From your Healthy Relations Team
Dear Healthy Relations Team,
It’s difficult enough trying to engage people I don’t know during coffee hour. Now, it seems, I must worry about pronouns. I am so nervous about making mistakes that I retreat to the corners or engage only with people I know. This certainly doesn’t seem welcoming. Any suggestions?
Confused and Wary
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Dear Confused and Wary,
There are so many ways in which we can fail to be welcoming. Thank you for bringing to our attention one way that is new to many of us and, therefore, uncomfortable. Today we have turned to an expert and asked Evan Mahony, a trans competency trainer and new board member, to provide us guidance both about how to avoid allowing our silence to inhibit progress and/or failing to interrupt hurtful interactions when we witness them. Evan writes:
“In my professional life as a trans competency trainer, my first piece of advice is to initiate introductions yourself by saying, ‘Hi, I’m Evan. My pronouns are they/them.’ If they don’t respond with pronouns, don’t worry. If they do, you know what they prefer.
People ask, ‘What do I do if I misgender or mis-name someone accidentally?’ There is a lot of worry and concern about accidentally saying the wrong thing. My answer is to briefly apologize, quickly correct yourself, and move on. It’s as simple as ‘I was talking to Alex and he—sorry, I mean she—said that she would bring the cups for the party,’ or ‘After service today I have to talk to Jenny—oh, sorry, Jonathan—about our class.’
Apologizing too effusively or too lengthily runs the risk of centering speaker’s own feelings and making the trans person feel pressured to reassure the speaker. Everyone makes mistakes—wires get crossed (for example, many people have had the experience of a parent absent-mindedly calling them a sibling’s name)—even trans people misgender each other by accident sometimes (I certainly do)! The point isn’t to be perfect and never make mistakes—the important part is how we recognize, take responsibility for, and correct our mistakes going forward.
Another question is what to do if you observe someone misgendering a trans person in front of you. This can get a little more complicated depending on the circumstance, but usually I would recommend, if you have a relationship to that trans person, ask them, ‘If I observe someone misgendering you, would you like me to correct the speaker? Does your preference change depending on whether you’re present for the conversation or not?” And then follow their preference.’
For me, personally, I very much appreciate when other people speak up and correct others for me, so that I don’t have to do so myself! It doesn’t have to be a whole conversation—just a quick interjection of ‘Oh, Evan uses they/them’ or ‘Oh, Evan is nonbinary’ can be very helpful. At a previous job, I had a coworker who repeatedly used the wrong pronouns for me, and my boss very consistently corrected my coworker over and over until my coworker started getting my pronouns right. That was a wonderful example of allyship and support in action.”
The Healthy Relations Ministry thanks Evan for their help today. We are available to you as a resource if you need help with a difficult situation here at church. The Healthy Relations team includes Margaret Borden, Tomas Medina, and Julie Paasche and can be reached at healthyrelations@austinuu.org.
For our service on August 20, Rev. Chris and Rev. Michelle will answer your questions about the church, life, the universe, and everything (though neither will pretend to have the answers to all that). We will provide materials to jot down and submit your questions on August 20; however, if you know you will be attending the service virtually or will not be able to attend the service live, please feel free to submit your question ahead of time to 