Listen Deeply. Truly Hear. Become

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Chris Jimmerson
October 20, 2024
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

Author, theologian, and Minister David Augsburger writes, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” Feeling truly heard can be such a blessing. Might it also be true that truly hearing is a sacred act that will nourish our own soul?

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine upon systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth that we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

When you listen so completely to another, you are also listening to yourself, listening to your own problems, to your own uncertainties, to your own misery, confusion, desire for security … We are talking together about what human beings are, which is you.

– J. Krishnamurti
(a philosopher, speaker, writer, and spiritual figure from India.)

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Reading

LISTENING WITH THE HEART
by Gary Kowalski
(a white, retired UU Minister and author of numerous books on animals, spirituality, history and the environment.)

Maybe prayer doesn’t mean talking to God at all.
Maybe it means just listening.
Unplugging the TV, turning off the computer,
Quieting the mental chatter and distractions.

Maybe it means listening to the birds
And the insects, the wind in the leaves,
the creaking and groaning of the trees, noticing
Who else is out there, not far away but nearby;

Sitting so still we can hear our heartbeat,
Watch our breath, the gentle whoosh of air,
The funny noises from our own insides,
Marveling at the body we take so much for granted.

Maybe it means listening to our dreams,
Paying more attention to what we really want from life,
And less attention to all the nagging, scolding voices from our past.

Or maybe it’s all about listening to each other,
Not thinking ahead to how we can answer or rebut or parry or advise or admonish,
But actually being present to each other.

Perhaps if we just sit quietly we’ll overhear a peace whispering through the centuries
That’s missing from the clamor of the moment.

Maybe prayer means listening to the silences between the words,
Noticing the negativity of space,
The vast, undifferentiated and nameless wonder
That underlies it all.

Maybe prayer doesn’t mean talking to God at all,
But listening with the heart,
To the angel choirs all around us.

Those who have ears,
Let them hear.

Sermon

“Sainthood emerges when you can listen to someone’s tale of woe and not respond with a description of your own.” So says author, Dr. Andrew V. Mason.

And yet, listen to these statistics that indicate our sainthood may be a ways away from emerging yet:

75% of the time, we are distracted or preoccupied rather than truly listening,
After listening to someone talk, we can immediately recall only about 50% of what they said. Even less if we didn’t like the subject or the person! One hour later, we remember less than 20%,
It takes less than 7 seconds for you to decide if you trust someone or not. If not, our primitive brain then filters out whatever else they say,
Less than 2% of the population has had formal education on how to listen,
We listen at 125-250 words per minute, but think at 1000- 3000 words per minute,
Most people are uncomfortable with silence and can only make it less than 10 seconds before having to ask a question or say something to break the silence.

And yet, 85% of what we learn is through listening, not talking or even reading.

Further, one in five Americans reports feeling lonely every single day, and having someone to talk with and who will share with us is the key element for alleviating loneliness.

So, it seems we too often are not listening to one another, at least not deeply.

Not only that, but studies show that most of us, most often may not be deeply listing to other important aspects of our lives, such as:

Our own inner voice and calling.
Our own emotions.
What our own bodies are telling us.
Nature.
God, or that which we consider ultimate and larger than ourselves.
The cry of a world that is hurting and needs us to hear and take action.

Theologian David Augsburger wrote, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.”

And, as our Call to Worship pointed out, doing the listening, hearing deeply is essential to our own wellbeing. It is how we learn and grow the most. It is how we create connection and belonging. It is the way in which we live love.

Now, I want to pause and acknowledge that for folks who face physical hearing challenges, which these days includes me, the language around deep listening might feel ill-fitting.

So let’s acknowledge the metaphor and respect that, for all of us, deeply understanding, respecting, and embracing one another involves all of our available ways of accessing and interacting with the world around us.

Telling our stories, and feeling that they have been deeply understood and respected, it vital to us as humans. As already noted, it is one one the huge ways by which we feel loved.

It creates a sense of belonging and acceptance.
It is how we process large emotions, such as grief.
It can alleviate suffering and help heal our woundedness. Deep listening is a gift and a blessing we can give to one another.

And doing the deep listening is a one of the practices that can nourish our own souls and transform our own lives the very most.

When we truly hold the story of another, we open ourselves to love – we create love in our relationships.

The sense of belonging and acceptance it creates for the person to whom we listen, it creates for us also.

And, it may touch our own suffering in ways that begin to heal the wounds we carry.

As I mentioned earlier, offering deep understanding to another is a major way in which we learn and grow.

When we fully embrace the sacred stories of others, we ourselves move into the hallowed space that is the ground of our own sacredness.

Now, that is pretty, abstract language, but how, practically, does such deep listening help us to learn and grow?

Well, probably in too many ways to cover them all today, but one of the bigs ones is it helps us overcome one of the major barriers to our own intellectual, emotional and spiritual development.

Confirmation bias.

And all of us as humans share a tendency toward it, at least to some degree.

Confirmation bias is when we come to believe something, and then start to only take in that information which supports what we already think, while simultaneously ignoring or reinterpreting anything that might contradict it.

Sound at all familiar?

Let’s bring it a little closer to home.

Let’s say, one were to decide something like, oh, I don’t know, those ministers talk too much about God during church. (or visa versa, but anyway).

Confirmation bias would then cause us to only sit up and take notice every time God or related language gets mentioned during a church service – you know, scribbling in our order of service, talkin’ about God stuff again.

And then, we would also ignore or explain away when no or very little such language gets used, never hearing that other folks would like more of a language of reverence.

Same thing with, “Worship should follow a set order of service and be exactly one hour” versus “No, services should be experimental and vary depending upon what needs to he addressed.”

or … “Too much boring old classical white people music” versus “No, we have too much new-fangled, non-reverent music.”

And then, too often, we only hear and remember what we don’t like and miss out on enjoying what we love!

The beautiful thing about listing deeply to others is, in order to do it, we have to acknowledge what they think, even if it contradicts what we do.

Now, that may not mean that we come to agree with them, but it at least allows information that confirmation bias would have otherwise caused us to ignore, and by doing so, we open ourselves to learning and growth and a possible expansion of our own perspective.

Not to mention a greater understanding of our fellow human beings and their beliefs, potential biases, and preferences.

I think of when I studied Buddhism. I didn’t become a Buddhist as a result, but I did come to understand how other folks perceive their world, and it altered my own practices – enhanced and added nuance to my own theology.

This way that listening deeply can break through our confirmation biases, I think, can be especially important when we find ourselves in strong disagreement with others.

Author, actor and founder of Urban Confessional: A Free Listening Movement, Benjamin Mathes tells a story of when he held up a sign that simply said, “free listening” at the Republican National Convention.

I want to read you an edited version of his story, because I don’t think I could do it justice otherwise. He writes:

She was just staring at me.

Finally, she walked up, and like a young warrior preparing for battle, she said:

“I don’t usually do this … But, I think abortion is wrong. It s not a form of birth control, and people who have them should be arrested for murder.”

… I wanted to stop her, and tell her my story.

I’ve sat with two loved ones as they suffered through the difficult decision and consequences of ending a pregnancy. It was a brutal human experience …

There were so many things I wanted to say.

I wanted to change her mind, to argue, to disagree. It s a natural response.

But, if my story brought me to my beliefs, then I needed to know how her story brought her to her beliefs.

So, I asked:

“Thank you for sharing that. Tell me your story? I’d love to know how you came to this point of view.”

She seemed surprised by my interest.

“Why? It doesn’t matter. Your sign said Free Listening, so I gave you something to listen to.”

“Give me more to listen to.”

“They should be locked up! Its wrong. Its not right to go out and sleep with whoever, then just toss away the result like it never happened.”

She paused … then inhaled the entire world.

“And its not fair. All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mom. My whole life, I knew I was meant to have children. Then, when I was 18 É 18 the doctor told me I’d never have children.

I kept it a secret, and when my husband found out, he left me. I’m alone, my body doesn’t work, I’m old … who will ever love me …”

I wondered if she could hear my heart breaking

Sometimes, there s nothing to “disagree” with.

I didn’t need to be right.

I just needed to be there.

She wiped away a few tears, gave me a hug, and thanked me for listening.

Maybe one day, she’ll hear my story. But today, it was my turn to hear hers.

I hope she felt loved.

The truth is, … our love can hold space for paradox, tension, and disagreement … our listening, must bring in, not edit out.

Dare to listen, dare to be quiet, dare to seek understanding; in the end, it’s the people we need to love, not their opinions.

Now, Benjamin Mathes didn’t change his mind about reproductive justice that day.

He did learn something about our own biases regarding those with whom we disagree.

And in fact, those who study it say that the number one way to dialogue with folks with whom we disagree, is to start with the question he asked, “Would you tell me your story?”

As one researcher put it, “Hear the Biography, not the ideology.”

Now, I’d like to quickly share a few other important tips for listening deeply, whether or not we agree or disagree:

When possible, maintain eye contact and watch for verbal cues.
Stop formulating your response while they are still speaking – you can’t keep an open mind if you do.
Wait until they pause to ask questions and then only ask questions to clarify. “How can you possibly think that?” is not a clarifying question.
Practice the 80/20 rule – if you are talking more than 20% of the time, stop talking and start listening more.

Finally, I want to close with two really big ones: Stop interrupting!

Author and researcher Diane Schilling writes, “Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

‘I’m more important than you are.’
‘What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.’
‘I don’t really care what you think.’
‘I don’t have time for your opinion.’
‘This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.’

And, lastly and maybe most vitally, treat listening deeply as a spiritual practice … because we have to practice it in order to actually do it in our daily lives.

As I mentioned earlier, almost none of us were taught how to listen.

And one of the ways we can get the practice is right here, in this our religious community.

We can practice with each other.

And our small group ministries are designed specifically to encourage deep listening.

We can use them as models.

What if we made life our own small group ministry?

Whether it is with other people; our own inner voice, emotions or body; that which we consider ultimate; God; the cry of a world that needs us, deep listening is a sacred act.

“The truth is, … our love can hold space for paradox, tension, and disagreement … our listening; must bring in, not edit out.

Dare to listen, dare to be quiet, dare to seek understanding … Then, might our sainthood emerge after all.

It’s worth a try.

Amen.

Extinguishing the Chalice

We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we hold in our hearts until we are together again.

Benediction

HOW TO LISTEN
by Joyce Stephan

Tilt your head slightly to one side and lift your eyebrows expectantly. Ask questions.
Delve into the subject at hand or let things come randomly.
Don’t expect answers.
Forget everything you’ve ever done. Make no comparisons. Simply listen.
Listen as if the story you are hearing is happening right now.
Listen as if a move might frighten the truth away forever.
Don’t attempt to copy anything down.
Don’t bring a camera or a recorder.
This is your chance to listen carefully.
Your whole life might depend on what you hear.

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