That's Amore

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Chris Jimmerson
February 16, 2025
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

We have just celebrated another Valentine’s Day, so let’s explore the practices that help us create healthy, successful romantic relationships and how many of those same practices might also enhance our love for family, friends, and others – and might even lead us to Agape – selfless, unconditional, divine love.

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine upon systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth that we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

Even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth,
“You owe me.”
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.

– Hafiz

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Anthem

DIRAIT-0N (translated as “AS THEY SAY”)
Morten Lauridsen
The first UU Adult Choir; Brent Baldwin, Conductor; Valerie Diaz, Piano

Translation of the lyrics that captures the poetic intent:

Wildness surrounding wildness,
Tenderness touching tenderness,
It is your own core that you ceaselessly caress, …. as they say.

It is your own center that you caress,
Your own reflection gives you light.
And in this way, you show us how Narcissus is redeemed.

The words in French are from a collection of poems about roses by Rilke, a European poet who wrote in the early 1900’s. Rilke often wrote lyrical, mysterious poetry, and often wrote about roses. In this poem, on one level, Rilke is describing a rose. In this interpretation, Rilke sees a rose and its petals as “wildness surrounding wildness,” and yet “tenderness touching tenderness.”

He marvels that the wild and delicate rose petals are caressing the core, the center, of the rose.

Rilke then refers to the sad story of Narcissus, the vain youth from Greek and Roman mythology. When Narcissus saw his own reflection in the water of a river for the first time, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection, not realizing it was himself. He was so in love with himself, that he refused to eat, and soon wasted away and died. To help remember him, the narcissus flower grew where he had been.

In some versions of the story, Narcissus’s soul descends to hell, where he is doomed to look at his reflection forever, and may never see another person. In Rilke’s poem (and in this song), the wildness, tenderness, and self-awareness of the rose is contrasted with Narcissus, and perhaps Rilke is suggesting that the rose can show us how Narcissus can be redeemed – that is, freed from his fate of eternally gazing only on himself and not being aware of the world or people around him.

On another level, Rilke could also be describing a lover – a lover who is “wildness surrounding wildness,” and “tenderness touching tenderness.” Again, on this level, perhaps Rilke is suggesting that a wild and tender lover can show us, how to be freed from our own narcissistic self-absorption.

Reading

From STILL LIFE WITH WOODPECKER
by Tim Robbins

Love is the ultimate outlaw.
It just won’t adhere to any rules.
The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice.
Instead of vowing to honor and obey,
maybe we should swear to aid and abet.
That would mean that security is out of the question.
The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate.
My love for you has no strings attached.
I love you for free.

Sermon

Happy Valentine’s a couple of days after the actual date.

Gretchen shared with us the four types of love earlier, and, of course, Valentines is all about love, particularly the type of love we call Eros or romantic love.

This was my first Valentines without my longtime romantic love, Wayne, so I’ve been thinking and reading a lot about what makes romantic relationships healthy – what makes them work – what made 33 years with Wayne work.

And, unexpectedly, to my surprise and grateful wonder, I have also had a valentine come into my life recently.

So I thought it might be fun, and, actually, soul nourishing, to think together a little bit today on what we know about how we might create and sustain healthy, mutually satisfying and beneficial eros love.

By far, the most common thread I found in the psychological research on the subject, is that the partners in a mutually life-enhancing romantic relationship establish as their shared goal for the relationship that each person in it fully thrive, fully flourish – they strive to support one another’s reaching for their greatest creative potential.

That rings true to me. I don’t think I would have ever become a minister, what I now know is my calling in life, if it it weren’t for Wayne.

That is a true gift he supported me in discovering.

And for each partner to thrive requires a sense of equity within the relationship.

Decision making is shared and communication is open and honest, even when it is hard.

Now, equality and being the same are not, well, the same.

So you might be better at cooking, and I might be better at organizing the kitchen, and that’s OK – we talk up front about who leads what, and we celebrate and learn from our differences, each of us becoming more creative and capable because of the other.

And by keeping communication open and discussing things up front, no one has to keep a ledger – equity is built into the ongoing interaction within the relationship.

Now, of course, there will still be disagreements.

What successful romantic partners do that help them navigate conflict though, is that they fight fair.

No personal attacks. No avoidance. No shutting down. No storming out of the room. No refusal to forgive.

Instead, the focus is on honest communication to identify where the true area of disagreement lies, make it explicit, and then find solutions that each of them can live with – or discover even better, more creative ways of addressing the issue than what either of them had come in with.

Here are some other ways that successful romantic partners support one another’s life-fulfillment:

• They infuse a sense of joy, fun, and playfulness into the relationship.

For example, they have fun, endearing “pet names” for one another. They approach their time together with humor. They schedule time to do things they both enjoy together – to play together. They reward each other with compliments and endearments freely and frequently.

• They recognize that each of us and each situation may be different as regards what might best support the other. So, they make this explicit. Instead of asking, “how can I help?”, one New York Times article suggests asking, “Would helping, hugging, or hearing you feel most supportive?”

The three “Hs”.

Recently, we’ve added a fourth “H” – Halo Top ice cream.

• Thriving romantic partners are creative about how they structure their life together – Marriage and family therapist Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile says that they throw out the relationship rule book.

So, for instance, if two people have very different traveling styles and habits, is it really necessary that their recreational travel be done together?

If they have very different sleeping habits, is sleeping under the same roof, just fine, even if they don’t always sleep in the same bed?

Several years after my stepdad, Ty died, my mom met Paul, who has become a wonderful and loving companion with her.

They decided not to move in together. They spend part of each week at her home and part at his, sometime even apart as their lives demand.

And they love it, and they love each other. Throw out the rule book and get creative!

• Here’s one more thing. Psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman has found that relationships flourish when we pay attention to what he calls “emotional bids.”

Bids are “Fundamental units of emotional communication’ when we reach out to a partner with a request to connect. They can be big or small, verbal or nonverbal. We can be aware that we are making them or completely unaware.

An example of such a bid for connection might be if an avid birdwatcher, excitedly says to her husband, “Wow, I was just out watering the plants, and the most beautiful hummingbird I have ever seen flew right up to me and just hovered there staring at me!”

Now, her husband may not have much interest in birding himself, but if he recognizes this bid for connection and turns towards it by saying something like, “Really, honey, that’s amazing, what did it look like?”, he enhances their sense of connection.

However, if he turns away – “That’s great, honey, I need to finish this report for work” or turns against – “Why do you always interrupt me when I’m trying to work from home”, the connection is thwarted and the relationship may be damaged.

Successful romantic partners make these bids often, learn to recognize each others bids, and turn toward them the vast majority of the time.

And that requires us to risk vulnerability with each other.

One way Wayne used to make such a bid was to join me if I was on the couch watching TV or in bed reading and lay his head on my shoulder or upper arm.

I came to realize that this often meant he needed to talk about something that was difficult for him, so I learned to say something like, “It’s OK. Tell me.”

And he would.

And so we learn to turn toward each other. And so love goes. And so love grows.

Well, these are just a few examples I have found out there in the “literature on love”.

And it occurs to me that these practices that lead to flourishing eros love, are really spiritual practices that could also aide us in love for our friends and family, as well as that divine, pure, unselfish, and unconditional love for all called Agape love.

Supporting others in coming fully alive.

Equity.

Open communication, creative disagreement, valuing our differences. Joy, fun, and playfulness.

Hug. Hear. Help. Halo Top.

Getting creative about the ways we are in relationship. Making and turning toward bids for connection. Mutual flourishing as the goal.

All of these, it seems to me, are spiritual disciplines that can move us toward greater love in our lives AND living out our core Unitarian Universalist value – that Agape love.

Maybe Eros love is just how soulmates help each other practice Agape love.

Happy Valentines, my Beloveds!

Extinguishing the Chalice

We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we hold in our hearts until we are together again.

Benediction

Our benediction today is from words by writer and civil rights activist, James Baldwin:

The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love-whether we call it friendship or family or romance- is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another.

May the congregation say, “Amen”, and “Blessed Be.” Go in peace.

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