Father-Functions

June 18, 2006

First UU Church of Austin

4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756

www.austinuu.org

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button.

PRAYER

We give thanks for fathers. For those men who have had the character and courage to grow through the tough transition from manhood to fatherhood, we give thanks.

For our own fathers, whether or not we think they were the best fathers or not, we give thanks. We would not be here without them. And at their time, in their shoes, they almost certainly did the best they could.

We give thanks for fathers who have never met their offspring but have not forgotten them. And for those men who wanted to be fathers but could not.

We open our hearts to fathers who have lost children – to chance events, disease, accidents, to war. We open our hearts.

For all the many ways in which men grow from manhood to fatherhood, we give thanks for fathers on this Fathers’ Day.

Amen.

SERMON: Father-Functions

When I was preparing to do the Mother’s Day sermon last month, I posted an invitation on the parents’ list for mothers to join me for lunch. All together I met with or talked to about fifteen women who were eager to share their thoughts, frustrations and suggestions on motherhood. Men are different. I posted the same invitation, but only three men responded, so we had lunch together, then I checked the Internet for articles and tips on fatherhood. If you Google the word “fatherhood,” you can turn up over six million sites.

The talks with the men were very different from those with the women. The women were often concerned with losing their Self, as motherhood defined them in a job without pay, without promotions, and without much recognition from society, or from other mothers.

The men talked about duties, tasks, functions. They still worked, and still had their professional Self, so were focusing on adding to it whatever new duties were involved in fatherhood. We even discussed, and agreed, that it’s about learning new functions.

This sounds radically different from what mothers want, but it isn’t. It’s just the way men approach the subject. All, I found – and almost all the books, written advice and tips I found – are after the same thing. They all stress how hard it is, how it has to be learned, nobody will master parenting, everyone must allow themselves to fail, to feel their way through, and to forgive themselves for not being perfect. All stress the need for more and better communication between the parents, so they can grow through this transition together.

But men seem to think more in terms of tips, how-to guides, and functions. That doesn’t mean they’re unfeeling. When I asked what the best thing about fatherhood was, every father talked about the amazing relationship with his child, and every father teared up while speaking about it, as I still do when talking about my step-daughters.

The transition from manhood to fatherhood is one of the hardest men will ever face, and not all couples can make it through the tough times ahead. One study says that one of the most likely times for a marriage to fall apart is following the birth of the first baby, when almost 70 percent of couples reported a decrease in marital happiness. (Naomi Wolf, Misconceptions, p. 227) That’s also one of the several reasons that 39% of children in the US now live apart from their father. It’s hard.

And men don’t often get much credit for being good fathers, just as mothers don’t get much support from others. But for men there’s sometimes the added edge – or insult – that somehow being fathers is an optional activity. One mother told me a story about her husband, who is a devoted father, and looks forward to the days when he can take their daughter to the store to shop. What irritates him – and I suspect hurts him – is when women come up to him at the store, as they often do, saying “Looks like you got stuck baby-sitting!” When it’s your own child, it isn’t baby-sitting: it’s fathering.

But since men approach this differently, I want to frame it differently this morning. I want to talk in terms of tasks, tests, functions, and tips for fathers. And I want to say that this transformation from manhood to fatherhood is a kind of modern hero’s quest, and it fits the structure of mythic hero’s quests in almost every detail.

You’re in a wilderness, a strange new land, and you need help. You need more than the tools of a bachelor or a newlywed. And there is a fear that you can’t do this, won’t know how to slay the dragons that men must slay in their hero quests.

In mythic hero quests, heroes get help from gods, guides, mentors, and the wise people who are always a part of the stories. In the Star Wars movies, this was the role played by Yoda and Obi Wan Kenobe. In the Lord of the Rings, it was Gandalf and the elves. You need to know you’re not alone, and that you can do this. In the real world of learning to become fathers, the costumes aren’t as colorful, but there are still some special helpers and wise people. It may be your own parents, or special mentors you’ve known.

But in the Internet age, you can also pull up about six million websites just by Googling the word “fatherhood.” Almost all of the sites on fathering I checked are written by men, for men. Therapists, counselors, speakers bureaus, even a Christian man who homeschools his own seven children and speaks to your group for $1500 plus expenses, providing Bible citations as he goes.

There are sites with tips, how-to advice, one with Ten Tips for Fathers that even sells T-shirts with the tips on them. There’s a site of Tool Box Tips, and the Army has websites with tips for fathers, taken from some of the tool-box sites, telling them to take care of themselves, work with their wife to redefine their relationship as parents, to forgive themselves for not being natural or perfect at this, assuring them that they can learn everything they need to know, it’s within their reach..

Not all those who give advice are wise, just as great myths are dotted with tricksters and demons. But many of them are. And I was struck by the fact that men talk about this hero’s quest in very different ways than women authors write for mothers.

Men are being helped to “build” a new persona, one with increased communication, creating a new relationship with their partners, in a functional, step-by-step way. They want tips on what to do: tools.

And one advisor, a pediatrician who calls himself Dr. Bill, adds this very male bit of advice: “Watching a man nurture a baby really turns on a woman.” This sounds just like men talking, doesn’t it? But when I talked with the mothers, they said one of the sexiest things their husband could do was help with the baby or do the dishes. Same message, different style.

The notion of a hero’s quest came from Joseph Campbell’s 1949 book, The Hero With a Thousand Faces. A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure as a larger, more deeply authentic man. (Hero, p. 30)

This comes through the hero’s trials and tests, including the important trial of slaying dragons. What are dragons? They’re symbols of his fears, his past, his present world that must be transcended in order to grow into his deeper, more heroic stature: to grow from manhood into fatherhood.

The dragons to slay are tough dragons, as we’ll see. And scary.

But he doesn’t have to do it alone. As in classic myths, there are these helpers and guides, if he’ll look for them. There are the modern Yodas, Obi Wan Kenobes, elves and Gandalfs all around. By the way, there are over nine million sites if you Google “Gandalf,” and almost fifteen million for Yoda, the wise master of the Force and teacher of Jedi knights. I’m betting the overwhelming majority of the people who visit those sites are men.

Nearly all of the modern Gandalfs, Yodas and elves I read wrote in man-talk. Tips, how-to advice, what to do next, with constant reminders that they don’t have to be perfect, or even in charge. I don’t know that a man could make it through this transition without the help of some modern Merlins.

But the effect, the change, isn’t just functional. It is building a bigger character and a bigger man; it really is a hero’s quest, and it is transformative.

So I want to take you on this adventure, a hero’s quest, through the first twelve months of fatherhood. (Much of the following is taken or adapted from www.fathersforum.com, by Dr. Bruce Linton). There are functions to learn, and also a few dragons to slay along the way.

One of our Gandalf therapists begins by telling us that when the woman becomes pregnant with their first child, “There is good news and bad news. The bad news is the relationship can never go back to the way it used to be. The good news is with time and patience your relationships as a couple can become more intimate and satisfying.”

Men don’t like to ask for directions in fathering much more than they do in driving, because we”ve all been raised to believe that we’re supposed to be in charge, and that weakness is unmanly and unsexy. We’re afraid we won’t be able to do this. But there is research that shows that whichever parent spends the most time with the baby will become more sensitive to the baby’s needs. So it’s something we can learn. And men will need to learn some of it from their wife, which means scheduling times to talk this strange new world over with their wife, so they can go through this together. That’s like talking about feelings and intimate things. Ask any man: that’s a dragon to slay, and a tough one! It’s almost never the dinner conversation we would choose.

An Obi Wan Kenobe says, “We need to know we can’t be expected to know how to do everything. Allow yourself to work as a team with your partner on this adventure as parents. Teamwork is the key to getting through this first year.” I think all the women authors on mothering would agree.

Then right off the bat in the first month, dear little Yoda says “Do not, by what you don’t know, embarrassed be.” And Obi Wan Kenobe translates it as “Give yourselves permission not to know everything.” This advice often takes the place of swordsmanship lessons in medieval hero myths. These are the tools and functions we need to hone for these tasks.

Others say during the first month, learn how to comfortably hold your baby. See that you have a comfortable rocking chair for your wife to nurse the baby in – there’s a real “guy” thing to do! Also, says Gandalf, you can help your wife by cooking suppers. And don’t be embarrassed by what you don’t know.

In the second month, continue to hold your baby as much as possible. Find time when you can be with your baby without distractions. And with your wife, the two of you together give your baby a bath. Talk about what your baby seems to need to make him comfortable getting washed. Tell your wife what you appreciate about her “mothering.” Find time when you can take the baby and she can take time just for herself.

And try to find other new dads to talk with about the transition to parenthood.

During the third month, Yoda says, “Exhausted are you. Normal it is.” New dads need to recognize how emotionally weary they have become making all the adjustments to their new life style.

“I remember,” a therapist-father confesses, “feeling when we went out as a family; it was my wife, our baby and their pack animal, me…carrying all the stuff we now needed to take with us.”

What can you do during the third month? Take a walk together as a family. See if you can have the baby in a “front pack” that is on you. And talk with your wife about each of you getting twenty minutes to yourselves in the evening. Find time to walk with the baby by yourself. Use this time to appreciate how by caring for your baby you are making a very important contribution to her life. And see if you can leave work ten or fifteen minutes early and have a cup of coffee or tea by yourself. Take care of yourself.

During the fourth month, says Obi Wan Kenobe, you start to notice that there is a change in your sexual relationship with your wife. It is very normal for this to happen. So, if your wife feels sexually withdrawn but too concerned about your baby…things are going well!

Maybe it’s easier to hear Yoda talk about this: “Intimacy must more than sex be,” he says. “For many new dads the early months of fatherhood provide a challenge to expand their feelings about intimacy. Many new dads find it difficult to talk about sexuality with their wives. “I encourage you,” says Obi Wan Kenobe, “to talk about the sexuality in your relationship with your wife. As you go through life as a parent and adult there may be many conversations you have with your wife about the changing sexuality in your relationship.”

Now in case you hadn’t noticed, this is a huge Dragon! Redefining intimacy to expand it beyond the fireworks of courtship and early marriage is one of the hardest and most mature things for men to learn. It is hard for men to talk about. It will take a platoon of Yodas, Obi Wan Kenobe”s, Gandalfs and elves, because it’s not easy. It is probably the biggest dragon out there.

And then take time to get a message and sauna, say the elves. Take a walk with a friend and let him know what you have discovered about being a father.

Another fact to know is that during the first year of parenthood it is usual for a new father to reflect on how he was raised by his own father. Sometimes this is enjoyable; sometimes, it brings up other old dragons to wrestle with.

In the fifth month, Gandalf says, “Find 5 minutes a day to talk about how the day went for your wife and you. And you might plan a video “film festival.” You might enjoy comedies about family life, right about this time.”

In the sixth month, talk with your wife about the different “styles” of parenting you experienced as children. Conclude your discussion with a commitment to work out the way you will work as a team, together, in the family you have started. Or as Yoda puts it, “Better than one are two.”

Ask your wife to talk with you about what she loves and hates about being a mother for the first six months. Share the positive and negatives you have learned about fatherhood. More talking. This often seems unnatural, growing into a new and different role.

Then the elves say to make sure you are eating well and exercising. It is important to take care of your health and exercising will reduce stress. Stay active in your baby’s care; give him a bath, put him to sleep, Notice how you feel after you have done these.

The seventh month begins with this advice from Yoda: “To yourself kind be. Forget this not!”

The therapist says to find a Sunday morning to go out to breakfast and have a leisurely time together. Then come here to church. OK, I added that last part.

Find a baby sitter so you can be alone for at least two hours a week. Make sure that both you and your wife are getting time alone. You each need time to recharge.

At eight months, Obi Wan Kenobe says, you recognize how time consuming it is to have a baby. If you’re really quick, you may have noticed this earlier. Talk with your partner about what you feel are the biggest adjustments you each have to make as parents. See what you’re doing here? You’re learning to make this new role, the fatherhood role, learn to talk and relate to your partner in her new role as mother.

And take care of yourself. Are there one or two friends that you haven’t talked with in a while? Call them up and let them know how having a young baby makes “free” time or “hanging-out” very difficult. Reassure them that you are still their friend and ask them to understand that being a father is a big adjustment.

In the ninth month, the elves say to take a look at your body in the mirror. Are you taking care of yourself?

This is a dragon to slay, too: not to lose yourself in your role as father.

A tenth month tip is to take turns “sleeping-in” to try and keep up on your rest.

During the eleventh month, you are preparing for the conclusion of the hero’s quest, when you have redefined yourself as a father, and you and your wife have redefined your relationship as both parents and lovers. You may need to make time to see if you and your wife can quit being parents for a few hours each week and be a couple again, and get the habit started.

Moving back into a “couples relationship,” is the task of the eleventh month of fatherhood. You have defined yourselves around your child’s needs and now it is important to begin to look at your relationships not just as parents but as partners too. See if you can take the lead and ask your partner how she wants the two of you to grow as a couple as you approach your first year of parenting.

See if you and your wife can find a weekly activity to do together. Something that you can continue over time and that you both look forward to.

Begin to think about you baby’s first birthday and what friends you want to be there for you!

As the twelfth month begins, plan the first birthday party, and see that your baby’s first birthday is as much a celebration for you and your wife as for him. Gandalf says the first year of fatherhood is the most profound change you have gone through as a man. There have been many changes, you, your wife, and baby have gone through over the last year.

At the end of the hero’s quest, I want to go back to Joseph Campbell. “Wherever a hero has been born,” he writes, “the place is marked and sanctified. A temple is erected there”.” For this is the place where a man became a hero by slaying the dragons of his smaller self and helped give birth to a larger soul: a soul big enough to hold the new functions, and the new love. (Hero With a Thousand Faces, p.43)

What does becoming a hero mean? It’s the task, as Campbell put it, “of making it possible for men and women to come to full human maturity through the conditions of contemporary life.” (Hero, p. 388)

The birth of a baby floods a mother and father with many new tasks, sometimes overwhelming them. The role of fatherhood seldom comes easily for a man. He must learn these new functions, build a bigger Self, learn to build a bigger kind of relationship with his partner.

But it isn’t about mechanics. It’s about building a bigger home for the spirit of life. It’s about building a soul big enough to hold the new love that grows with the birth of a child – the love that moves men to tears, even trying to talk about it.

A bachelor, a regular young married guy, couldn’t do it. Only a man who’s slain the required dragons can do this. He has become the kind of a man who can help save a new life, save a marriage, and transform our world, one father at a time.

Joseph Campbell says temples, markers are erected to mark the spot where a hero was born. And they’re present here, too. A baby just learning to walk, the mard miracle of a husband and wife who are beginning to reclaim their own relationship as lovers and partners – these are some of the markers. And people around you can feel this transformation. Like ripples in a pond, it carries the message, “Here something whole and courageous took place. Here, a father was born.”

You’re more than just men, guys; you’re heroes. Happy Father’s Day.