© Rev. Kathleen Ellis
January 28, 2001
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org
The Rev. Kathleen Ellis has been the minister of the Unitarian Universalist congregation in College Station for seven years. She is also a Campus Minister at Texas A&M University and a volunteer Chaplain with the College Station Police Department.
Mary Pipher, in writing Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, continues to promote relationships among children, adults, and elders, and the communities in which we live. We are often separated not just geographically, but by the times in which we formed our basic values. How can we best understand “the landscape of age”?
This morning I shall begin my sermon with death (and lesser losses) and end with birth (and other signs of life). Recently I was asked by a family to work with a Roman Catholic priest in planning a funeral. The man’s daughter was Catholic; his son was Unitarian Universalist. The service was held at a Catholic Church. The priest John McCaffrey and I did not exactly work together, but in parallel, and we agreed on the order of things. Our respective parts came together in some ways but they clearly came from a different perspective and with a different objective. Although the family members are not of one faith, they had an equal need for an appropriate expression of their religious beliefs. The man who had died had no faith community.
Where the Rev. McCaffrey and I clearly harmonized in our remarks was in the matter of community. Friends, colleagues, neighbors, and acquaintances brought a collective message to the family that their loved one had made an impact on this assorted community through his wife and children, his work, and his love of gardening. People were reminded to tell one another about the good they do while they are living. They were all encouraged to stay in touch with the family long after the casseroles had been consumed, the dishes returned, the flowers wilted, and work resumed.
It is not my intention here to dwell on the death of an individual but to focus on the community of the living. Annie Dillard wrote a wonderful novel by that name: THE LIVING. It tells stories of generations of pioneers who claimed and settled the Pacific Northwest. Death came suddenly, brutally, and almost randomly to many of the characters. But it was the living’of course! the living who carried the story forward to the next generation. Those who died became a backdrop to the harsh reality of daily life. The living had to continue with the essential work of survival.
In another tale of survival, writer Velma Wallis recorded the story her mother had passed on to her. It’s called Two Old Women: An Alaskan Legend Of Betrayal, Courage And Survival. The story is based on an Athabascan Indian legend passed down from mothers to daughters for many generations in Alaska’s upper Yukon River area. The two old women, both complainers, are reluctantly abandoned by their starving tribe during a brutal winter famine. Left to their own devices, the women must either survive the winter alone or die trying. The importance of friendship and community forms an underlying theme in their story. It also tells of survival, forgiveness, and reconciliation among tribal members before the old women die.
A third book I have read recently is Another Country: Navigating The Emotional Terrain Of Our Elders. The author is Mary Pipher, who also wrote Reviving Ophelia And The Shelter Of Each Other. Mary Pipher is a psychologist and a Unitarian Universalist. Her latest book explores the complex relationships among families today when our elders begin to need more help. She distinguishes the ‘young-old’ from the ‘old-old.’
I think we all want to by “young-old,” because they are the people who travel around the country in their recreational vehicles, keep up with hobbies, and maintain their physical activities. They volunteer in a full range of jobs; they greet us at Wal-Mart with a smile. Young-old people are happy to be whatever age they are’65 or 80 or 104 like Esther Albrecht. (And if you haven’t met her, you’re missing a treat. Her daughter Greta Fryxell and son-in-law Paul are members of this church – a great family to know.)
Old-old people begin to lose their health, trade their homes for rest homes, become more isolated, and suffer from dementia. They have attended entirely too many funerals of their friends, so that few people know how they were ‘way back when.’ One woman Pipher interviewed compared life to a game dodge ball. ‘In random fashion, people are hit out of the game, one by one, and then your time comes.’
The old-old may be ourselves. The older we get the more we notice that aches and pains and illness do not heal so quickly as before and may even become a permanent part of our lives. They may be our parents or grandparents or great grands. They may be our siblings or children who need extra care. At the same time, adult children often have children and grandchildren of their own or school to attend or a career path to worry about. All of us are fully aware that families are supposed to take care of one another. But how?
According to Pipher, the Lakota believe that if the old do not stay connected to the young, the culture will disintegrate. We are seeing signs of this disintegration in our culture. Children watch television instead of hearing stories. They are frightened and unruly, numb from hurry and overstimulation. Teenagers run in unsupervised gangs. Parents feel isolated and overwhelmed, and elders go days without speaking to anyone. No generation’s needs are truly met. Segregated societies are intellectually stagnant and emotionally poisoned. Only when all ages are welcome into the great hoop of life can a culture be a healthy one.
When we live far away it takes a special effort to stay in touch. For example, Sherry Coombes spends several days each month with her father so that the caregiver gets some time off. My husband visited his dad every month in Illinois until his death a few weeks ago. He lived in a nursing home in a small town where everyone knew him and would take him to church, bring him cookies, and just check in on him. People here help out with folks like Red Adams and Jean Wyllys and a long list of other good folks. That is such a great ministry: every church needs Helping Hands and caring hearts. Margaret Mead said that our deepest human need is to have someone who cares if we come home at night.
Some people move to be closer to family members. To have at least one relative nearby can be quite comforting. Others have close relatives within the rough circle of Houston, Dallas or San Antonio’not so far by Texas standards. But possibly the majority of us live quite far from other family members.
It’s not just geography that keeps us apart. It’s also the same old stuff that makes family members fight among themselves for years. The generation gap may widen because of the different languages we speak: Words and phrases like ‘depression’ (is it the Great Depression or a psychological term?); ‘just war’ (which war?); ‘gay nineties’ (different century, different context); and ‘courtship’ (is it simply an old-fashioned notion?).
When distance of any kind keeps us apart, it helps to get past the language to the underlying feelings and values. Then figure out what you’re able and willing to do, both physically and emotionally. That might be to write once a month or call once a week. If it’s hard to be with your parents for emotional reasons, limit the length of visits and be sure to have an ally somewhere in town or accessible by phone. It makes a huge difference.
When my two sisters and I were each traveling to visit our parents every three months, one of the most important contributions I made was to find a telephone jack way under the bed in the guest room and ran out to buy a cheap phone. Soon we could have our private conversations with spouses and friends and let off some frustration. We also kept a large poster for coloring and a supply of markers under the bed!
As for communication with one another, we kept a large three-ring binder under the bed with divided sections to record whatever we had done during our visit. We described medical appointments and what the doctor said. We made a list of resource people like plumbers and bankers and friends who could help. We included a list of phone numbers in the neighborhood and made sure one of them had a spare house key. One section in the notebook was called Next Steps, to alert the next sister about things that needed to be done. Copies of important documents were kept there, too.
When decisions needed to be made, we consulted with each other and also tried to give choices to our parents. They did not want us to tell them what to do but if there were a couple of options that would work, we tried to let them choose. Sometimes we recruited close friends to suggest options. It’s a lot easier to hear advice from a friend than from your own child. We would also gain another perspective by talking with friends of our parents.
I remember a time when we called our mother’s friend in Alabama. “Thelma,” we pleaded, “talk to Mama – she doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to give up her furniture and all the other treasures, and she’s just not safe here alone anymore.” So Thelma said to Mama, “Glynn, I never have seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul!” That made Mama laugh, in a way we probably never could.
If you can’t visit the elders in your family, you may be able to take care of bills or insurance claims or send money to hire relief if another relative is the primary caregiver.
If you live far away from next of kin or you don’t have any, you can find ways to connect with elders near where you live. The good news is, they probably won’t irritate you as much as your actual relatives do. You won’t push each other’s buttons by falling into the same old family patterns.
If you’re an elder, you can find a way to connect with a younger generation. Leonora Montgomery, a retired UU minister in Houston, hosts an annual Young Women’s Luncheon. She invites all her teenage and young adult nieces, granddaughters, and daughters of friends to her home to find out what interests them these days. She has taken each grandchild separately on a special trip and takes great care to keep informed about their activities and challenges. She gives lots of advice along with a healthy dose of values.
It used to be that the generations literally depended on one another for life.Pipher pointed this out when she wrote that:
Before the pioneers came, the Native Americans of the Great Plains survived the harsh winters by having grandparents and grandchildren sleep beside each other. That kept both generations from freezing to death. That is a good metaphor for what the generations do for each other. We keep each other from freezing. The old need our heat, and we need their light.
To learn from the old we must love them, and not just in the abstract but in the flesh, beside us in our homes, businesses, churches, and schools. We want the generations mixed together so that the young can give the old joy and the old can give the young wisdom. As we get older, we sense more the importance of connecting old to young, family member to family member, neighbor to neighbor, and even the living to the dead. In connection is truth, beauty, and ultimately salvation. Connection is what makes life bearable for us humans.
My sister Madeleine directs an interfaith peace center in Columbus, Ohio. Part of her work is to teach mediation to inner city school children. She has noticed that resilience is an extremely important factor in predicting success for these kids. This holds true for adults as well. Resilient people of all ages carry on in spite of losses. For everything that is taken away’health, money, companionship, for example’everything that remains becomes precious as a single rose. I am reminded of these anonymous lines which speak to the resilience necessary in the face of hard times and the importance of beauty as well as sustenance.
If of thy mortal goods thou art bereft, And from thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left, Sell one, and with the dole, Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul. Food for the soul can be more valuable than bread alone. There are some basic things we need at any age. -work that is real & relaxation: as simple and as important as story telling -respect for individuals & opportunity to form/maintain relationships: as gentle as a child’s soft pat on your back and a lap for her to sit on -self worth: as basic as repeating an affirmation to yourself each morning -and the beauty of hyacinths to feed thy soul
Pipher’s final chapter suggests ways she has seen to dissolve the boundaries of age segregation that begins as early as preschool.
In one town, children formed weekly partnerships at a rest home beginning with kindergarten age. Each child was paired up with an old person and they played games together. One week it was miniature golf; another week it was bingo. The kids learned how to push wheelchairs and how to slow down. The elders got to love the kids unconditionally, even the ones with a cleft palate or a case of extreme shyness.
In a college town, international students went to nursing homes to practice English. But really, it was because they miss their grandparents. Many of them come from countries where the old are important and honored.
Court ordered community service can involve interaction with a different generation like working at a day care center or helping with home repairs for elderly residents.
Musicians of every ability level provide joy and interaction with elders.
And in one town, a planned community included all ages and ability levels. It included assisted living / nursing home / day care / after school care / summer programs / teen volunteers / staffers / day care for workers on site.
There are deaths every day yet there are also births every day. We who have made friends with our elders have been blessed. We who have made friends with children have stories to share. A Chinese saying teaches that ‘We cannot help the birds of sadness flying over our heads, but we need not let them build nests in our hair.’
May we find ways to shake out the nests, loosen our thinking, and find ways to live until we die.
Amen
Dillard, Annie. The Living. New York: HarperPerennial, a Division of Harper Collins, 1993.
Pipher, Mary. Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders. New York: Riverhead Books, 1999.
Wallis, Velma. Two Old Women: An Alaska Legend of Betrayal, Courage and Survival. New York: Harper Perennial, a Division of Harper Collins, 1994.
