Flying fish make me smile

Barbara Gay Stoddard

Interim Director of LifeSpan Religious Education

September 25, 2011

Show Up, Choose Your Attitude, Make Someone’s Day and Play are the four principles of living from the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. I’ll consider how these principles have informed my life and keep me smiling.

Barbara Stoddard has been a professional religious educator for 15 years. She has served as the interim religious educator beginning in 2003 for UU churches in New Jersey, Virginia, Massachusetts, Maryland, Seattle and Houston. In addition to her work as an interim she helped design and teach the training for Interim Religious Educators. She is so very happy to be with First UU for the next two years.

“Flying Fish Make me Smile”

Or living by the Principles of the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market… “Show Up, Choose Your Attitude, Make Someone’s Day and Play”

Barbara Stoddard September 25, 2011 First Unitarian Universalist Church Austin

Years ago, I met a woman in my UU church in Manchester, NH named Charlene. She was a motivational speaker and great advocate for positive thinking. Charlene was beautiful, intelligent always had perfect hair and a wonderful smile, 3 gorgeous children and a very handsome husband. I wanted to be Charlene, but I could never quite embrace all that positive attitude stuff. After all, I was still in my 20s, full of angst, a divorced single mother, whose ex had deserted my daughter his child- never to contact her again until she was 15 years old.

Year’s later, Charlene shared with me that her life was not as perfect as it appeared. There were many heartbreaks and illness and money issues they had suffered through. But, they survived by loving each other and helping others and sharing positive energy to all those around them. She gave me a gift by telling me that it was my own sense of joy and wonder and love about life and people that helped make me a survivor and also helped those around me feel better.

Charlene was showing up, choosing her attitude, making someone’s day, and playing long before it was a part of the success story of the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. And I bet, if I were to call her today, she’d tell me she had incorporated the philosophy in her own speeches.

Music has always very important to me. Perhaps one could say it’s been the core of my existence. I was a child of the 60s so of course there were the Beatles, but mostly I adored my folk singers like Judy Collins and Joan Baez and Joni Mitchell. I was going to be all of them when I grew up.

Music was always there for me in times of silliness, joy, hope, tragedy, sorrows, elation, passion, pain and the mundane. Music provided my first connection to UUism – when I was 18 years old attending Columbia College, a Methodist woman’s college, in Columbia, SC – I became part of a folk singing group called the Ladybugs. My beloved Ladybugs and I were asked to sing at a service at the Columbia UU Fellowship. They met at that time in a big green house, a small group of children went to one part of house for classes after a story while the adults listened to a speaker and then discussed the topic. I remember we sang “where have all the flowers gone” and other anti-war songs. It was the first time as a singer I got the chance to speak my values through music. I was exhilarated and wanted more of this UU thing.

A few years later, my now ex-husband and I were living in Manchester, NH – We were- house parents for 3 adults with cognitive disabilities and a year old baby in tow. We went to the Episcopal church in town. That morning the priest spoke about loving each other. Reaching out to strangers, etc. etc. etc. But when we walked out of church, he rebuffed this strange little family of mine in a way that devastated me. Wasn’t the church a place we could bring our joys and pains and be hugged and loved. Later as we mulled over our experience – I asked (being very new to New England) Do you suppose there are any UUs around here? Well – hallelujah there were. We next attended the Manchester UU church, walked in the door. Our minister, Elium Gault – greeted us with the biggest smile and heartiest handshake I’ve ever known. We were home.

The church continued from that first day forward to nurture us and care for us. They were my daughter Dayna’s and my extended family for over 20 years. They saw me with a guitar in hand and asked me to be a youth advisor, and sing at services. Over the years the church held fundraisers to purchase 2 different guitars for me. They held Dayna and me even closer as we went through divorce, poverty, and perils of life. They nurtured me by helping me discover that I had gifts beyond my knowing. I really discovered my singing voice, I found out I loved working with children. I further developed the comedienne that I can sometimes be, the organizer, the advocate, the storyteller, and on and on. They hired me to be their DRE for a couple of years. They got me to go to RE Week at Star Island (a UU conference center – off the coast of NH) for the fist time in 1985 – this has since and forever will be my “spirit’s home.” Any of you that have attended a UU summer experience know from whence I speak. These are life changing moments. The love is intensely felt.

I was always singing, performing and playing the guitar during the years I raised my child. My daughter would never really sing with me -I didn’t discover until she was older – how intense her own need and love of music had and continues to be. I didn’t even think she knew or cared for anything I sang – until I discovered that she was the one gen Xers that knew all the folk songs and even mimicked me doing some of my silliest ditties.

I’ve discovered for both of us that music actually gave us a voice in our worlds, but it also comforts us in great times of need. It has not been easy for either one of us. We’ve each made some really bad decisions and have had quite messy lapses in wisdom. But we have also found great love and hope that always surrounds us. We are both survivors of varying degrees of pain but through it all we pull out our songs and we remember the strength within that gives us the freedom to continually soar and soar again. Music has helped us choose better attitudes, make someone’s day and certainly helped us play.

But there have been times when the music has actually died for me in my life. Times when it gave no joy, no comfort, no solace, no laughter, no hope. I hid from music as it might open my heart. In my life, when music wouldn’t help I’d find solace in the next place which for me was food.

I’ve been overweight most of my life. There have been varying degrees of the weight I carried. I’ve even seen old pictures of myself that I didn’t recognize, I was so thin. But no matter the weight, I performed in front of people, usually confident at work, playing with my child, falling in love, volunteering for the women’s crisis service, and teaching in RE classes and so much more.

As I grew older, despite my weight I developed self confidence, sense of purpose, recognition of gifts I had, understanding of the world around me, and the impact I had on people in my life. I actually started liking myself and I understood that what was in my heart was so much more important than how good I looked. But I think I forgot that being healthy was actually more important than how I looked as well.

After my daughter was grown and left home, I decided to go to college again, this time to get certified to teach K-8th grade. I went home to live with my mother in Ft. Inn, SC. I went to Clemson and joined the Greenville UU Fellowship. And yes, that is when I first heard about our own Meg Barnhouse. I was home in a way even though as a child my family never lived in one place more than 5 years – it was home because mom was there. It was a good thing. We both got to know each other as the incredible women we are.

My first teaching job was one that I should never have been placed in. I was the wrong person for the children I taught. I was teaching at an alternative school for Jr. high students that were placed there as the last resort. A myriad of emotional and behavioral and criminal issues and hard family lives. I looked like the lady that only had experience popping bon bons all day and how the hell did I know what they were going through. I wasn’t good at the job. I was an out an out failure. I came home every night in deep despair, frightened and worried. I ate and ate. My blood pressure sky rocketed and I was on the verge of a heart attack. My doctor advised that I quit. I quit. I had failed. And it was then that I went into a new self imposed depression that included no music, no joy, no hope, I went into a cocoon of safety and never wanted to come out again, I felt as though the music in me had literally died.

But after my failure, I needed to find a way to fly again. I returned to a part of the country that for some reason feeds my soul. I returned to New England this time settling in on the coast of New Hampshire = right on Rte.1A, where I could look out at the ocean when I woke in the morning and also see my beloved Star Island every day. I needed to be back where my spirit would find a new path a new journey a new source of freedom, of joy, where my music might live again.

I think I returned to New England, because it was that part of the world that had really given me my UU community. I knew people all over the area, they knew me. They knew the gifts I had, they knew and understood my idiosyncrasies, they understood that I had flaws but they loved me and embraced me because they knew and believed I had great potential to continue to find my soaring ways again.

Yes, I survived my teaching disasters and with the help of love from a lot of friends I found grace. I’ve been in and out of cocoons (so to speak) so many times but each time I emerge from that cocoon stronger than ever.

Now, over the last 10 years, I’ve many wonderful successes both personally and professionally, but at the same time I subconsciously sunk into a new low and began an assault on my body that eventually got to a point that I could no longer deal with. No matter what I’d do, couldn’t lose weight. I was broken, I felt miserable – I tried hypnosis, nutrisystem, weight watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. etc. etc. I started losing my personality. Oh I’d manage to bring myself forward as best I could when at work and around children. But it was a struggle. I looked horrible, I couldn’t breathe correctly which affected my singing. I gave in to it all. I got canes to help me move around – I wont’ even bother to list all the medical issues due to being so heavy.

I felt so physically burdened, that I found no joy in my life and work and no energy for play. Being so very overweight – saps all the energy from you even the energy to love yourself and others around you. I was giving up. I wasn’t showing up for me. One week on a diet I’d say – well I’ve done that – lets move on. I felt I was a failure at life a failure at love a failure at, joy and I was no good for anyone.

When I arrive at Emerson UU in Houston, in 2009 I was at my heaviest, 280 lbs. I eventually had 4 doctors caring for me and all my health issues. They all said the same thing – lose weight. My hematologist lovingly said, your primary doctor and I were talking about you – have you ever considered Gastric bypass. I said yes but I was afraid. He directed me to the clinic where I finally had the surgery last November.

To say that I’ve changed is an understatement. I’ve lost over 110 lbs so far and still need to lose more to reach my goal. But, I’ve thrown out the cane, I climb the stairs, I walk, I exercise, I eat properly, I breath, I breath, I’m singing again. I’ve found joy and I’ve chosen positive attitude (most of the time), and the days that I make someone else smile are my happiest days.

In the book Switch, How to change things when change is hard. by Chip Heath and Dan Heath. They write: “The conventional wisdom in psychology, is that the brain has two independent systems at work at all times. First, there’s what we called the emotional side. It’s the part of you that is instinctive, that feels pain and pleasure. Second, there’s the rational side, also known as the reflective or conscious system. It’s the part of you that deliberates and analyzes and looks into the future.”

The authors’ feel the “tension between the two brain systems is captured best by an analogy used by University of Virginia psychologist Jonathan Haidt in his book The Happiness Hypothesis. Haidt says that our emotional side is an Elephant and our rational side is its Rider. Perched atop the Elephant, the Rider holds the reins and seems to be the leader. but the Rider’s control is precarious because the Rider is so small relative to the Elephant. Anytime the six-ton Elephant and the Rider disagree about which direction to go, the Rider is going to lose. He’s completely overmatched.” They continue to state that “most of us are all too familiar with situations in which our Elephant overpowers our Rider. You’ve experienced this if you’ve ever slept in, overeaten, dialed up your ex at midnight, procrastinated, tried to quit smoking and failed, skipped the gym, gotten angry and said something you regretted, abandoned your Spanish or piano lessons, refused to speak up in a meeting because you were scared, and so on. “

They explain that “the weakness of the Elephant, our emotional and instinctive side, is clear: It’s lazy and skittish, often looking for the quick payoff (ice cream cone) over the long-term payoff (being thin). When change efforts fail, it’s usually the Elephants fault, since the kinds of change we want typically involve short-term sacrifices for long-term payoffs. Changes often fail because the Rider simply can’t keep the Elephant on the road long enough to reach the destination.”

“The Elephant’s hunger for instant gratification is the opposite of the Rider’s strength, which is the ability to think long-term, to plan, to think beyond the moment (all those things that your pet can’t do.)”

“But the Elephant also has enormous strengths and that the Rider has crippling weaknesses. The Elephant isn’t always the bad guy. Emotion is the Elephant’s turf – love and compassion and sympathy and loyalty.. That fierce instinct you have to protect your kids against harm – that’s the Elephant. That spine-stiffening you feel when you need to stand up for yourself – that’s the Elephant.”

“And even more important if you’re contemplating a change, the Elephant is the one who get s things done. To make progress toward a goal, whether it’s noble or crass, requires the energy and drive of the Elephant And this strength is the mirror image of the Rider’s great weakness: spinning his wheels. The Rider tends to over analyze and over think these things.”

As the authors point out, “if you want to change things, you’ve got to appeal to both. The Rider provides the planning and direction, and the Elephant provides the energy.. So if you reach the Riders of your team but not the Elephants, team members will have understanding without motivation. If you reach their Elephants but not their Riders, they’ll have passion without direction. In both cases, the flaws can be paralyzing. A reluctant Elephant and a wheel -spinning Rider can both ensure that nothing changes. But when Elephants and Riders move together, change can come easily.”

I think perhaps this is why I’ve found a love for the interim work that I do. I get to use both my rider and elephant while helping beloved communities such as First UU Austin find the balance. I feel a wee bit more competent and confident in my own ability to do this with each new interim and I learn more about how churches function and how I function as a leader. It’s a fantastic, exhilarating place to be. But…..

In my personal life – forget it. Elephant 90% of the time. Fortunately, in mine and for most of us I suspect, the elephant does get tired and wants a little help. That’s the time when perhaps, we stop and say I need to listen to the rational side of me I need to rest and analyze why I do what I do, or where I’m going, or what I want. , I’m too tired to feel the passion for the things I love. I need to stop. That’s why I was able to make the decision that I couldn’t lose weight by my own will. I needed outside forces to help me find success and to re-learn what it is and who it is that exists in this body.

As I’ve begun this personal/physical transformation, I know that I have more weight to lose, that I still and always need to exercise and eat healthy and care for myself in ways that I let fall by the wayside in the past. I’ve had to rediscover all the things I love and love to do and that I love people. I love people. I was getting to a point where I couldn’t bear to be with people because I couldn’t bear to be with myself. Ah, the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would do unto yourself.” I wasn’t being very nice to me – how could I find the energy to be nice to others. When I’m in right relationship with myself, (in the words of Iris Dement) I can give joy to my mother, and I can make my lover smile., and I can give comfort to my friends when they’re hurting and I can make it feel better for a while.

Does this mean all my trials are over. Of course, not – I still have many worries and people to take care of and love and aches and pains and bad hair days ahead. But now, the excitement that wells up inside me – the joy that I am feeling right now about attending the connections fair later, and the excitement of moving into my new apartment on Oct. 13 is delightful. The happiness of seeing my 91 year old mother twice this summer and the fun I had literally running around with my 2 grandsons is indescribable. Oh I’m still mostly that Elephant – but my Rider is firmly attached and helping me push on the walls of my cocoons and guiding me as I fly through this wonderful thing called life.

While I have many friends that are not UU, I am so blessed to have found so many loving UU communities that over and over again, hold me, call me to look beyond myself, but also call on me to love myself , communities that support and restore my soul. That love is miraculous.

So I say to you, Remember the Pike Place Fishmongers and start throwing fish around. Show Up, Choose your attitude, Make Someone’s Day, and Play. Fly with the freedom to explore, fly with the freedom to fill your soul with all that you are, fly with the joy of giving and receiving, fly with the wonder of discovering who you are and the gifts you have – each day is a blessing when the spirit of beloved community is there to embrace you. And when you need to rest, or seek comfort or find peace of mind, know that we are with you in those moments as well as the moments of joy and play. We are here for you always. Blessed Be.