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Rev. Meg Barnhouse
November 24, 2019
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org
In time for Thanksgiving, we will talk about family dynamics, focusing on “cut-off”, when someone decides they can’t be around the rest of the family.
Chalice Lighting
We light the fire of Truth and ask to be clear, wise, and humble enough to admit when we don’t know. We kindle the warmth of community and ask for open heartedness and patience. We are grateful to the Spirit of Life and ask to learn the secret to loving and being loved.
Call to Worship
May we be reminded here of our highest asperations and inspired to bring our gifts of love and service to the altar of humanity. May we know once again we are not isolated beings but connected in mystery and miracle to the universe, to this community, and to each other.
Affirming Our Mission
Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.
Meditation Reading
THE LEGACY OF CARING
ThandekaDespair is my private pain
Born from what I have failed to say
failed to do, failed to overcome.Be still my inner self
let me rise to you, let me reach
down into your pain
and soothe you.I turn to you to renew my life
I turn to the world, the streets of the city,
the worn tapestries of brokerage firms,
drug dealers, private estates
personal things in the bag lady’s cart
rage and pain in the faces that turn from me
afraid of their own inner worlds.This common world I love anew;
as the life blood of generations
who refused to surrender their humanity
in an inhumane world,
courses through my veins.From within this world
my despair is transformed to hope
and I begin anew the legacy of caring.
Sermon Notes
WHAT HAPPENS IN FAMILIES
Some of us are going to gather with family at some point during the holidays. It’s likely that there will be someone missing, maybe because now they live too far away, or they have to work, or they are with another part of the family. At some tables, though, there will be one, maybe even more, who are absent because they aren’t choosing to be part of the family right now. Family therapists call this “Family cut-off”.
I want to talk all about gratitude today, and I’ll get to it, but I do also want to talk about the reality of families.
Families.”are lovely, and they can be hard. Fault lines exist within all families. For thoseá of us in this sanctuary, religion is often a big one. Our families may hold different views, more conservative beliefs. Some of their understandings of faith say that their God demands that they attempt to convince us of those beliefs. If our beliefs aren’t correct, they have to try to save us. Hopefully they won’t do it at the holiday meal. Our faith invites us to stand up for what we believe, but we don’t have to stay in the debating society.
For those of us in this sanctuary in Texas, sometimes what shows up as a fault line is politics. It’s going to be hard to focus on the turkey instead of saying “Do you see it now?” You might be able to find common ground by saying “Boy, I sure do miss the GOP of fifteen years ago.” Common ground is usually easy. What TV shows you’re enjoying, what the kids are up to. Babies, travel. Common ground doesn’t mean that you meet in the middle, that you have to compromise your values. Common ground just means things everyone cares about.
Money is another fault line. Someone borrowed money and didn’t pay it back. Someone pays for things all the time and is starting to resent it. Some family members went into business together and it didn’t work out.
Styles of child rearing are another fault line. Some members of the family may not approve of others’ methods of discipline, or lack of discipline.
Maybe a new spouse is jealous of the children, or the ex. Maybe a spouse hates one of their in-laws, and something blows.
Pressure on any of these fault lines can cause arguments. Arguments can be survived, can pass. Arguing, in fact, is the style of communication in some families. A cut off can happen because of an argument, for sure. Or it can happen because people get exhausted with a difficult person. You put up with their behavior for so long, and then you decide “no more.” You might phase them out, little by little, or cut them off suddenly.
Some people cut themselves off from their family because the family knows their past, knows them before they started their new life, and they just don’t want to see that past in their family’s eyes. Maybe they are transitioning, and their family keeps using their old name, dead naming them in an effort to get them to be their old self. Maybe they just want a total new start for some other reason, and they don’t want reminders of their former life.
Clashes in loyalties can cause a cut off. As I said, if someone hates your new spouse, your new spouse isn’t going to want to go to the family. Then you have to choose. Cut offs can happen when someone feels they’ve been slighted. Insulted or belittled. Sometimes alcohol is involved. When someone feels slighted, an apology is in order. I’ll talk about that in a bit.
Abuse tears families apart. There is so much pain, violence, chaos. Who knew about it? Who reported it? Were they believed? Was the abuser believed instead? Who got to stay in the family?
Lastly, it happens so often that caring for a sick or elderly parent or for a sick child can Cause someone to get thrown out, or to leave the family. Especially if there is money involved. Death is a crazy time, and people can fight instead of feeling their grief. Lots of families pull together and handle these times well. More often, they try to handle them well, and they do, mostly. They have to get over the cracks that occur as the stresses multiply.
Life in families can be hard. Being cut off by family members is one of the greatest sources of pain. Especially when you’re not sure why you’re cut off. People feel shame, confusion, depression, stress, and a sinking feeling of disempowerment. What do you do?
One of the greatest sources of pain is being cut off by family members. Regardless of the reasons, people who are cut off feel shame, confusion, stress, and sometimes even depression and a feeling of being disempowered. This is particularly the case if no explanation is provided for the cutoff. Relatives may cut each other off for months, years, and sometimes even a lifetime with little to no explanation.
How do you stop the pain of being the one who is cut off? Usually, you have one big chance to make a good apology. What is that? Let’s talk about that.
A good apology is all about the other person’s feelings and they experience. It doesn’t matter what you actually said, or what you meant. What matters is what they heard. You have to be slow and wide as an ocean. Patient. Even if they are unreasonable, if you want to reconnect with them, you stand in their shoes, in their feelings.
You say something like “I’m so sorry that what I said felt awful to you. Can you help me understand how it was for you?” You don’t self-justify, you don’t let your emotions of being sorry overwhelm whatever emotions they are having. The focus is on your actions, not on the other person’s response.
For example, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night,” is not an apology. Try instead, “I’m sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.” Own your behavior and apologize for it, period.
A good apology does not have the word “but” after “I’m sorry.”
Even if you are only 23 percent at fault, you can make a good apology for your part in the break.
After a good apology, you try to take corrective action, and try not to have that happen again.
A true apology should not serve to silence another person (“I said I’m sorry at least 10 times, so why are you still bringing up the affair?”).
Nor should an apology be used as a quick way out to get yourself out of a difficult conversation or dispute.
A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse.
Not all apologies are welcome. Making amends may be part of your healing process, but find another way to heal if the other person doesn’t want to hear from you.
Your being right or righteous doesn’t matter. Their being unreasonable doesn’t matter. Be right or be happy.
Now, gratitude. Be grateful for the family you do have, bio family or chosen family.
There is great pain in families, and there can also be joy and strength. We are grateful when someone attempts to make a real apology, or when someone is willing to listen to ours. We can be grateful that our faith does not put the soul burden on us to convince others of our beliefs. I am grateful for this community, and I will be here Thursday afternoon to have a holiday meal with any of you who would like to come.
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