point in which those relatively few who cannot exhibit empathy or cannot learn to understand the emotions and motivations of others are pathologized as “dangerous or mentally ill.” We have been taught that, biologically, we are all engaged in a fight to survive, that only the fittest will win, and that these self-preservation instincts are what has awarded us the top spot on the food chain. However, the knowledge that we are among the animal species who have survived and thrived through cooperation and empathy is gaining ground among contemporary scientists. Dutch primatologist, Frans DeWaal, tell us that, “Empathy is the one weapon in the human repertoire that can rid us of the curse of xenophobia. If we could manage to see people on other continents as part of us, drawing them into our circle of reciprocity and empathy, we would build upon, rather than going against, our natures.”

One recent breakthrough is the discovery of “mirror neurons” in our brains. These neurons become more active both when we experience pain and when we witness others experiencing pain. I always wondered why I can’t watch those silly home video shows- most often than not, someone is always diving into a cactus or falling off a trampoline! My mirror neurons can’t take it! Christian Keysers, head of the Social Brain Lab at the Netherlands institute for Neuroscience, sums it up like this,

“Let me be bold and say that this tells us a new story about human nature. As Westerners in particular, we are brought up to center our thinking on individuals- individual rights, individual achievements. But if you call the state of your brain your identity (and I would), what our research shows is that much of it is actually what happens in the minds of other people. My personality is the result of my social environment. The fate of others colors my own feelings, and thus my decisions. I is actually we. Neuroscience has actually put the “we” back into the brain. That is not a guarantee (and my wife will agree) that some of my actions are not egotistic and selfish, but it shows that egotism and selfishness are not the only forces that direct our brains. We are social animals to a degree that most didn’t suspect only a decade ago.”

The implications of this finding are vast. While we may have thought of ourselves or others as simply, “a people person,” or the opposite, we now know that these mirror neurons can be strengthened through practice! If you heard my last sermon, you might be thinking, “Ok” so I’m not great at demonstrating empathy YET!” Or, the opposite, “I have not YET learned how to reign in my tendency to be over-empathetic and take on the world’s pain. I will learn healthy boundaries YET!” As I mentioned earlier, through practice of empathic action, we can develop new neuropathways and actually begin to sincerely feel and behave like skilled empaths.

We have all had failed attempts at demonstrating that we care, so what is the right formula for showing empathy in a way that it will be well-received? The both sad and exciting truth is, there’s no one way to do empathy well. Empathetic conversation should be approached as a spiritual practice. It is not something we will win awards for if we get it right more often than not, but our humanity will grow and our soul fed each time we try, especially if we fall flat, because we’ll be learning new approaches. Epathetic exchanges will never be formulaic. This is a form of improve that requires both parties to be observant and to make guesses at the emotions of the other in order to respond appropriately.

A technique called “mirroring” was popular for awhile, though this always felt condescending to me when I was the recipient. This is an attempt to make sure that there is clear communication between two parties, but doesn’t really require that the listener attempt to step into the shoes of the other and understand their beliefs, feelings, and motivations. Besides, it just feels like I’m talking to a parrot or in an echoing cave when someone starts in with, “So what you’re saying is… ” and repeats what I’ve just said. I feel heard but not listened to.

It’s important, especially for talkative folks who have some of the world’s best advice for any occasion, such as moi to remember that empathetic listening is not about us, it’s about the one who needs our care at that moment. This is easier to remember with those outside of our inner circles. Our partners, closest friends, children, and other family members are usually the ones who get the short end of our empathetic sticks. We want so badly to one-up a sob story with our own, “You think that’s bad, wait till you hear what happened to me!” Or, we give in to the urge to prove that we are in the right, “Well, don’t yell at me for your lousy day! I’m not your bullying boss! All I did was ask how your day went!”

In “The Art of Empathy,” McLaren advocates for the need for occasional “conscious complaining.” Meg has told me that she’s employed this technique with Kiya. She’ll have had a frustrating encounter with someone while out and about & say, “Kiya, I don’t need advice or another perspective. I just need you to let me kvetch and then say, “Those rats!” (She said to be sure to mention that it’s never about anyone from the church.) Kiya will nod and do as requested. McLaren says that the role of the listener here is to “support the complaining with helpful, upbeat, “yeahs!” and “Uh huhs!” The safe haven created in this way for complaining, immediately removes the toxicity from it.

The point of empathy is to be aware of what the one in need of it needs. How do you know what they need? One way is to ask! It helps to take a crack at naming the emotion you’re sensing and then ask what the person needs, in words that come naturally to you. For example, “It seems like you’re really angry at the way your boss is speaking to you in front of your colleagues. Is that the case?” “Yes! He doesn’t treat anyone else this way and I’m sick of it!” “What do you think you need?” “I think I need to talk to him about it. I’ll go and see him on Monday.” “Good. I think that’s a great idea. It’s time he know how you feel about all this. Let me know how I can support you. I imagine a conversation like that can be anxiety-provoking to plan for.”

Empathetic conversations are adventurous and require courage & a willingness to be wrong sometimes. Hazzarding a guess at the emotions of another involves risk. Sometimes people deny their emotions because they are not ready or willing to be that vulnerable or simply because you are way off base. Cultural and linguistic differences can lead to confusion about emotional display, as well. I remember asking a Cantonese speaker if she had been having an argument on the phone with a relative. I wanted to check in with her that she was alright. She had been speaking so loudly, she was almost yelling and talking in short, staccato-like phrases as if she were highly annoyed. She was perplexed by my question. It turns out, as I learned from living in San Francisco for over a year that Cantonese sounds very angry to those who are unfamiliar with its common cadence and the cultural norms surrounding pitch and volume.

To include outrospection in our quest for true understanding of our fellow human creatures is a spiritual pursuit and, as we are ever-changing and as we continue to come into acquaintance with new, complex individuals, the adventure of practicing empathy will remain ever-relevant. Blessings on your journey. May it be filled with risk and reward!

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