Keeping an Eye on the Demolition Twins

Rev. Meg Barnhouse

August 21, 2011

First let me say how delighted Kiya and I are to be here in Austin. All summer, at Unitarian Universalist camps and at General Assembly, I’ve heard people say “I can’t imagine a better fit for you and for First Austin!” So, here we all are at the beginning of our time together. There is an Israeli proverb: “All beginnings are hard.” The Russians say “The first pancake is always a flop!” Why would people say that? I believe it’s because the Demolition Twins are almost always present in a special way in the beginning. The Demolition Twins can crash around doing damage if you don’t keep an eye on them. One is named Fear, and the other, Anxiety. It would be nice if we could simply serve them their eviction papers and get them out of our lives, but they serve some purpose. Sometimes they warn us of dangers so we can’t do without them. The reality of the situation is they’re almost always around, so let’s talk about how they affect us at home, at work, and at church.

You have heard a lot about family systems in the past two years, I expect, so let me begin by telling you some things you already know. One of the first family therapists, Virginia Satir, described any family system as a delicately balanced mobile that dances in any emotional breeze. If one part of it is moved, the rest moves too, until it can find its balance again. Businesses, volunteer organizations, and congregations all operate according to similar dynamics. The system seeks to rebalance itself after the events that send it spinning: deaths, births, leavings and arrivals.

The people in the system try to rebalance things (get back to normal, move forward) by seeking their familiar roles to play. Family therapists notice these roles are formed in childhood. Some in the congregation were the family hero, being responsible, taking care of things, having understanding beyond their years, staying strong even under difficult circumstances. If you can’t think who, in your family of origin, the hero child was – it was you.

Others were the scapegoat. When something broke in the house, you were the first suspect. If there was a lot of yelling or crying down in the basement play room, your name was the one your parents yelled. Whatever happened, it was your fault. Those with the scapegoat role always feel vaguely that they’re at fault for whatever goes wrong. Sometimes they will even shake things up when it’s all going too well.

We choose from lots of possible roles. Some of us tend to take responsibility for the emotional health of the congregation, others for the group’s sense of vision and purpose, others for process, fairness and justice in the practices of the group. Others spend their energy analyzing the system and pointing out what could be better. All of these choices are influenced by our roles in the family we grew up in.

We are also influenced by our families in the ways we tend to handle being glad, being sad, being mad. We are influenced by our families in the ways we tend to handle conflict, affection, change, friendship, money, tradition. If you picture the mobile dancing crazily, people moving into their family-appointed positions, becoming themselves only more so, you wonder: “What is to be done about this?” That is what I wonder anyway, the early family hero. Those in other roles observe the stress and say “I’m outta here. Call me when things are on an even keel again.”

Two major currents run through any system. The positive one adds health, solidity and growth to the system. The other makes the system brittle and jumpy. One current gives, one takes away. The positive one is presence. The negative one is fear and anxiety. There they are, the Demolition Twins. If you want the system to be healthy, to grow, you maintain presence. That’s the opposite of “I’m outta here!”

People tell themselves they have enough anxiety to deal with in their jobs and in their personal lives; they don’t need to deal with it more at church. What they may not know is that it’s all the same. You learn to deal with the anxiety one place and you can deal with it in another. The same principles apply. Church is actually the easiest place to learn it since you don’t have to live with any of the people. Anxiety is the poisoned gas of any family system. It seeps in and gradually toxifies any situation. Most folks, as I’ve said, find their familiar “go-to” roles when the anxiety rises. Here is another way to look at it, and this one has something the other way doesn’t: alliteration!

Some people FADE when confronted with anxiety and other start to FLUTTER. These folks go around stirring up anxiety in people who didn’t feel it before, which seems to satisfy them. When everyone is as upset as they are they can rest. Some fade, some flutter, and some FIX. Usually the heroes throw themselves into fixing what is wrong. They don’t let the pain last long enough to motivate people; they might not even let the problem be well-defined before they are rushing in proposing solutions trying to make the tension go away. That is my strength and my weakness, I’m a fixer.

Edwin Freidman was a rabbi who studied congregations. His book “Generation to Generation,” applies family systems theory to churches and synagogues. He says in order to maintain health and make necessary changes in a church, business or family, you need to do several things: one, work with the healthiest members of the group, the ones with the greatest capacity for insight, commitment and leadership. Two, maintain a “non-anxious presence.” Three, define yourself. “I am this and not that.” A congregation defines itself: “we gather in community to nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice.” When you define what you are, one important thing to notice is that you begin to define what you are not. We are not a place where you can come get a lot of therapy or where you can come lean on other people so hard that you make them stagger on their own path. A healthy church, workplace or family is not a playground for power heads or manipulators or people who like to play the “I bet you can’t please me” game.

I’ve heard that you all have none of those here, and that’s a relief! You all have been working hard on self-definition, and that goes a long way toward making a healthy congregation. You have talked a lot about what this church wants to be and how it wants to get there. You have begun talking about which paths are worn and tired and need to be let go. We’ll keep revisiting all of that as more people come. It will be fun. What does “non-anxious presence” mean? It means staying in touch with the people in your system, keeping your mission, goals and firmly in mind, and looking clearly at the strengths and problems that present themselves without letting yourself get swept up in a frenzy of worry.

We’re going to get big chances to practice in the next month. The Sunday after Labor Day, you all voted to try new times for the services and for the forum. The first service will be at 9, the second at 10:30 and the Public Affairs Forum at 11:45, also here in this room. The Forum, for those who are visitors, is a lecture series featuring well-known speakers that has been popular here for many years. It’s going to be at 11 45, you should stay after the service and check it out. These are big changes. Oh, and there’s a new minister. We’ll see how that works out!