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Rev. Carrie Holley-Hurt
June 21, 2026
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org
You can’t throw a rock without learning about the harm that patriarchy plays in the lives of women and children, but what we don’t often think about is how patriarchy impacts men and boys and the many obstacles it places between them and their full humanity. Join Rev. Carrie as she uses Father’s Day to explore the impact of patriarchy on men and how we might use our understanding to help us do the work of liberation.
Welcome
Chalice Lighting
This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine upon systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.
Call to Worship
A BLESSING FOR YOUR UNARMORED MASCULINITY
Rev. Jami YandleMay the weight you carry not become your cage.
May your silence never cost you your soul.
May the calluses on your hands still remember how to hold something gently.
May the fire in your chest warm more than it destroys.
May your grief not rot underground..
May the armor you wear never fuse itself to your skin.
May you stop mistaking numbness for peace.
May you stop confusing dominance for power.
And when the world demands that you become harder to survive,
may you have the courage to remain soft instead.
Affirming Our Mission
Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.
Anthem
“FATHER & SON” (Yusuf / Cat Stevens) – Brent Baldwin, vocal & guitar; Valeria Diaz, piano; Efrain Davila, bass guitar; Rachel Fuhrer, drumsIt’s not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to know
Find a one, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old but I’m happyI was once like you are now and I know that it’s not easy
To be calm when you’ve found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow but your dreams may notOh, how can I try to explain?
‘Cause when I do he turns away again
It’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to goIt’s not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Find a one, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old but I am happyAll the times that I’ve cried
Keepin’ all the things I knew inside
It’s hard but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right I’d agree
But it’s them they know, not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go
Reading
INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE VISITING EARTH
James McCraeIn the event that you wake up
and find your soul separated from source
and manifest into material form, don’t panic.
Your condition is only temporary.You have been selected
for the opportunity of human incarnation.This 3D simulation is designed
to break up the monotony of eternity
by giving you a fully immersive experience
as a distinct ego identity.Your body will serve
as your physical avatar
as you navigate a dense and dramatic reality.
There will be many distractions
causing you to forget your true nature and origin.
You will experience a range of emotions
from joy to loneliness to despair.But remember – no matter
what trials and traumas you encounter,
your soul remains perfectly safe.At times you may feel lost or afraid.
This is totally normal.
If you ever need guidance,
simply slow down your busy mind
and bring your awareness
to the quiet place
inside yourself.On this planet, nothing is permanent
People and things will come and go.
You will fall in love and form sentimental attachments
only to lose everything you hold dear.So cling to nothing too tightly, even yourself,
and when it’s time to let go, let go with grace,
for nothing is owned, only borrowed.As you walk among the people on the planet,
try to be a good guest.
Tread lightly, Remember
that you are only visiting.
Don’t make a mess.
Listen more than you speak.
Give more than you take.Don’t keep your soft heart
locked inside a glass cage,
protected from wear and tear.You’ll never make it out alive
and time passes quickly.
So come back with some battle scars
and good stories to tell.
Centering
Music for Meditation: “INDEPENDENCE DAY” (Bruce Springsteen) – Brent Baldwin, vocal & guitar; Valeria Diaz, piano; Efrain Davila, bass guitar; Rachel Fuhrer, drums
Well Papa go to bed now it’s getting late
Nothing we can say is gonna change anything now
I’ll be leaving in the morning from Saint Mary’s Gate
We wouldn’t change this thing even if we could somehow
‘Cause the darkness of this house has got the best of us
There’s a darkness in this town that’s got us too
But they can’t touch me now
And you can’t touch me now
They ain’t gonna do to me
What I watched them do to youSo say goodbye it’s Independence Day
It’s Independence Day
All down the line
Just say goodbye it’s Independence Day
It’s Independence Day this timeNow I don’t know what it always was with us
We chose the words, and yeah, we drew the lines
There was just no way this house could hold the two of us
I guess that we were just too much of the same kindWell say goodbye it’s Independence Day
It’s Independence Day all boys must run away
So say goodbye it’s Independence Day
All men must make their way come Independence DayWell Papa go to bed now it’s getting late
Nothing we can say can change anything now
Because there’s just different people coming down here now
And they see things in different ways
And soon everything we’ve known will just be swept awaySo say goodbye it’s Independence Day
Papa now I know the things you wanted that you could not say
But won’t you just say goodbye it’s Independence Day
I swear I never meant to take those things away
Sermon
FROM FATHER’S DAY TO LIBERATION
Rev. Carrie Holley-Hurt
Around mother’s day, I was feeling a little cranky about the way we heap so much on moms and then refuse to provide any societal support but then get the equivalent to a pat on the head with one Sunday a year to be “celebrated.”
So I post a little rant about it on social media…. as one does. Lots of hearts and agreement and then Lisa Carrel responded
“I never hear people go on about Father’s Day the way they do about Mother’s Day. Why do you think that is! I feel like it might have something to do with patriarchy.”
Thank you for that, Lisa. And thank you for your permission to use your words. I didn’t know it at the time but it was such a gift of a response.
However, at the time my response was Yea, its Patrarchy! Fathers aren’t expected to do any of this or carry the burdens mothers do….
I was so cranky.
Look I know this doesn’t happen to anyone else, but I’m not always in my highest self when I’m on social media. I’m sure that’s just me though.
Once I get over my crankiness. I engaged in my most important spiritual discipline, which is asking the next question.
Okay, so why isn’t fathers day a big deal?
Maybe it’s because everyone is told they can do/be anything but for women that comes with the unspoken caveat…as long as doing everything means that you have children.
And men just don’t have that pressure, at least not in the same way women have historically felt it And if that’s the case fathers day isn’t quite the complicated thing that mothers day is….
And while I think that’s at least a part, it doesn’t really get us all the way there.
So I started digging in even deeper and after some really heart-expanding weeks I’ve come to the understanding that it’s not just that men aren’t necessarily expected to be fathers – which is totally fine – no one should be expected to be a parent – but the problem is that when people are fathers, society doesn’t take that role seriously because men aren’t seen as primary parents.
We see this in how our policies impacting families are written to be silent when it comes to fathers.
Back in 2016, when then presidential candidate, Donald Trump proposed a change to family leave act, fathers weren’t mentioned anywhere because in patriarchy the role of the father isn’t to parent, it’s to be outside the house bringing in that money. This not only completely neglects to account for gay fathers, fathers that work inside the home, but undermines the roles of all fathers in their children’s lives. Not to mention perpetuates the whole let’s just dump everything on women situation that makes me so cranky.
Our policies, formal and informal, are so entrenched in patriarchy that they defy the lived reality of so many people,
For example, It doesn’t matter how many times we put down that my children’s father is the one to call in case of emergency, the school ignores it, finds my number and just waits for me to respond. As if their father isn’t responsible enough to parent in a crisis. As if men are too busy to care for their children. The way that men are treated as other or lesser parents hurts everyone in the family and frankly seems to suggest that men aren’t capable.
It’s so infantilizing to view men as incompetent parents.
I would be so offended by that. In fact, I’m offended on your behalf.
Thinking about fathers day and all of this it really just struck me how significantly patriarchy harms men and boys.
Now I’m not a man. When I was born, a doctor or a nurse said “its a girl” and my heart and soul have agreed with that ever since.
Because of that I don’t have direct experience with how patriarchy harms men and boys but I do have a lifetime of observation as well as access to wise and intelligent teachers like bell hooks, Ross Gay, and Liz Plank. And I had a dad
My father was a real “man’s man.” Very tough and brave. After telling a would-be-customer that he (my father) didn’t work on his kinds of cars, the would-be costumer started threatening him. My dad said, if you don’t remove your car from my property I will remove it for you. As the customer continued to threaten him, my dad got his forklift and removed the man’s car from his property.
My father is also kind of a legend…… at least with EMTs. Turns out EMT workers across Texas tell the story of the man who after cutting his stomach open while working refused to be put on a gurney and instead walked to the ambulance while holding in his inners. That’s my dad!
My husband, Russell, first met him late one night after my dad had to return home after he got trapped under his heavy loaded trailer when trying to change a tire in the middle of nowhere Texas. When Russell offered to drive him to the hospital for his broken ribs his response was “this ain’t my first rodeo.”
He was wild and the only reason I don’t completely dismiss the notion of guardian angels. Its truly a miracle that he lived as long as he did… ….though often with bruises, broken ribs, and, by the end, a few less bits than what he started out with.
Maybe my dad would have been that tough and that brave had he not been subjected to the intense and violent formation of a man in patriarchy but I do believe with all my heart he would have been a lot freer if he could have been raised without the confines of it.
To be a man in our patriarchal world is about rejecting one’s authentic self. Bell Hooks wrote in her book A Will to Change, that
“Again and again a man would tell me about early childhood feelings of emotional exuberance, of unrepressed joy, of feeling connected to life and to other people, and then a rupture happened, a disconnect, and that feeling of being loved, of being embraced, was gone. Somehow the test of manhood… was the willingness to accept this loss, to not speak it even in private grief. Sadly, … these men… were remembering a primal moment of heartbreak and heartache: the moment that they were compelled to give up their right to feel….in order to take their place as patriarchal men.”
To be a man in a patriarchal society is to feel the pressure to violate your own humanity. To stuff down emotions and your nature in order to constantly prove your status. This is a term called “precarious manhood” which means that to be a patriarchal man, a person must constantly be proving himself because in patriarchy a man’s worth…his value…. is in how he presents and what he does. In patriarchy, a man’s worth is in what he does from moment to moment. I can’t think of anything that is more antithetical to our Unitarian Universalist belief in the inherent dignity and worthiness than all than that.
There is persistent messaging that to be a man means to be a provider and anything less is to fail. This causes so much harm. Across the world we have data showing that as men lose the ability to earn money or as much money as their partners they take their discomfort out on those close to them, often through physical violence.
Or take it out on themselves often through drugs, alcohol and/or suicide.
The day my oldest sibling was born my father became overcome with fear at not being able to be the provider he felt pressured to be.
Maybe his first thought was to marvel at the miracle that was a new human… but soon after fear took hold of him and propelled him to put all his energy into his work. And so he did… all the time… taking very little time to enjoy being a parent and even less time to enjoy his life. Ultimately in many ways he lived up to the patriarchal expectations of our society and because of that he had some power and authority….but at such a great cost.
Men under patriarchy face the pressure to repress all emotions but anger. A few months ago I gave a sermon on anger where I shared this and so many men came up and confirmed it for me.
That is heartbreaking.
And its where we can see some of the clearest examples of intersectionality, especially how race ones race impacts how they experience the patriarchy. Because while all men are pressured to repress everything but anger, men of the global majority, especially black men face intense consequences when they show anger in public. Whereas white men seem to be making a whole industry of anger in both the government and the manosphere.
Anger is the only emotion that patriarchy deems as “manly”
And any deviation from that is heavily policed in a million different ways, through a million different messages and not all of those come from other men.
Both Bell Hooks and Liz Plank found in their research that women, even those that identified as feminist, were often uncomfortable with men expressing emotions beyond anger. Brene Brown tells the story of a man who asked her why she never included men in her research about shame.
He told her that his wife and daughters would “rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and are vulnerable, we get the s#%t beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.”
Patriarchy is perpetuated by all of us, often through small and every day actions. Because in systems of supremacy we all play a role in keeping these dehumanizing messages going. We are the ones keeping fear of failure and the fear of vulnerability stoked.
And its so heartbreaking because that means that we are actively participating in creating our own and other people’s cages when we could be working towards liberation. When we could be freeing ourselves.
What would it look like for fathers? For men… For all masculine people if they got to live outside the suffocating boxes of the patriarchy?
If they could maintain that emotional exuberance… unrepressed joy..those feelings of connected to life and to other people…. not just as children but throughout their whole lives.
Where they could be loved and valued without having to pretzel into the narrow confines of a patriarchal society?
Liberation, the beloved community, is about the beautiful tapestry that is all of us getting to be ourselves on this planet in a way that is held and nurtured.
Because who we are is holy and sacred.
Rev. Jami Yandle, the non-binary UU minister who wrote our beautiful call to worship, sees their masculinity as holy and sacred.
My friend (and probably yours) Bis Thorton sees his androgeny as holy and sacred.
I see my femininity as holy and sacred.
It is not our gender that is the problem, it is the way that patriarchy takes what is holy and sacred and twists it to confine and control us.
It’s not masculinity that is the problem, it is the lies that patriarchy insists on.
Liz Plank wrote
“The biggest lie is that the fight to address male suffering is separate or at odds with the battle to liberate women. We all experience gender. We are all limited by oppressive gender stereotypes.”
But as UUs we know that because we know and hold as a value interdependence. We know that we are all interconnected. that our freedoms are interlocked.
And we know what Fannie Lou Hammer taught us, “That no one is free until everyone is free”
Our work for liberation can feel daunting at times
But I feel motivated to do that work. Don’t you?
The work that would allow people to live freely
To live authentically
To live in a community in a spirit of reciprocal care.
Where all people of all genders are valued without having to perform.
I leave you with these wise words from Bell Hooks.
“To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do.
In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.”
Amen
Amen
And Amen
may it be so
Extinguishing the Chalice
We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we hold in our hearts until we are together again.
Benediction
On this, the longest day of the year
May you remember that you a piece of the earth experiencing its self
May you remember that there will be many things that distract you from that
May you remember that we are made to be with and for one another
And may you always remember that you are held by loveGo in peace
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