© Barbara Coeyman

22 April 2001

First UU Church of Austin

4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756

www.austinuu.org

The Sunflower: A Story of Forgiveness

I want to tell you a story this morning about a man named Simon. Well, it’s actually a story about forgiveness. So before I tell you about Simon, I want to ask you:

Who could explain to me what forgiveness is?…

Could one person tell me someone you’d like to forgive, or maybe did forgive?

Could one person tell me about how you’ve been forgiven by someone else?

Well let me tell you about Simon. This story is true, and it happened about 60 years ago, during a very bad time in the world, during the Holocaust. In the Holocaust millions of Jewish people were put in Nazi prisons-what they called concentration camps-and many were killed.

Simon was a young Jewish man from Poland. Simon was confined to a concentration camp. One day he was called from his work detail at a hospital to the bedside of Karl, who was an SS officer from Stuttgart. That is, Karl was part of the people who persecuted the Jews. Karl was 21 and he was dying after being wounded in fighting.

When Simon walked into Karl’s room, Karl was clutching a letter from his mother and he was crying. He knew he was dying. He also knew that he had done many horrible things to many Jewish people, including setting a house on fire and shooting some of the people who tried to run out of the burning house. Karl felt very guilty. He wanted to talk to a Jew like Simon because he said he wanted to die in peace. So he asked Simon if Simon, on behalf of all the millions of Jews in Europe, would forgive him for all these Horrible things he had done. He thought that if Simon would forgive he, he could die in peace.

Simon was so startled by this story, that he didn’t know what to say to Karl. So he said nothing. He walked away and said he’d come back tomorrow to talk about Karl’s Request some more.

That night, when Simon got back to the concentration camp, he couldn’t stop – Talking about this scene with Karl to his friends, and he couldn’t sleep that night. He was so torn about whether he should tell Karl he forgave him.

Before I finish the story of Simon, I was just wondering: what would any of you have done if you had been Simon? Would you have forgiven this man who did many horrible things to you or your family or your people?

Well, let me tell you how the story ended. When Simon went back to Karl’s bed the next day, he found it empty. Karl had died during the night. Simon never gave Karl the chance to be forgiven before Karl died.

Simon was one of the lucky Jews. He survived the Holocaust. And he lost a lot more than one night’s sleep over Karl’s request. This incident with Karl haunted him for years afterwards, so much that he wrote a book about this. He called this book The Sunflower, because the story reminded him of fields of sunflowers that were near the hospital and the concentration camp. The sun- flowers reminded him of life and hope and beauty which can survive, even through horrible events like the Holocaust.

So I want you to take Simon’s story away with you, and think about someone you’d like to forgive, or maybe someone who you’d like to be forgiven by. And how hard forgiveness can sometimes be.

Forgiveness is Possible

Dr. Loehr is at the southwest district meeting this weekend. This is the first time I’ve been in this pulpit since I received the invitation to Portland next year. It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over two years since I preached my first sermon from this pulpit. I am thankful for the many opportunities this and other UU churches here in central Texas have provided me to hone my ministerial skills. I’m also looking forward to challenges awaiting me in Portland.

Recently one of my seminary profs gave a pep talk to us seniors about to enter ministry. He reminded us that worship services and sermons can vary a great deal, from individual to individual and from Sunday to Sunday. Some services, he said, seem like the finest four-star meal at Fonda San Miguel. Other services are more like take-out from MacDonalds…… I’ll leave it to each of you to decide how you are nourished this morning.

I want to frame my sermon on forgiveness with two readings. The first, by Raymond Baughan, is short, but may pull us into a framework for thinking about forgiveness.

When my anger’s over

may the world be young again

as after the rain –

the cool clean promise

and the dance of branches glistening green

 – Raymond John Baughan: The Sound of Silence, 1965

  I want to tell you about an experience I had about six years ago with some church friends back in Pittsburgh which could have used some forgiveness. An ad-hoc committee planned to re-organize our church’s music program. Things were going along really well, when suddenly our planning fell apart, I think largely because of a few avoidable mis-communications. Ill feelings over music carried into other parts of church life. The music program was never reorganized and several of us lost valued friendships, I suspect for good.

All five of us on the committee probably messed up. Thinking back, there were Things each of us could have done to help the mix-up. For myself, I probably took the incident more seriously than some others. I felt lots of emotion because I really liked the people on this committee and was sad to loose their friendship. I wanted to make amends, but for whatever reasons, we didn’t. I hoped for wholeness, but relationships were broken. I wanted to forgive and be forgiven, but it was not to be. But I didn’t push toward forgiveness because some others on the committee did not feel the same need I did. We had really different understandings of forgiveness. Given that we were in a church context, like Simon in our ‘Sunflower’ story, I started to feel confused about forgiveness. If you don’t find forgiveness at church, where can you find it?

This music incident certainly was not as serious as the harm of Jews Simon was asked to forgive. In our musical problems, no one was physically hurt, even though there was emotional distress. But the incident started me thinking about forgiveness. Why did forgiveness seem so remote, so ungraspable? What is the role of forgiveness in the personal, social, religious, and political communities we live in?

As part of a course on liberal ethics at the UU seminary Meadville/Lombard in Chicago this past January, I returned to the topic forgiveness. I was quite surprised when my research yielded little about forgiveness in the context of liberal religion and ethics. I looked in various Unitarian Universalist materials. For example, forgiveness is not mentioned in our seven principles: like the word ‘love,’ which is also not in the principles, ‘forgiveness’ seems like an allusive quality. There are several hymns and readings on forgiveness in the UU hymnal, but there’s also not much about forgiveness on the UU web- site. Even that liberal ethics course included very little on forgiveness.

What was this all about? Was this situation in Pittsburgh purely personal and isolated: that is, was that break-down just something about us? Or was there something about that particular church context? Or, is there something more pervasive in liberal ethics and religion which skirts the topic of forgiveness?

CHARACTERISTICS OF FORGIVENESS

I thought I might find better answers to my search if I understood better what forgiveness looks like. Forgiveness can be situated in so many different contexts-in spirituality, in ethics, in religion, in psychology. Forgiveness is explained by a variety of criteria. Let’s review some of these.

For one, the theologian Paul Tillich explains forgiveness as continuing to accept one who has hurt us. Forgiveness is a process involving two individuals or groups between whom there has been an injury, trespass, other offense significant enough to require resolution (Kushner). Forgiveness can occur between individuals, or in a community such as a church, or among larger units such as nations. One-sided forgiveness is possible, but not as effective as mutual forgiveness. Forgiveness can also be of the self, as if the self is divided into two parties. Sometimes self-forgiveness is the most difficult: we tend to be hard on ourselves, we often have trouble lightening up. Tillich also keeps forgiveness in check. Some harms are not severe enough for forgiveness: it’s important to know which harms should be forgotten, not forgiven. Clearly, Karl’s offenses against Jews were not forgetable.

Second, Forgiveness involves both admitting wrongdoing and accepting admission of wrongdoing from the other: forgiving and being forgived. Harold Kushner hopes that admission of wrongdoing takes the form of guilt-that is, judgment of self about the act precipitating forgiveness-and not shame-judgment from others that the core nature of other people is rotten.

Circumstances calling for forgiveness are often located in parts of ourselves involving intense creativity or emotion: like work, parenting, sex, and mortality. These areas are all very much a part of the human condition. Nevertheless, we often tend to apologize for wanting forgiveness in these core parts of life.

Also, Forgiveness is intentional. We CAN choose not to forgive. Mutual intentionality is best-both parties want forgiveness-but sometimes forgiveness is for one side only, as already mentioned. For example, incest is often described in terms of one-sided forgiveness, important for the victims but not the perpetrators. Sometimes forgiveness is not appropriate at all- there may be serious injury we choose not to forgive (Rodney Jones poem). But it is also important to remember that forgiving is NOT forgetting. If we forget, we risk repeating past wrongs. If we forget, we miss the process of transformation which forgiveness makes possible.

Finally, thus we see that forgiveness is practical, or I like to describe it as performative. We can’t just think forgiveness, we need to do it. Doing for- giveness brings about changes to relationships. Forgiveness can re-stabilize a temporarily broken relationship. Forgiveness leads to RECONCILIATION. Forgiveness makes a future possible. Forgiveness helps us get rid of grudges and find peace.

FORGIVENESS IN LIBERAL THOUGHT

Even after considering all these dimensions of forgiveness, I still wonder about the absence of forgiveness in liberal religious and ethical thought. I admit that as I read Simon Wiesenthal’s The Sunflower I sensed that forgiveness was a much more common part of both Jewish and Christian cultures in the 1940s than I know today in our postmodern culture. In fact, maybe forgiveness is not so much a religious or ethical issue today, but instead a culture one. Maybe we postmodern humans just don’t do forgiveness these days?

At the risk of over-generalizing, could we critique a collective liberal position regarding forgiveness for a few minutes. Is there something about a liberal mindset which is less than compatible with forgiveness? Can you see your- self in any of these possibilities?

Historically, liberal faith has represented self-reliance and independence of the human spirit. Might these qualities work against admitting culpability and wrongdoing in situations which require forgiveness?

Also, if we misunderstand forgiveness to mean forgetting, we might thus equate forgiveness with giving up control. My Pittsburgh friends could not accept MY forgiving them because to do so would have meant admitting that THEY were also affected by our broken relationship: they would have had to admit that they too were vulnerable, to being hurt and also to hurting others.

Also, while the principles of Unitarian Universalism theoretically promote respect for the inherent worth and dignity of all persons, is there ever any time when we exercise our respect categorically? Do we decide that some per- sons may be more worthy of respect and thus forgiveness than others? Sometimes I wonder if we confuse inherent worth with tangible worth.

Perhaps most persuasively, for seekers in liberal religion, forgiveness may be associated with other religious experiences based on admission of original sin, confession, and general human inadequacy. Usually in religions which advance such theologies, forgiveness is generated only by God rather than humans. In contrast, the liberal view grants humans much more agency and control in forgiveness, but we may shy away from talking about forgiveness at all because of past experiences with this more incriminating approach.

FINDING VIABLE SOURCES

While any of my proposals about forgiveness and liberal views might be theoretically true to some extent, I also know that there are many forgiving persons in our community, indeed, in this sanctuary this very Sunday morning. So rather than categorize or rationalize too much, I’m willing to chalk up that Pittsburgh incident to individual circumstances. However, I also don’t want to back down on my observation that forgiveness could be much more in evidence in our written materials and our worship practices. I’m beginning to find many resources which I think could be applied to and adopted by Unitarian Universalism.

I’ve had some moving forgiveness experiences recently in both Yom Kippur and Christian worship services, and read about forgiveness in bestsellers such as Gary Zukav’s The Seat of the Soul. But the most stimulating ideas about forgiveness I’ve found recently appear in two books. The first is a rather scholarly work by Donald Shriver, former president of Union Seminary in New York City. In a book called An Ethic for Enemies, Shriver discusses forgiveness in Politics-and he doesn’t mean just in Florida. Shriver envisions forgiveness between nations and other large groups of people. Forgiveness and justice are closely related. His thesis is that ‘the leftover debris’ which ‘clogs the relationship of diverse groups of humans around the world’ will never clear up until forgiveness enters these relationships. – Shriver refers frequently to Rodney King’s plea after the Los Angeles race riots that we all get along. Without forgiveness, Shrivers reminds us, we will repeat the crimes of our ancestors.

Shriver’s theory is already being implement in South Africa, where forgiveness is the core of Anglican Bishop Desmond Tutu’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Tutu derived forgiveness from his Ubuntu (U-BUN-tu) theology. Ubuntu theology might be a worthy inspiration for liberal western forgiveness. Meaning ‘humanity,’ ‘Ubuntu’ theology believes that religion and politics cannot be separated. Ubuntu promotes community, interdependence, and mutual support, unlike the typical western ideology of independence, self-sufficiency, and hierarchy. Ubuntu’s central tenet sounds a lot like UU’s 7th principle: that we promote respect for the interdependent web of life of which we are all a part.

Wrote Desmond Tutu: –

… I have gifts that you do not have, so, consequently, I am unique. You have gifts that I have, so you are unique. God has made us so that we will need each other. We are made for a delicate network of interdependence. (Tutu 35). 

However, Community cannot be sustained without forgiveness, even forgiveness toward perpetrators of apartheid. Desmond Tutu’s recent book title tells it all: No Future without Forgiveness. There is no future if we don’t confront past hurt and injury. Unresolved conflict will destroy God’s community. The humans in God’s community must take responsibility for forgiveness. –

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PRACTICAL APPLICATION

How can we become even more forgiving? Since love and forgiveness are integrally related, a proactive mentality toward forgiveness can help us live more lovingly with everyone, even if we do not have specific wrongdoing to work through. Sherrill’s song?

If I had known Desmond Tutu’s vision of forgivenness a few years ago, how might I have dealt differenlty with my friends in Pittsburgh?

-Tutu’s political base might have reminded me not to shy away from issues which require forgiveness, even if we suspect that the other party could hold power over us. In not confronting these issues, we actually reinforce the power and never find forgiveness. – –

– Tutu would have reminded me not to forget about the incident. Forgetting risks repeating past wrongs. – –

– Tutu may have reminded me that if one person hurts, all persons of a community hurt. Ubuntu might have inspired me to re-write our seventh principles, to read something like this: we promote ‘respect for the interdependent web of existence which is sustained by hope for the future through forgiveness and reconciliation.’

So as we asked the children earlier, let us ask ourselves again, who would you like to forgive? Is there anyone you would like forgiveness from? Forgiveness IS possible, and thus a future of reconciliation, hope, and love. For our closing frame, listen to these words of Sara Moores Campbell: – –

… when we invite the power of forgiveness, we release ourselves from some of the destructive hold the past has on us. Our hatred, our anger, our need to feel wronged – those will destroy us, whether a relationship is reconciled or not.

But we cannot just will ourselves to enter into forgiveness, either as givers or receivers. We can know it is right and that we want to do it, and still not be able to.

However, We can be open and receptive to the power of forgiveness, which, like any gift of the spirit, isn’t of our own making. Its power is rooted in love.a transcendent power that lifts us out of ourselves. It transforms and heals; and even when we are separated by time or space or death, it reconciles us to ourselves and to Life. For its power abides not just between us but within us. If we invited the power of love to heal our personal wounds and give us the gift of forgiveness, we would give our world a better chance of survival. (Montgomery 43).

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CONCLUSION

Archbishop Tutu believes we have no future without forgiveness. What lies in your future, in your personal relationships, in your community and church life, in your hope for our state and our nation and the world.

Martin Bryant

April 8, 2001

First UU Church of Austin, Texas

On Palm Sunday, First UU member Martin Bryant will review the powerful story of Jesus of Nazareth. Martin’s spiritual path led him to reconciliation with its message. He will discuss the value of this reconciliation for other humanist/universalists, for his church, and his denomination.

A handful of years ago, I became dissatisfied with my rationalist lack-of faith, and I undertook to try and discover what spirituality was and how I could introduce more of it into my life.

Among the first conscious steps was to talk to a friend of mine for whom spirituality seemed to be a major component of his life. He followed the Indian and Buddhist religious traditions and spent at least a week each year at meditation retreats and had traveled to India in search of inspiration. His answer to me was surprising. He said I’ve been told by many of my teachers that Jesus is a path to enlightenment and an appropriate one for many Americans.

Now I was raised, and confirmed as a Methodist, but it never took, and after I had been in college most of a year, my born-again Baptist high school sweetheart sent me a Dear John letter that called me a heathen. So in spite of my initial reaction to this suggestion that I had already rejected this and the suggestion seemed a little condescending, I accepted this as a challenge and thus began a year or so of sojourning into these things and so I turned to C.S. Lewis. I read not only his wonderful Narnia Chronicles to my children, but I read his other works, including Mere Christianity. Mere Christianity can serve as a sort of rosetta stone for the Christian jargon. From Mr. Lewis, finally I had a working definition of what the “holy ghost” was, but I still didn’t get possessed.

Over the course of that year I also taught the Jesus curriculum to the Jr. High R.E. Class here at First UU. I was determined that it would be respectful and as accurate as I could make it. However, accuracy is a difficult concept in these matters. Though I could talk respectfully about Jesus, to convey understanding about Christianity required a Christian, something I simply was not.

On Easter weekend, Mary K., the then three kids and I went on a camping trip near Kerrville. Driving back in the rain on Easter Sunday, my daughter Kathleen asked about Easter “what did it mean? Why did Christians celebrate it?” I was silent for a while and then told the story of Jesus, not too differently from how I am about to tell it here.

Years passed and in the spring one year a professional colleague of mine who I admire, really my mentor, a devout Christian, sent me a simple e-mail. I had discussed this place with him and he was somewhat confused by it. Right before Easter he sent me this message asking “What about Easter? What do you and your church do on Easter?”.

By this time, I was beginning to find access into myself. My initial guide was the Tao-te-Ching. I am still fascinated by the most ancient texts. I had discovered what many here know, that my sojourn was and would be one of self-discovery. But Don’s question asked me to look back at Christianity. I did and I thought about the story I told my daughter, driving in the rain. I reflected that it gathered much of what I knew about Jesus and I wrote it down for Don and her and I guess for you..

The story begins many thousands of years ago. And those that know it, know that things were not going too well between the one, Yahweh, and his people. Things had started out pretty rocky with the apple from the tree of knowledge. Then there was the time the big guy got so mad he flooded the earth, drowning everyone except Noah, his family, and two of each of the animal species. Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? Even after saving the people from famine in Egypt and then delivering them from servitude, with dramatic plagues and locust swarms no less, there was that Golden Calf incident. The commandments didn’t really help too much. Frankly they reinforced the opinion folks had of the one – prescriptive and vindictive.

Well, Yahweh felt misunderstood. And so, he sent a messenger to better explain his position. A prophet, an angel, a treasured one, more a part of himself than any other.

And people were very surprised. Jesus of Nazareth shattered the “prescriptive and vindictive” image. He taught compassion and tended to the sick, including the lepers. He taught mercy and protected the sinner. He taught justice and brought his message to foreigners, women, and children. He eschewed religious law to assist people on the Sabbath. He taught that man could best show his love for Yahweh by loving his fellow man. And he lived his teachings.

A message this radical was hard to take. Jesus’ earthly mentor had been arrested and beheaded. And Jesus was even more popular and dangerous, both to the established church and the complicated government of his occupied homeland. And so Jesus of Nazareth, too was arrested. According to the story, he reacted to this with a discipline of nonviolence that was consistent with his teachings. But as we all who know the story know, Jesus’ fate, as was John’s before him, was to die.

Now whether by divine hand, or well crafted lore, this part of the story seems to be designed to make clear that the blame for Jesus’ execution should not be assigned to any one party. The Roman governor had him whipped, but limited punishment to that. The Jewish puppet monarch also refused to declare a punishment, giving the crowd the right to determine Jesus’ fate. Jesus’ own friends denied or otherwise betrayed him. Yes, Jesus would die, and it would be everyone’s fault, including, to the extent we could see our failings (of lost faith, embarrassment, and negligence) in those who killed him, our own.

But there was Jesus, beaten, bleeding, in enormous pain, humiliated, and a few breaths from death by horrible execution. And hanging from the cross, Jesus uttered among the most famous words of our lore “Forgive them, father, they know not what they do”

Now imagine you were among those early Christians. Believing that Jesus was the unique “son of God” and knowing the history of Yahweh, the powerful one who had proven to have such a nasty temper in the days of Noah and Moses. Those simple words “forgive them, father”, might offer little hope of protection from that awful wrath.

How long would we wait for the vengeance? Hours? Days? Months? Years? Centuries? What is this time to an omnipotent one?

And yet each day, the sun rose. The seas did not boil with blood, the skies did not fill with death. Those few words, requesting forgiveness began to seem like a shield, protecting the people. Protecting them from a terrible vengeance they completely deserved. There was no other explanation.

Well, two thousand years have passed and here we are now, recognizing the power of that forgiveness. Two thousand years. Forgive them Father.

Now, I’m not one of those people that believes that this story is either historically or metaphysically accurate. In the Gospel according to Mark…….Twain, he said “There’s nothing to change the truth like a good story”. And like many great stories, this one does “ring” true.

If I can learn from this story, if I can learn to be compassionate to the sick, even those that frighten me. If I can be merciful, even to those who threaten me. If I can exercise justice and see all of my sisters and brothers as equals. If I can see beyond dogma and religious law to a religion of kindness and understanding. If I can l be truly nonviolent and turn the other cheek. If I can make my life a mission of reconciliation and tender instruction. If I can forgive, when forgiveness seems impossible.

If I can learn to love.

Then maybe, I can be a Christian, in the same sense as my Unitarian predecessor Thomas Jefferson, who wrote: “I am a Christian, in the only sense he wished any one to be; sincerely attached to his doctrines, in preference to all others; ascribing to himself every human excellence; and believing he never claimed any other.”

Many Unitarian Universalist churches, including this one, seem to have an invisible picture of Jesus over the front doors. Unlike other churches, however, ours has a red circle and a bar across his face. I remember one meeting I attended here where we were discussing not having too much Christian music in the service and someone stated “We never have Jesus or Christ in the music in our church” followed by “…..well never in English in anyway.”

Not unlike my namesake of a few hundred years ago, I’d like to take hammer in hand and climb the church steps — not to nail something on the doors, but to tear down that invisible sign. It does us many disservices.

Firstly, it denies us the proven spiritual power of this story and this message. A message that is in great part responsible for the best parts of our culture. A message that is at the heart of both our Unitarian and Universalist traditions.

Secondly, it alienates those do not need or want the unnecessary and convoluted theology that others package with them, but find cultural reassurance in Jesus’ message and great comfort in the symbol of the kind and wise shepherd. They feel if he is not welcome here, they must not be either.

Thirdly, our rejection of this story is a barrier between between us and liberal Christians. A barrier which prevents us from cooperating with these fine people in ways that could be powerful and meaningful for us and our communities. A barrier which prevents us from building partnerships that could be transforming for ourselves and our communities.

Finally, that sign abandons this story to be the exclusive license of those whose unnecessary and convoluted theology separates this story from the Universal faith where it belongs. If we cannot preach this story here, then it cannot be taught without those things that some cannot accept.

Did Jesus rise? I don’t know. Jesus taught compassion, and justice, and forgiveness.

Can you roll back the great stone of guilt and fear and let those things rise in you?

Unitarian Universalist Religious Education in our Lives

© Andrea Lerner

March 4, 2001

Director of Religious Education

First UU Church of Austin

4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756

www.austinuu.org

Dr. Elias Farajaje-Jones describes religious education as “a global holistic process where we are all radically engaged in healing the universe.” Race, class, gender, geography, sexuality, and spirituality – all of these intersect, affect each other, and are deeply connected. It is the purpose of religious education, he said, to address these interconnections, change lives, and thereby change the community.

INVOCATION

Rabbi Nancy Fuchs, in Our Share of Night, Our Share of Morning, a book about parenting as a spiritual journey, writes of a conversation with a thirteen year old about religion. She said that after being exposed to a variety of religious services, she invented her own religion. It was the essence of simplicity. ‘God created the world and that’s it. You die and that’s it. It doesn’t matter what you wear to services. Actually,… there are no services, just the announcements and the refreshments.’

This girl may not have gotten all that religion has to offer yet, but she has begun to appreciate sharing life with others. As she grows older, she will find that she was right not to leave community out of her invented religion. For many, the home a religious community offers is a profound glimpse of grace.

WORDS FOR ALL AGES

Why do we have to learn this stuff?

Have you ever said that to yourself over in RE or at school?

What is something you have felt this way about?

Here is a story that tell us something about what we learn.

A long time ago, there were some travelers preparing to retire for the evening. They made their camp and watered their animals, and were just getting ready to go to sleep. Suddenly, they were surprised by a great light in the sky, and they knew something important was about to happen.

They waited for a sign or message, meant especially for them. A voice spoke out of the light. ‘Gather as many white stones as you can. Put them in your saddle bags. Travel for one day and the next sundown will find you both happy and sad.’

Then the light was gone. The travelers seemed disappointed. They thought the great light and mysterious voice would have brought a message of great importance, perhaps something that would enable them to bring peace and health to the world.

Instead, they were given the very menial task of picking up stones!! Happy and sad at the same time? This made no sense to them at all. However, the memory of their visitor filled with light caused them to pick up a few stones. (collect the stones in the empty bag and place in purse.)

At the end of the next day’s journey, while making camp, they came upon the bags of stones. They thought perhaps they should spill the stones out, to make their saddle bags lighter. Certainly the travelers were no happier than the day before. (bring forth other bag)

But when they spilled the bags, they found to their amazement that the white stones had turned into valuable gems – diamonds, rubies, emeralds – gems in all the colors of the rainbow. (spill out ‘gems’ – either on floor, if you can stand the chaos of children scrambling about, or into a flat basket, so they can each choose one)

Then they knew what the voice had meant about being happy and sad at the same time….

Why were the travelers happy? (cause they had gems)

Why were they sad? (cause they wished they had picked up more)

Now, here is what I think the story means…

Sometimes the things we are asked to learn do not seem important at the time, like gathering white stones seemed silly to the travelers.

As you grow up, you find that many of those simple things you learn turn out to be some of the most important lessons of our lives.

So I say to you, gather all the stones you can, and you can count on a bright future filled with gems of great value.

Cornerstone, Keystone, Touchstone

My sermon title today is, Cornerstone, Keystone, Touchstone: Unitarian Universalism in Our Lives. A more subversive subtitle might be: ‘How Lifespan UU Religious Education Can Rock Your World.’

At last summer’s General Assembly the Fah’s Lecturer, Reverend Elias Farajaje-Jones, encouraged the religious educators to think of themselves as radical transformers of our worlds – and applauded us as we go about our primary work – subverting the dominant paradigm. No slouch as a radical himself, Dr Farajaje-Jones described religious education as ‘a global holistic process where we are all radically engaged in healing the universe.’ Race, class, gender, geography, sexuality, spirituality – all of these intersect, affect each other, and are deeply connected – like pebbles sending out ripples in a pond of water – inseparable.

It is the purpose of religious education, he said, to address these interconnections – change lives, and thereby change the community. We must challenge the systems that keep us divided by norms – like the norms of ‘whiteness,’ or ‘heteropatriarchy.’ We must address the norm of being able-bodied by increasing our awareness that we are all only temporarily able-bodied. Young people are not the future, the elderly are not the past – we are all the incredibly multi-layered complex NOW. We must remove the walls that separate us. Anything else strips us of our real power.

It was very affirming for me to receive this message from a member in my last congregation: I just wanted to say that I’m blown away by the fabulous job you’re doing with RE. The amount of deep thought, vision and hard work you’re putting into it really shows. I think your vision for the program is ambitious and right on. It’s just what I want for our family from the program – to strengthen and augment our sense of family and larger community, and blur the lines between the two.’

This seemed all about living life without walls to me. Dr. Farajaje-Jones would be proud. It’s not always easy. – Nationwide, the average working lifespan of a DRE has been about three years. There is a joke among DRE’s that someday we might get a ‘real’ job. For a long time, many UU congregations have been served by gifted part-time DRE’s – mostly women, and mostly able to do that work due to a partner’s income – That is changing across the continent now, and I do think we are on the right track – structuring the position so that it can be seen as a professional career in its own right with responsiblities for adult religious education as well.

Davidson told me last week that the new Austin Model has changed how he writes sermons – reaching toward the goal of making a difference in the community. Sometimes the ‘juice and crackers’ part of being a DRE gets in the way me seeing what a real difference my job makes in the world.

I had a low point a few years ago, doubting whether I had chosen my career wisely. Just when I was about to give up, I had an experience in an intergenerational educational seminar. It wasn’t a UU thing, and I didn’t know many people there. One of the participants voiced a strong anti-woman opinion. A teenage girl stood up and called him on his comment. The next day, another person made a homophobic remark. Again this same girl stood up to confront him.

I decided to talk to her on break, and tell her I admired how self-possessed and brave she was. It turns out she was a Unitarian Universalist youth, a product of our religious education system. It was the right boost at the right time for me. I’ve never again questioned how much of a difference we are making. The results might be seen a generation out, but they’ll be there.

So, Andrea, what’s with the rocks?

I had this epiphany last summer about the notion of “touchstones” – and how I could use that word in children’s worship. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know what a touchstone was. I would have guessed it was something of a cross between a blarney stone, to kiss for luck, and a worry stone, to smooth your cares away.

It’s a good thing there are dictionaries! (And the on-line ones were no help here – I used a real paper dictionary!) The definition of a touchstone is – any test or criterion by which the qualities of a thing are tried: that which determines genuineness or value. A touchstone was originally a black stone used to test gold or silver by rubbing them on the stone and evaluating the mark.

My personal vision of our congregation is of a Unitarian Universalist community that sustains and challenges every participant, providing both a sanctuary, or safe haven for our spirits and a laboratory from which to work on repairing the world. In other words, a church that ‘works’ for all its members, and a world that ‘works’ for everyone.

How valuable it would be to have a touchstone to gauge our progress along this path – to see if our actions were genuine and valuable! I offer today that Unitarian Universalist Lifespan Religious Education can be that touchstone – and more!

I see it first as a cornerstone of our lives – that basic essential and most elemental part of our life’s architecture. Our programming needs to be not only informational, but formational. In our lifespan religious education programs, we need to grow deep roots that can power broad wings. Every person should be provided opportunities to become “grounded” in our six sources and our history, forging our personal identity with our identity as Unitarian Universalists. Each seeker from other traditions would be welcomed at whatever stage they are on their personal journey, and respected for their personal truth.

I also see Unitarian Universalist Religious Search as a keystone – that which supports and holds together the other parts. Without the keystone of our community our personal lives would just not be the same. We must join the generations together in this effort, learning together, worshipping together and socializing together, building strong bonds of community. Children and youth must learn what it means to be a responsible member first hand – learning good stewardship, good manners, leadership, outreach and service, both by example and increasing participation.

A cornerstone – to inform our lives and provide a firm foundation

A keystone – to conform our lives and hold us together in strength

A touchstone – to reform our lives and keep us on our chosen path

So, Andrea, tell us how religious education can do all that!

Well, the first secret of success is, as religious educator Maria Harris says, ‘The congregation is the curriculum.’ Everything we do in community is instructional.

Or as Alanis Morrisette might say,

You love, you learn

You grieve, you learn

You choose, you learn

You pray, you learn

You ask, you learn

You live, you learn

When I was the DRE in Orlando, we had a front pew that was just big enought for two adults or three children, and most Sundays was filled with children. One Sunday,our district executive came for a visit. As he entered the new sanctuary, he walked to the front and sat in our small front pew. A child told him he was too old to sit there. He moved. – But he delighted in relating the story.

At first, I was embarrassed to think that one of our children was rude to a visitor. But, after thinking about it for awhile, I realized that our children were beginning to feel a sense of ownership about the sanctuary. Their behavior in this special place was involved and respectful. This was the RE Commitee’s intention when they proposed weekly family worship. The children there, and here are forging a bond with the worship experience that cannot be formed in any other way.

I would be more than happy for us to be known as “the Church where the children sit up front.”

The second secret is that a little intentionality and organization around these life experiences is a very good thing. Our district executive, Reverend Bob Hill has been promoting covenanted small groups – which could include groups that meet around a common interest whose members strive to treat each other with civility and respect, with growing affection and support. They certainly sound like they would go a long way toward filling that ‘community-sized hole in our hearts.’ Ask some of our UU Voyagers about their covenant group experiences.

Last fall, I attended an ecumenical training – ‘Creating Healthy Congregations’, a family-systems approach to creating and maintaining community. During part of the workshop, the leader, Reverend Peter Steinke, told us about 11 triggers of anxiety in a congregation. In talking about them, he said that 8 out of 9 of the last congregations he worked with, across many denominations, cited lack of pastoral care as their main concern.

In the conversation that ensued, we thought it unlikely that pastoral care was being left off the seminary course list, and wondered if our neediness for this care results in part from no longer being served by other institutions and care groups – schools where you knew all the teachers, doctors who used to make house calls, companies where we were employed for nearly our whole work lives, extended families available to lend a hand or an ear. In our increasingly depersonalized world, we are all looking for that place ‘where everybody knows your name, and you’re always glad you came.’

We need to create an environment in which authentic and supportive relationships can develop. Modern society has made this difficult. We are all pressed for time and energy. We need to make the commitment to honor the time we spend together by showing up, spending time together, expressing appreciation, coping with crisis and learning to live in “right relationship.” Creative and innovative approaches are necessary to meet the varying needs of families and help them address the destructive aspects of our modern society.

I like to think of teaching in the RE program as being a ‘spiritual arsonist’ – lighting fires in people’s souls. Summarizing Roberta Nelson’s essay, ‘The Teacher as Spiritual Guide,’ ‘The teacher who listens and hears, who affirms and challenges, who questions and encourages questioning is the heart of our porograms. We can overcome resistance to teaching with a vision that engages and supports teachers in their own spiritual search. We must make mainfest the miralce that we know happens when teacher-guides engage with young people, with co-leaders and themselves. They become of a pilgramage that goes ever deeper and feeds their souls.’

The third secret is that you have to really want it. You have to be open to change. You have to make a commitment. You have to …show ….up.

Larry Peers, one of the ministers running for UUA President, often speaks on the subject of “Evangelism” and growth. Now evangelism is a term that has many negative connotations for most of us. But Larry stressed that we must find a way to tell others our “good news”, to share with them why it is important for us to come here. I’m sure that those of us who found Unitarian Universalism as adults would have come here sooner if only someone had told us about this wonderful, welcoming, fulfilling experience that we share.

Larry is right….we are poor evangelizers. – We are so poor at this that we will not even evangelize our own children when they tell us they would rather stay home in bed, or that church is boring, or that it isn’t “their thing”. The best thing we can do in these situations is to tell our kids why attending this church is “our thing.” – Now, many of us have found this church because of traumatic indoctrinations to religion experienced in our youth. We want our children to find their own answers, their own path to spirituality. But here is the key point….they cannot do this in a vacuum.

I would like to share with you the words of Minot Judson Savage, a Unitarian Minister.

“Parents tell me continuously that they do not give their children any religious training, from the feeling that it is taking unfair advantage of the child. They say, “I propose to let my children grow up as far as possible unbiased.” But if you do not bias you children, the first person that they meet on the street, or in school, or among their friends, will begin the work of biasing, whether you will it or not. It is something over which you have no choice. It is something that will be done either wisely and well-or unwisely or ill.”

These words were spoken over one hundred years ago, yet they seem quite contemporary. Many parents today believe they can raise their children in a religious vacuum. But the thing about vacuums is that they suck up whatever is in their path, dust and diamonds alike, with no filter to separate the two. Religious education provides children with this missing filter.

Show your children that RE is important to you by asking about their Sunday class, by sharing your thoughts and feelings about what they have learned. Bring them on time for class, and sit in on the class occasionally. Make Sunday attendance a priority in your lives, make it an event, dress up, go out with the lunch bunch regularly. Put it on your calendar first, and work other events in around it. After all, if church attendance is not a priority for you, it won’t be a priority for your children either. Of course, I’m probably preaching to the choir, because you are here. So look around, and see who’s missing, and tell them what I said.

You can tell your kids what I told my son a few years ago – He said to me, ‘You said going to church was going to make us better people. I don’t see a difference.’ So I told him, ‘Well, we’re just going to keep going until it works.’

A forum speaker a few weeks ago told us that our children’s personalities and habits are 90% genetics and only 10% environment. Well, if we only have access to influencing that 10%, we had better be pretty intentional about accessing it.

How many people here can tell me what’s in a Big Mac?

That’s right, two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

I would wager many fewer of you could name the seven principles and six sources.

It’s the same for our children – they’re only here a hour or two per week. Making a difference in their lives is going to require a partnership between parents, teachers, staff, and each and every one in this community. The most important religious education occurs in the home, every day, by children witnessing the words and deeds that make up our lives. If you need help transmitting UU values to your children at home, we can help. There are RE programs for adults like “Being a Unitarian Universalist Parent”, “Parents as Resident Theologians”, and “Unitarian Universalism in the Home”. We could arrange classes or loan of these materials to interested parents.

I’d also like to issue an invitation to let me or the RE Committee know how we can best suit your family’s needs. This is not an empty invitation…. we really want to know. It is truly important for you to let us know when you are satisfied with the RE program and when you are dissatisfied with something. We have no other way of knowing how to improve our program.

If you bought shoes that fit perfectly, you would go back to the store to buy another pair, and you might tell the owner that you like his shoes. But if you buy shoes that fall apart, and don’t complain to the owner, he won’t know if you stopped coming because of bad shoes, or because you moved away, or because you wanted to commune with nature through your bare soles. Please, be conscientious religious consumers!

Of course, be forewarned, that if you have a really good idea, the committee will probably ask you to help implement it. And so it should be…we are a cooperative church school… our volunteers teach, chaperone field trips, help in the nursery, and provide sweat-equity on work days. Most of them will tell you that they get as much pleasure and education as they give, maybe more.

And that is only part of the really good news. You already place a high value on your participation here. I think that if we could re-focus our attention on what we love about our community, and keep it there, the rest would just involve working out the details.

That’s why I have asked you all to complete the thought –

This Church and Unitarian Universalism are important to me because….

And I got some great answers! Answers that tell me how Unitarian Universalism forms the foundation of your lives, how it binds us together in community and how it guides our decisions we make in our everyday lives. How it truly is our Cornerstone, our Keystone and our Touchstone.

I would like to read some of them now (Not all responses were read, and different ones read at each service.

I heard Cornerstone Answers, like…

It offers a sacred space for contemplation, a place for focusing on others in the community, and my soul. It offers a wide open container – a place to provoke me, a place to soothe me.

I want my children to learn to think for themselves so that they can make religious, moral and ethical decisions that are right for them. I want them to learn to respect other’s opinions and not be afraid to voice their own. I want them to learn that it is their duty to make a difference in the world. This church and UUism can help me in this endeavor.

they help me teach my children religious tolerance and diversity of religious thought, provide me an opportunity for quality adult interactions, have begun to support me as a parent, and provide a spiritual community for my family.

It helps me to give meaning to my life and has since 1956

This church is important to me because I have gone here my whole life. Also, I am free to believe what I want here. Uuism is important to me bewcause I think it is the religion of the future. I would like to build some off it and create something bigger and better.

It serves all the needs of our family. Being raised in a Presbyerian Church with a Southern Baptist family and my husband being Jewish, it fit for raising our son with values and ideals we both home. Hmmm….interesting that two so different backgrounds would receive the same message. I am grateful!

I feel free to search out my own meaing here, and am affirmed in that search by this church and its members. IN the context of my own experience and the current popular religuos climate, thes feels very speicial. To put it more simply: Here it feels safe to be myself.

What I like about the UU church is the emphasis on many paths to the truth, though I prefer to stress to my own children that this is not a license to believe anything or do anything, but has a set of ethical boundaries in terms of trying to always do “the next BEST thing” and stay (a la Martin Buber) in right relationship with other people. I like that the church gives us room, even as children, to explore these ideas without condemnation. And I want this institution to be here offering that service to my children’s children.

I met my wife at this church and it has been a place for us to grow as individuals and as a family. I especially like having a place where our children will learn about the big questions in life and how to find their own answers. – Tom Bohman

It is a place where my heart can be healed, my mind freed, my spirit encouraged – while wearing JEANS!

…of the total acceptance and nurturing spirit of this church. The inherent worth and dignity of every person is the essence of what I believe. Our diversity makes us stronger. I find this church and Uuism life-affirming in its principles and its practice. I am so thankful for this church, especially as a place to raise a child with UU principles and respect for all persons.

Keystone Answers, like…

I have been attending services regularly since the end of October when I joined the choir. – Even in this short time, I have felt very welcome and find the membership is friendly. The music program is especiallyimportant to me.

They are my family and my continuity in the changing sea of life.

This church is, in every sense of the word, my family. I used to fear this time in my life, but I do not now, because I know I will always have those who will and do care about what happens to me.

I can freely experience and express my spiritual path in a supportive community and my daughter can find her own in the same supportive community.

My friends are here and I’m surrounded by people who more or less agree with me about most things. I am not judged because of stupid things.

No matter what else comes and goes in my life, even my most beloved family members and friends, not matter how full or empty my life might otherwise be, this place, this community of caring and like-minded people is here for me , and I hope it will continue to be.

It is my extended family – far away from my home town. Also it is a place I can feel safe to say, think and feel as and who I am. And have learned to hear and accept others better, as they are different from me. And a place to do things I might not do otherwise or elsewhere.

This church is important to me because it provides me with a community of fellow seekers; a community that is not judgmental; a community that encourages inquiry. Unitarian Universalism is important to me because it provides nourishment to my spiritual needs.

UUism gives me the chance to truly explore a spiritual path rigorously in community – The community part is most important. This church is where my friends are – not all my friends, but many very dear good friends who have supported me through hard times and easy, sad times and joyful ones. Each Sunday I come to worship an am restored to life.

My daughter has found a place here

Touchstone Answers, like…

It supports my ongoing process of trying to become the best person I can be without handing me a package of prescriptions on how to do it. It give me room to grow and helps me do it.

Unitarians have been on the leading edge of liberal thought in their attitudes of women, holding the view that we are equals, and also Unitarians try to get rid of sexism by reworking their hymns and by employing many women ministers and allowing women full inclusion in the church. We are not excluded in this faith, but very much a part of it.

It gives me an ethical and moral compass, without the noice of an imposed theist creed. It guides me in seeking a better path. It offers the same opportunity to my kids, and models that search, should they eventually decide to follow in the same direction.

Every time I attend I feel inspired to live with more zest, compassion and appreciation for humanity and all life. And I almost never feel my defenses rise to reject some form of thought I feel strong disagreement with. It’s pretty much all good stuff.

It is a safe, nurturing place for spiritual growth. It is my community of friends and family. Uuism is fluid, changing and becoming.

I think our church is Peace-making school. Unitarian Universalism in general is a symbol of peaceful values and practices.

To paraphrase Sir Winston Churchill, Unitarianism is the worst of all possible religions – save all the others.

And it’s a great place to meet crisp and interesting older women who have lived life richly and were liberal when liberal was definitely NOT the norm. – What a resource!

And finally,

It is a place of ceremony where big thoughts are stirred.

It is a place where I can sit and be quiet or cry as needed.

It is where I’ve sought guidance about my future, secured my marriage, and honored my children.

It is where my children will learn more about the many faces and names of God.

It is my home where I know I will be informed, challenged, and welcomed.

A cornerstone – a keystone – a touchstone.

What’s that worth to you?

Let’s build together.

© Rev. Kathleen Ellis

January 28, 2001

First UU Church of Austin

4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756

www.austinuu.org

The Rev. Kathleen Ellis has been the minister of the Unitarian Universalist congregation in College Station for seven years. She is also a Campus Minister at Texas A&M University and a volunteer Chaplain with the College Station Police Department.

Mary Pipher, in writing Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, continues to promote relationships among children, adults, and elders, and the communities in which we live. We are often separated not just geographically, but by the times in which we formed our basic values. How can we best understand “the landscape of age”?

This morning I shall begin my sermon with death (and lesser losses) and end with birth (and other signs of life). Recently I was asked by a family to work with a Roman Catholic priest in planning a funeral. The man’s daughter was Catholic; his son was Unitarian Universalist. The service was held at a Catholic Church. The priest John McCaffrey and I did not exactly work together, but in parallel, and we agreed on the order of things. Our respective parts came together in some ways but they clearly came from a different perspective and with a different objective. Although the family members are not of one faith, they had an equal need for an appropriate expression of their religious beliefs. The man who had died had no faith community.

Where the Rev. McCaffrey and I clearly harmonized in our remarks was in the matter of community. Friends, colleagues, neighbors, and acquaintances brought a collective message to the family that their loved one had made an impact on this assorted community through his wife and children, his work, and his love of gardening. People were reminded to tell one another about the good they do while they are living. They were all encouraged to stay in touch with the family long after the casseroles had been consumed, the dishes returned, the flowers wilted, and work resumed.

It is not my intention here to dwell on the death of an individual but to focus on the community of the living. Annie Dillard wrote a wonderful novel by that name: THE LIVING. It tells stories of generations of pioneers who claimed and settled the Pacific Northwest. Death came suddenly, brutally, and almost randomly to many of the characters. But it was the living’of course! the living who carried the story forward to the next generation. Those who died became a backdrop to the harsh reality of daily life. The living had to continue with the essential work of survival.

In another tale of survival, writer Velma Wallis recorded the story her mother had passed on to her. It’s called Two Old Women: An Alaskan Legend Of Betrayal, Courage And Survival. The story is based on an Athabascan Indian legend passed down from mothers to daughters for many generations in Alaska’s upper Yukon River area. The two old women, both complainers, are reluctantly abandoned by their starving tribe during a brutal winter famine. Left to their own devices, the women must either survive the winter alone or die trying. The importance of friendship and community forms an underlying theme in their story. It also tells of survival, forgiveness, and reconciliation among tribal members before the old women die.

A third book I have read recently is Another Country: Navigating The Emotional Terrain Of Our Elders. The author is Mary Pipher, who also wrote Reviving Ophelia And The Shelter Of Each Other. Mary Pipher is a psychologist and a Unitarian Universalist. Her latest book explores the complex relationships among families today when our elders begin to need more help. She distinguishes the ‘young-old’ from the ‘old-old.’

I think we all want to by “young-old,” because they are the people who travel around the country in their recreational vehicles, keep up with hobbies, and maintain their physical activities. They volunteer in a full range of jobs; they greet us at Wal-Mart with a smile. Young-old people are happy to be whatever age they are’65 or 80 or 104 like Esther Albrecht. (And if you haven’t met her, you’re missing a treat. Her daughter Greta Fryxell and son-in-law Paul are members of this church – a great family to know.)

Old-old people begin to lose their health, trade their homes for rest homes, become more isolated, and suffer from dementia. They have attended entirely too many funerals of their friends, so that few people know how they were ‘way back when.’ One woman Pipher interviewed compared life to a game dodge ball. ‘In random fashion, people are hit out of the game, one by one, and then your time comes.’

The old-old may be ourselves. The older we get the more we notice that aches and pains and illness do not heal so quickly as before and may even become a permanent part of our lives. They may be our parents or grandparents or great grands. They may be our siblings or children who need extra care. At the same time, adult children often have children and grandchildren of their own or school to attend or a career path to worry about. All of us are fully aware that families are supposed to take care of one another. But how?

According to Pipher, the Lakota believe that if the old do not stay connected to the young, the culture will disintegrate. We are seeing signs of this disintegration in our culture. Children watch television instead of hearing stories. They are frightened and unruly, numb from hurry and overstimulation. Teenagers run in unsupervised gangs. Parents feel isolated and overwhelmed, and elders go days without speaking to anyone. No generation’s needs are truly met. Segregated societies are intellectually stagnant and emotionally poisoned. Only when all ages are welcome into the great hoop of life can a culture be a healthy one.

When we live far away it takes a special effort to stay in touch. For example, Sherry Coombes spends several days each month with her father so that the caregiver gets some time off. My husband visited his dad every month in Illinois until his death a few weeks ago. He lived in a nursing home in a small town where everyone knew him and would take him to church, bring him cookies, and just check in on him. People here help out with folks like Red Adams and Jean Wyllys and a long list of other good folks. That is such a great ministry: every church needs Helping Hands and caring hearts. Margaret Mead said that our deepest human need is to have someone who cares if we come home at night.

Some people move to be closer to family members. To have at least one relative nearby can be quite comforting. Others have close relatives within the rough circle of Houston, Dallas or San Antonio’not so far by Texas standards. But possibly the majority of us live quite far from other family members.

It’s not just geography that keeps us apart. It’s also the same old stuff that makes family members fight among themselves for years. The generation gap may widen because of the different languages we speak: Words and phrases like ‘depression’ (is it the Great Depression or a psychological term?); ‘just war’ (which war?); ‘gay nineties’ (different century, different context); and ‘courtship’ (is it simply an old-fashioned notion?).

When distance of any kind keeps us apart, it helps to get past the language to the underlying feelings and values. Then figure out what you’re able and willing to do, both physically and emotionally. That might be to write once a month or call once a week. If it’s hard to be with your parents for emotional reasons, limit the length of visits and be sure to have an ally somewhere in town or accessible by phone. It makes a huge difference.

When my two sisters and I were each traveling to visit our parents every three months, one of the most important contributions I made was to find a telephone jack way under the bed in the guest room and ran out to buy a cheap phone. Soon we could have our private conversations with spouses and friends and let off some frustration. We also kept a large poster for coloring and a supply of markers under the bed!

As for communication with one another, we kept a large three-ring binder under the bed with divided sections to record whatever we had done during our visit. We described medical appointments and what the doctor said. We made a list of resource people like plumbers and bankers and friends who could help. We included a list of phone numbers in the neighborhood and made sure one of them had a spare house key. One section in the notebook was called Next Steps, to alert the next sister about things that needed to be done. Copies of important documents were kept there, too.

When decisions needed to be made, we consulted with each other and also tried to give choices to our parents. They did not want us to tell them what to do but if there were a couple of options that would work, we tried to let them choose. Sometimes we recruited close friends to suggest options. It’s a lot easier to hear advice from a friend than from your own child. We would also gain another perspective by talking with friends of our parents.

I remember a time when we called our mother’s friend in Alabama. “Thelma,” we pleaded, “talk to Mama – she doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to give up her furniture and all the other treasures, and she’s just not safe here alone anymore.” So Thelma said to Mama, “Glynn, I never have seen a hearse pulling a U-Haul!” That made Mama laugh, in a way we probably never could.

If you can’t visit the elders in your family, you may be able to take care of bills or insurance claims or send money to hire relief if another relative is the primary caregiver.

If you live far away from next of kin or you don’t have any, you can find ways to connect with elders near where you live. The good news is, they probably won’t irritate you as much as your actual relatives do. You won’t push each other’s buttons by falling into the same old family patterns.

If you’re an elder, you can find a way to connect with a younger generation. Leonora Montgomery, a retired UU minister in Houston, hosts an annual Young Women’s Luncheon. She invites all her teenage and young adult nieces, granddaughters, and daughters of friends to her home to find out what interests them these days. She has taken each grandchild separately on a special trip and takes great care to keep informed about their activities and challenges. She gives lots of advice along with a healthy dose of values.

It used to be that the generations literally depended on one another for life.Pipher pointed this out when she wrote that:

Before the pioneers came, the Native Americans of the Great Plains survived the harsh winters by having grandparents and grandchildren sleep beside each other. That kept both generations from freezing to death. That is a good metaphor for what the generations do for each other. We keep each other from freezing. The old need our heat, and we need their light.

To learn from the old we must love them, and not just in the abstract but in the flesh, beside us in our homes, businesses, churches, and schools. We want the generations mixed together so that the young can give the old joy and the old can give the young wisdom. As we get older, we sense more the importance of connecting old to young, family member to family member, neighbor to neighbor, and even the living to the dead. In connection is truth, beauty, and ultimately salvation. Connection is what makes life bearable for us humans.

My sister Madeleine directs an interfaith peace center in Columbus, Ohio. Part of her work is to teach mediation to inner city school children. She has noticed that resilience is an extremely important factor in predicting success for these kids. This holds true for adults as well. Resilient people of all ages carry on in spite of losses. For everything that is taken away’health, money, companionship, for example’everything that remains becomes precious as a single rose. I am reminded of these anonymous lines which speak to the resilience necessary in the face of hard times and the importance of beauty as well as sustenance.

If of thy mortal goods thou art bereft, And from thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left, Sell one, and with the dole, Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul. Food for the soul can be more valuable than bread alone. There are some basic things we need at any age. -work that is real & relaxation: as simple and as important as story telling -respect for individuals & opportunity to form/maintain relationships: as gentle as a child’s soft pat on your back and a lap for her to sit on -self worth: as basic as repeating an affirmation to yourself each morning -and the beauty of hyacinths to feed thy soul

Pipher’s final chapter suggests ways she has seen to dissolve the boundaries of age segregation that begins as early as preschool.

In one town, children formed weekly partnerships at a rest home beginning with kindergarten age. Each child was paired up with an old person and they played games together. One week it was miniature golf; another week it was bingo. The kids learned how to push wheelchairs and how to slow down. The elders got to love the kids unconditionally, even the ones with a cleft palate or a case of extreme shyness.

In a college town, international students went to nursing homes to practice English. But really, it was because they miss their grandparents. Many of them come from countries where the old are important and honored.

Court ordered community service can involve interaction with a different generation like working at a day care center or helping with home repairs for elderly residents.

Musicians of every ability level provide joy and interaction with elders.

And in one town, a planned community included all ages and ability levels. It included assisted living / nursing home / day care / after school care / summer programs / teen volunteers / staffers / day care for workers on site.

There are deaths every day yet there are also births every day. We who have made friends with our elders have been blessed. We who have made friends with children have stories to share. A Chinese saying teaches that ‘We cannot help the birds of sadness flying over our heads, but we need not let them build nests in our hair.’

May we find ways to shake out the nests, loosen our thinking, and find ways to live until we die.

Amen

Pipher, Mary. Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders. New York: Riverhead Books, 1999.

Wallis, Velma. Two Old Women: An Alaska Legend of Betrayal, Courage and Survival. New York: Harper Perennial, a Division of Harper Collins, 1994.

Chris Summer

December 31, 2000 

SERMON: CARPE DIEM! Latin for Seize the Day!

The Roman God Janus is depicted with one face always looking back and the other always looking ahead. Some of you may have noticed my strange attire today. You may have also noticed the other face I was wearing. Life can be understood looking backward, but the catch is that it can only be lived forward. I drew one eye closed and one eye open. Since there is nothing anyone can do to change what has happened or gone before, that eye is closed, things best forgotten. The other eye is wide open. That is so that we may learn from our past and the experiences of others who have gone before so that we need not repeat their mistakes. Also it allows us to view all experiences, ours and others, and learn from them so we may duplicate their successes.

Since there is nothing we can do about changing the past, let’s then focus on the future. As I go through this sermon today feel free to use the white paper to note things that come to mind: hopes, dreams, visions, aspirations, desires and goals, and save them for later. Dare to dream! Establish a vision for your future. Set a goal. A goal is a Dream with a date, but a Dream without a plan to achieve it is a hallucination. If a little girl can set a goal and with her mother’s help, actively change for a pretty dress what could we as adults achieve? Don’t just speak meaningless resolutions and wishes this New Years Eve. Take Action! Replace your wishbone with your backbone and DO IT! I encourage everyone to think, dream and live outside the box. It all begins with a box many of us have forgotten. A box we quietly tucked away and forgot. That is the box where we keep all our hopes and dreams. The “I wish?” “Wouldn’t it be great if,” “Someday,” box. Sometimes it’s sealed by “I should have” or “Let’s be realistic.?

THE DREAM

The reason that box is hidden away and we stop looking at the future is that it is sometimes painful to take it out and open it, mistakenly thinking that the contents must always remain stored away. For a minute though, just imagine the possibilities. There are no limits. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? Young or old, man or woman, black or white, reach into your dream box and lift out your future. Let yourself explore the wonderfully diverse nature of your personality. Lift the limits you, your family and associations, and society have placed on you and told you to live with. Unshackle your spirit and resolve to LIVE until you die.

You have so much potential locked up within your box or hidden beneath a bush. You are a wonderful creation, a magnificent miracle just waiting to shine. Share your gift with others, explore the boundless possibilities that exist, right now inside your own boxes. Having a Dream box full of exciting possibilities is one thing, making them come true is another. There is an old proverb: Three frogs are sitting on a log. One decides to jump off. How many frogs are left? Three! A decision to jump off is not the act of jumping! First, decide that your dream box will open and become reality then take action to make it so. The second action you must take is to find someone who will help you. This magnificent sanctuary you see here could not have been completed by one person alone. As with this service today, thankfully, many people helped put it together. Your mentor or coach will be someone who can help you open your boxes to reveal the wonderful dreams for the future inside. They are someone who can help guide you along this new path you have opened up. Oftentimes we can see the as yet unrealized potential within someone else before we can see our own. Reach out to someone and help them unseal their own box and let their dreams become reality. You will be amazed at how wonderful it feels watching someone becoming. The candle you nurture into a flame can in turn light a thousand candles. It all starts with you. Open your hearts, take a chance, reach out your hand, share your light and rekindle another’s flame. The journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. A million points of light begins with just one candle. Open the box and let it shine.

SET GOALS

We are who we are. The choices we made and the associations we keep help define not only who we are as a person today, but where in Life that person will go. The decisions you make and the associations you choose today will determine where you will be five years from now. Just as the decisions you made then determined where you are today. The beauty of this plan is that if we are unhappy with the decisions we chose in the past, we can decide to close that chapter and set new goals open up a new chapter. And thus, change the future direction of our lives.

Set goals. In this new year and new millennium give birth to your visions for the future and nurture them. Focus on them, make them a priority in your life. Set deadlines for your goals. Nothing happens without a deadline. How many people would pay the IRS if they said, “That’s OK, pay us when you’re ready?” Develop a consuming passion that will not be denied.

Next year as you sit here you can count your achievements rather than say, “Well, maybe next year.” There may not be a next year! Write down what you want and when you expect to have it. Write down what you are willing to give up as payment to achieve this goal. Write out your plan for accomplishing this goal then put the plan into action. Read this plan everyday aloud until your goal is a reality. Remember, your past has no bearing or relevance to your future unless you let it. Past experiences serve as foundational lessons for future successes. Winston Churchill said, “Success is going from failure to failure with great enthusiasm”. So, instead of looking back, let’s peer ahead with wonder and anticipation of a great and wonderful year to come. The Christian Bible says “What the mind of Man can conceive, and the heart of Man will believe, He will achieve.” Zig Ziglar a very successful man and motivational speaker said, “With good vision, you not only see with your eyes but with your heart.” J.Paul Getty, the wealthiest man of his time said, “If I’ve seen farther than others it’s because I stand on the shoulders of giants.” What all these are saying is that you need a vision of your future. So where are you going and how do you plan to get there? If you are not out pursuing your own Dream you are following someone else’s. Your goal should be high enough that you must stretch and grow in order to attain it. You can accomplish so much more in life if you have a big enough ‘why’. Goals are the major landmarks on your road to success. Achievement of a goal has four stages: wish, want, need, got. What does it take to move a wish for something to a need? A dream or goal big enough that will motivate you into action. Those who accomplish great things are not necessarily smarter than other people; they are not more gifted, have better health, or have more education. They just have a bigger need because they have a bigger dream. You have to move away from what everybody in America does: wishing things were different. Take action! Think hard why you want these things, material or non-material. Think about it often enough and it becomes a strong desire to want it. Your vision of your future becomes your past. Most people use their vision of their past to see their future. Stop driving by your rear view mirror. Stay positive, forget what’s behind you and focus forward. Now visualize what you would do when you have achieved your goal. What does it feel like? Now it becomes a need. This is now something about which you can get passionate. Passion will stir your soul and provide the positive motivation and the energy necessary to get moving, change your circumstance and do something about it. Remember we are talking about your goals and Dreams here. You can only apply negative motivation to yourself. You can never negatively motivate someone else. You can threaten someone with a negative consequence but they will not be truly motivated. You can, however, apply positive motivation to both yourself and anyone else.

Everyone likes to win, if you are trying to help motivate someone else, the carrot you dangle in front of them will help them get moving. Remember though, it must be something they believe in and want greatly. It does no good to offer someone a free set of tires if they do not own a car. Belief in your Dreams triggers in the mind the ways and means of accomplishing it. Belief in your ability to accomplish your goals banishes all fear and doubt. At this point don’t confuse the how to do something with the decision to do it. The decision to be successful comes first. Once the decision is made, then the how-to-do-it vehicle follows. You don’t need to know all the details of how something works to make use of it. First decide to achieve your goals then the means to make it happen will reveal themselves.

COACH

Once your vision is crystallized so that you can touch and taste it, share it with someone who can help you achieve it. A spouse, coach, mentor, God; whomever can support your vision. Don’t share your vision with anyone who might criticize your dream. If they have stake in helping you achieve your Dream they will help guide you so you can take action. Don’t confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant

Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods are unquestionably the best athletes in their sports. Both have coaches. Why not the rest of us? Your coach will help you to consistently and persistently pursue you dreams and goals; guiding you around obstacles and keeping you honest to yourself and your dreams. With a mentor’s help it’s no longer necessary to keep your Dream box, or any of your other boxes, hidden away.

Never live your life by the negativity of others. Do what you need to do for yourself and for your family’s future. What do you need with someone else’s opinion anyway? The only way to avoid criticism is to do nothing, to be nothing, to go nowhere with your life.

You are going to be criticized anyway, so why not be criticized for doing something great. If they are really giving it to you, ask them what they are doing that’s so great. They obviously think they have a better deal, so ask them to share their secret plan for success. Remember to keep moving forward. Happiness is a failure in your rear view mirror.

TAKE ACTION

Every morning in Africa the gazelle wakes up and realizes it must outrun the fastest lion or it will die. Every morning in Africa the lion wakes up and realizes it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve. The moral of this story is that regardless of who you are, you better wake up and start running.

Great ideas and a Positive Mental Attitude are a great place to start, but progress also requires action. The guy who achieves and the guy who doesn’t both have the same 24 hours but the former does not hesitate to put a positive mental attitude and ideas into action.

Yes, there are fears and doubt. You would not be human otherwise. Nevertheless, Mr. Success goes through them in pursuit of his vision. You can’t mosey up on success. You have got to kick it into high gear and go after it like the checkered flag at the Indy 500. Do not wait. It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action. Take action now.

Sit down and establish goals for all areas of your life, spiritual, family, career, and recreation. These goals should fall into near term, short term, and long term. Doing something every day builds a daily habit and your weekly goals just naturally happen.

Making your four weekly goals, and then your monthly goal happens all by itself. Put twelve of these months together and your yearly goal is a done deal! And it all starts with doing something today. Once you have decided what your goals are and pictured them in your mind, keep reminders of them clearly visible. Write them down. That is why you have the white paper. Researchers at Yale University did a landmark study beginning in 1953. They interviewed the entire graduating class. They found that only 10% had goals and only 3% had them committed to paper. Twenty years later the graduates were again interviewed. That 3% had accumulated a higher financial net worth than the other 97% combined!

Be specific about what you want and when you expect to have it. Know why you want it and what you are willing to give up, the price to be paid for your goal, in order to achieve it.

First, your goal should be written in the form of an action statement, “I will lose 10 pounds by March 1.” “I will…” Without action there is no beginning, just thought.

Second, the goal is stated clearly, and to the point, “..lose 10 pounds.”

This is something that can be measured. ” I want to be happier.” is a great statement but as a goal statement it is too ambiguous. Happier in relation to what, by when; how do you measure happiness? If loosing weight will make you happy then go for it. But it must be something that generates action.

Finally your goal statement must have a date, “..by March 1.” How would a football game look if there were not any goalposts or a game clock? Guys would be running every which way and would never know what the score was.

By wording your goal statement this way, you are laying out the road map with your destination clearly fixed. All you need to do now is follow the mile markers.

Keep looking forward. You must constantly visualize what you want, not what you don’t want. You want to re-program your brain for success so start feeding it success based images. If you expect the worst, you invite the worst to happen. Why not instead invite joy and happiness and demand they become your travelling companions?

Pictures are nice reminders. If you can’t find exactly what you’re looking for in a magazine or brochure draw it yourself. Try putting them on your bathroom mirror, refrigerator, the inside of the front door, or inside your car. Places that your eyes often frequent.

When you don’t really feel like getting out the door, pictures of your goal will help motivate you off the couch. Something that I found very helpful when faced with doing something to progress toward my goal that I didn’t really fell like doing, was thinking of the alternatives. I could go out and put in the effort and get my goal that much sooner, or not do it, and either push back when it will be achieved, or face the possibility that my goal may never be realized.

The fear of not having what you want should be bigger and stronger then the fear of doing what it takes to make it happen. This will require change on your part.

CHANGE

If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got. If you want different results you MUST change what you are doing! It is Man’s nature to resist change. Change requires energy and action. That’s why Man created the Lazy Boy and remote control, to avoid spending his precious energy.

Like the trees, if you’re not growing and changing every day, you are dying. You must make growth and change a part of your everyday existence.

You do have the freedom to choose. You can choose to change or you can choose to remain as you are. Do not cop out by abdicating responsibility for your situation to someone else. You are where you are by the choices you made. The system, your boss, your spouse, all had input to where you are, but YOU made the choices. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to the other 10%. If you do not like where you are, you have the power to choose to change. Don’t be mad at the way the ball bounces if you’re the one who dropped the ball.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results! Do something different. Change something and get different results. If you want to have more, be more, do more, give more, YOU need to change. To change the world why not start with the easiest thing and the best example of what you want: yourself. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Change by improving your relationships with your spouse and family, friends, and co-workers. Lasting success in anything depends largely upon your success in building strong relationships with people. When people trust and believe in you, they will support you, fight for you and follow you to the ends of the Earth.

People, when led properly and justly, become an unbeatable resource. An army of sheep led by a lion will defeat an army of lions led by a sheep every time. A man with belief, conviction and no skill will always defeat a man with skill and no belief. Eliminate the barriers you have erected that are keeping you from moving forward. Change your associations to a more positive, uplifting and supportive crowd. Begin diluting all the negative junk your old filter allowed into your brain by reading more positive books and watching less tv.

A great way to overcome your weak areas is to shine a spotlight on them and force them out into the open. If a schoolboy has difficulty in math, how does he become top of the class? Certainly by not hiding in a closet and never doing math again! He gets to be top of the class by doing MORE of what is difficult. Through practice and repetition, focusing on weak areas, they become your strengths. You, and no one but you, have the power within you to change who you are.

CHALLENGES

Use every moment you have to be productive, learn and grow. Don’t just kill time. Invest it. Read, talk with experienced people, listen and associate with successful people, and add to your knowledge and experience. Visualize your future. Do something of value.

Henry Ford said, “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” he also said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” Think of a very successful person and ask yourself how they would handle the present situation. If that person is a good role model for you, take that action. If they are a negative role model, do the opposite. This process will also help put you in the mindset of those successful people you are trying to duplicate.

As you begin to see your first goal realized, check with your long-term goal and see what’s next to tackle. Dream bigger. Always set new and higher goals. This will keep you continually growing, moving forward and pursuing excellence.

The next step is to identify any potential roadblocks or challenges. Facing challenges gives you an opportunity to think creatively. Once these have been identified, develop them into an action plan and devise a way to overcome the challenges. Overcoming the roadblocks will become milestones for measuring progress toward your goal. There is often more than one way to skin a cat. Be creative when it comes to potential obstacles. They often produce a result of equal or greater benefit.

Focus on the solutions to those challenges and the answers will come to you. Look at it this way, if you focused your vision on a bug on the windshield instead of where your car is going, you would eventually drive into a ditch. See through the challenges and focus on the goal. In overcoming, you have learned something that you can teach others and can also apply to other situations later. This may be the silver lining you are looking for. The point is that you solved the problem. Now move on down the road to your next milestone.

PROGRESS

It is important to measure your progress over meaningful periods of time. For example, if you were driving from Chicago to Los Angeles, you wouldn’t stop after an hour and ask, “Am I there yet?”

Meaningful change and growth takes time. Years in come cases. The point is that you will notice progress in the way you think and act and how you respond to other people, but it might not be overnight. At least four times a year evaluate your situation and see how far you have or have not come. Doing this on a regular basis will keep you on track and avoid any lengthy detours. As long as you are progressing toward your goal, you win, regardless of how long it takes you to get there. If you do not make it this time, there is always another day to try again. You only lose by quitting.

This is why milestones are so important; they give you tiny victories and empower you to go on. You can measure progress and feel that sense of accomplishment. Reward yourself for achieving tiny victories, small things that you have denied yourself as the price to be paid in order to win. And I do not mean having a double cheeseburger and fries with a Diet Coke as a reward for losing 5 pounds! It should be something that is meaningful to you and helps you move forward towards your goal.

Don’t confuse activity for accomplishment. Earl Nightingale, an early master of success teaching said, “Successful people are Dreamers who have found a Dream too exciting and too important to remain in the realm of fantasy; and who day by day, hour by hour, toil in the service of their Dream until they can touch it with their hands and see it with their eyes.”

SUMMARY

Look back. Acknowledge your triumphs and defeats. Learn from the mistakes and missteps. Drop any baggage that may be holding you back. Turn around, seize THIS day!

Face forward and set a new course. Set your goals, write them down, enlist a mentor to help you achieve them, allow yourself to change, stay focused, take action daily and this will be the best year of your life.

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Adapted from his forthcoming book “The Road to Success is Always Under Construction”, Chris Summers President/CEO CRS Enterprises, travels nationally delivering his popular lectures on personal freedom and financial independence.