How to disagree passionately and peacefully

Rev. Meg Barnhouse

December 18, 2011

Conflict is part of a healthy system. We can’t agree about everything all the time. How do we voice disagreement without being disrespectful or unkind?

What is it about disagreeing that is so—-disagreeable? It all goes back to the families we grew up in.

In many families, disagreement is seen as an attack. Punishment comes down, if not directly, then indirectly, later. They WILL get you. Disagreeing is against the set of unspoken family rules everyone learns and abides by– until their teen years. This unwritten list of family truths and rules can be called the “family treaty.” To violate that “treaty” is to imperil the family’s sense of security and unity. Any violation of the treaty makes a family member fill up with formless dread and guilt. The treaty in most families says that there is only one way to do things—the right way. Other ways are wrong, and if you do things other ways you must be stupid— or dangerous. Most people comes into a marriage or a job or a church with an unquestioned certainty that the way their family did things is the standard way, and all other ways are somehow deviant.

Each family’s “treaty” is a powerful force in members’ behavior far into their adult lives. What things can you say? What things are unsayable? What can you notice? What are you not allowed to notice? Can you say “Mom’s passed out again” or do you have to say “Mom’s not feeling well this afternoon.” Can you say “Dad’s having an affair” or are you not allowed to notice? What emotions are you allowed to have? Some families only allow anger, and affection is seen as “not done.” Some familes are the opposite. Positive emotions are okay, but no one in the family is allowed to be angry. In some of those families, the anger turns inward and becomes toxic, turning into depression. Or you have to say “I’m not angry, I’m hurt,” I’m not angry, I’m just a little frustrated.”. You can tell when you have crossed the line and violated the treaty by the shocked silence that immediately falls. It is as if the brains of everyone around you have gone blank. People don’t always gasp, but they may as well….

Families have standard ways they handle money, discipline, anger, affection, conflict, power, loss, embarrassment. If you work on any church committees you have run across all different styles of working. We carry so much with us is from our raising.

Disagreeing is something almost always covered by the family treaty. Some people do it directly. “I don’t agree.” Some do it by sidestepping “Whatever…” Some do it sweetly. They smile and nod and then roll their eyes at the person next to them, or they talk to others about their opinion but not to you. Some families shame you when you disagree. “Well, that’s just foolish,” someone will say, to make you shut up and sit down. Or, “You don’t think THAT?” Like a person of your obvious caliber could never truly be proposing an idea so stupid and ill-conceived. They shame you into agreeing, or bludgeon you into it. In my family they would just talk at you and quote Bible verses until you were so stunned by the barrage of words that you would nod and agree to whatever it was just to get some rest.

Styles of disagreeing are something we learn from our growing-up time. Some of us are logical or distant or impassioned or we raise our voices or we call names like “illogical,” or “uninformed” or New-Agey” or “cold” or “rigid.” Some of us state our case mildly and expect others to read the passion betwen the lines. Others have fun with building dramatic noisy arguments that act like steamrollers, mowing down all opposition. Given that we are bound to meet all these people in our lives, how can we disagree passionately and calmly?

Keep breathing. Some of us forget to breathe when we are stressed, and we don’t think well without oxygen.

Acknowledge what kind of situation you’re in. You can say “Whew, this sure is a hot topic.” or “We sure are talking about some hard things.” This lets the other know that you aren’t dismissing the importance of your conversation, and that you know this is a big deal for them and a big deal for you.

Stay on the topic at hand. What question is on the table NOW. “If only’s” are non-productive. Saying “We wouldn’t even BE in this situation if you hadn’t..” is not productive. Bringing up other problems makes a conversation that might make things better less likely to happen.

A disagreement is not an attack. This is something that’s hard to remember. I know people who even get uncomfortable if they don’t like the same food or music as a friend. Many of us grew up in families where closeness meant sameness. As we become more differentiated ( a goal of growth and wisdom and therapy) we become more comfortable with differences.

If you find yourself thinking “You CAN’T see this any other way,” be quiet for a while until you can see how someone COULD see it another way.

Start from the position that there may be more than one way to do things. Be as specific and concrete in your comments as possible. Generalities don’t get you anywhere. Words like “Support,” “justice,” “love,” are very general. I’ve told some of you about the couple where the woman said she wanted a kiss when she and the man saw each other after work. “I DO kiss you!” he said.

“Not a peck on the cheek, I want a kiss on the lips”

“How long a kiss?” I asked.

“About—um—-five seconds long.”

“Can you do that for her?”

“Sure, I can do that. No problem!” Specifics get you places.

If you have a criticism, please try to have a good comment AND a constructive suggestion at the same time. This soup is wonderfully thick—it would suit me better if there were a little less salt.

Ask “What would happen if….?” This is a good queston for many situations. Teaching a child to tie her shoe: What would happen if you looped it this way and pulled? For teenagers: “What would happen if you came in the door and asked for the car as if you loved and respected me?” For spouses: “What would happen if we wrote down what we spend and told each other every time we charged something?”

Try to say your piece and then leave it alone. Some of us have the misplaced faith that saying something one more time will be the key….

Speak for yourself. Don’t say “Everybody in town laughs at you for being like this.”

Appreciate and applaud drama.

Ask questions.

Questions:

Tell me how you came to this position?

Help me understand more about it.

What appeals to you about this?

How does it feel to you?

What are the strengths of this position to you?

What does this touch in you?

What, if anything, do you feel uncomfortable with about this?

Here is what feels uncomfortable or disagreeable to me about what you think or what you believe. Can you help me with that?

When you find a certain person difficult, odds are that many people do. They have an abrasive style that puts off most people.

They rob your time and energy.

Their behavior is out of proportion to the problem.

Try to be direct with these people and not make excuses for their behavior or play games with it.

Remember our principles: each person has worth and dignity. We trust the democratic process. We support each other in their responsible search for truth and meaning, no matter how wrong they’re being.

You may want to try saying: “The Divinity in me salutes the Divinity in you.” or–“You may be one last spark we all need to light the whole world.”