Have smaller fights

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Meg Barnhouse
October 4, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

We will talk about how to step into a conflict with an open heart, armed with ways to listen and to speak our truth. There are ways to disagree with one another without being disagreeable. Resilient rather than reactive.

 


 

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.

– Lao Tzu

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

A LITANY FOR SURVIVAL
by Audre Lorde

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children’s mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours;

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid

So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.

Sermon

These days we might feel that we are being tumbled in a giant slow-motion dryer. Whoops, we’re upside down again. Ok, I can adjust to that. OH NO, now we’re all upside down again!

Meanwhile, we have to keep our lives going. Things must be cleaned. Families must be loved. Work must be done. All of these things take time. It’s easy to get testy, overwhelmed. When we are testy and overwhelmed on this coronacoaster, if we run into a conflict with someone along the way, it might be that we don’t come at the conflict from the very best and most enlightened part of ourselves. Today we’re going to talk about how to have smaller fights. Let me talk about fighting for a moment. Almost all healthy families have fights.

People learn how to fight from the family they grew up in. Who was allowed to raise their voice? Who was allowed to show anger? How was anger shown? Were there some people who got cold and quiet in their anger? Was there someone who was angry very sweetly, with a smile on their face and a lilt in their voice? Did anyone throw things, or even hit? Did things go to nuclear level quickly, before calm discussion or intense negotiation?

We learn from how we grew up. As adults we adjust as we learn new things. I spent 15 years as a couples counselor, and I’ve seen a lot of different ways of making fights big.

How do you have a big fight? How do you escalate a disagreement into a fight?

 

    • 1. You tell the other person what they think, feel, or believe. You saw this if you watched the debate. “You want to do blah blah blah,” or “You think blah blah is a good idea.” In my family growing up, this technique was expressed with an affectionate disappointed look. “You don’t think THAT!?”

 

 

    • 2. You take what someone said and go to the extreme. I say “Black Lives Matter,” and someone else says “Oh, so….” (A SURE fire escalation technique is “oh, so….”) “Oh, so white lives don’t matter at all? Law enforcement lives don’t matter at all?” Not what I said. Why did you hear “only BLM?” “Oh, so” is also used to start sentences where you tell the other person how they think, feel, or believe. See method of escalation number one.

 

 

    • 3. You tell the other person to calm down. This never helps a fight get smaller.

 

 

    • 4. If this is a family disagreement, a good escalation technique is to tell someone they are just like their father. Or just like their mother.

 

 

  • 5. Bring up things that happened long ago, that can’t be helped.

 

Now that I’ve told you 5 techniques for escalating a fight, it’s only fair that I tell some ways to make them smaller.

 

    • 1. Remember that most people, when disagreeing, are scared. This passage from Hillbilly Elegy describes the mind of one person who holds trauma in their body.

 

 

For kids like me, the part of the brain that deals with stress and conflict is always activated… We are constantly ready to fight or flee, because there is a constant exposure to the bear, whether that bear is an alcoholic dad or an unhinged mom (p228)…. I see conflict and I run away or prepare for battle. (p246)

 

J.D. Vance, Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis

 

 

    • 2. Remember that almost everyone has weak stitches, broken places. My friend Joanna Fontaine Crawford, the minister up north of here at Live Oak UU, describes trauma as everyone having a little shard of glass somewhere in their body/mind/spirit, and the only way to know where it is is by bumping it by accident. Especially now, as our country feels the strain of increasing polarization and a violent backlash against ant-racism movements, people are wound up.

 

 

    • 3. Try to think: Resilient, not reactive. Reactive is when we come back at someone so fast it feels like it didn’t even come from our brain, that it came straight from our body. Can we be resilient enough to be quiet for a moment when someone is saying something uncomfortable. If you get defensive, there is no shame in that, because we all want to defend ourselves and the values we hold dear. But maybe give it five minutes so you can really understand what the other person is trying to say. Resilience takes practice.

 

 

    • 4. Maybe ask a few questions before you respond. “Help me understand,” or “How did you come to this?” Or, if they’re telling you about something you did that hurt them, develop the resilience to ask “Tell me how it felt for you, when I said that.” Instead of “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “You’re so sensitive,” or “I’m insulted that you even thought I could mean something like that.” Or I’m sorry! I SAID I’m sorry, so drop it!”

 

 

  • 5. Remember that at the root of most fights is the question: “Am I loveable?”

 

Let me close by repeating the call to worship reading this morning from Lao Tsu

In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don’t try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.

– Lao Tzu

 


 

Most sermons during the past 20 years are available online through this website. Click on the index link below to find tables of all sermons for each year listed by date (newest to oldest) with topic and speaker. Click on a topic to go to that sermon.

SERMON INDEX

Podcasts of this and other sermons are also available for free on iTunes. You can find them by clicking on the podcast link below or copying and pasting this link. https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/first-unitarian-universalist/id372427776

PODCASTS

Forgiveness

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Meg Barnhouse
September 27, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Sometimes we can only make a beginning in our process of forgiving others or even ourselves. If you will, please bring a little piece of ribbon or string with you when you join us for worship. We will use knots in the ribbon to represent the knots in our spirit that holding a grudge creates.

 


 

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

Nelson Mandela
On his release from prison after 27 years

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind I’d still be in prison.”

Sermon

Text of this sermon is not yet available.

 


 

Most sermons during the past 20 years are available online through this website. Click on the index link below to find tables of all sermons for each year listed by date (newest to oldest) with topic and speaker. Click on a topic to go to that sermon.

SERMON INDEX

Podcasts of this and other sermons are also available for free on iTunes. You can find them by clicking on the podcast link below or copying and pasting this link. https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/first-unitarian-universalist/id372427776

PODCASTS

Celebration Sunday 2020

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Meg Barnhouse
September 20, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

It’s Celebration Sunday! We ask for your support so that First UU can continue to provide the Sunday Worship services and Music Programs you have come to love.

Your pledge supports our social justice initiatives, pays ministers and staff, and maintains our church campus. All donations for pledges and general fund go into keeping First UU moving forward in its mission. We receive no financial support from the Unitarian Universalist Association or any other entity outside our congregation, so we depend on you to help us nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Support First UU as we plant seeds for the future, to be harvested by the generations to come. Thank you for your faithfulness in service and donations to First UU and we look forward to what comes next for the life of this church, its congregation, and how we learn to adapt to this ever changing world.

 


 

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

COTTONWOOD TREES
– Lynn Ungar

The cottonwoods are
flinging themselves outward,
filling the air with spiraling flurries,
covering lawns in deepening drifts.
You could not call this generosity.
Like any being, they
let loose what they have
in order to survive,
in order that their lives might continue
in a new year’s growth.
The more seeds they send out
on their lofted journeys
the greater the chance
for their kind to flourish.
There is no hesitation.
No one asks how much
they will give. Without words
they know so clearly
that everything depends
on what we call giving,
that which the world knows only as creation.

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

People say, “What is the sense of our small effort?” They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time. A pebble cast into a pond causes repples that spread in all directions. each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that. No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There is too much work to do.

– Dorothy Day

Sermon

Text of this sermon is not yet available.

 


 

Most sermons during the past 20 years are available online through this website. Click on the index link below to find tables of all sermons for each year listed by date (newest to oldest) with topic and speaker. Click on a topic to go to that sermon.

SERMON INDEX

Podcasts of this and other sermons are also available for free on iTunes. You can find them by clicking on the podcast link below or copying and pasting this link. https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/first-unitarian-universalist/id372427776

PODCASTS

Rest, Renew, Reimagine

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Chris Jimmerson
September 13, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

During times of anxiety and stress, we often need more rest. Physical, mental and spiritual renewal can become even more important for us. We’ll explore stories of renewal, ways we might find it and how sometimes when our life circumstances change dramatically, we may be able to reimagine ourselves.

 


 

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

“Anyone can slay a dragon,” she told me. “But try waking up very morning and loving the world all over again. That’s what makes a real hero.”

– Brian Andreas (Kai Skye)

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

Excerpted from
THINGS THAT JOIN THE SEA AND THEY SKY: FIELD NOTES ON LIVING
by Mark Nepo (Sounds True, 2017)

By midmorning, I take Zuzu, our yellow Lab, for a walk. It’s there that the trees and birds begin to speak. Or rather, I begin to listen, as they’ve been sharing their secrets constantly. Most mornings, I see birds tending and feeding their young, flying to and fro with twigs, or pecking at the ground for seed. They’re always building and mending their makeshift nests. Much like us, going to and fro to gas up the car, and pay the bills, and get the tools we need to patch the roof. Endless tasks that keep us a part of life.

Today, we went for our walk a little closer to noon. The sun was everywhere and things seemed extra close. Perhaps my mind was more empty and my heart more full, but the tulips just opening and the wind ruffling the budding leaves seemed Eden-like. Then I saw a single bird perched atop the very tip of an enormous blue spruce. So easily balanced, it looked out on the world it would have to return to. Then I saw another perched atop an old oak. The birds pausing from their tasks became silent teachers, saying without saying that we need to fall in love with the ordinary rhythms of life, again and again. And when the tasks are done or have become too heavy to complete, we need to pause and perch atop our worries and concerns. So we can return to the world and do what needs to be done, until what sustains us reveals itself like the inside of a seed cracked by our beak.

Sermon

Text of this sermon is not yet available.

 


 

Most sermons during the past 20 years are available online through this website. Click on the index link below to find tables of all sermons for each year listed by date (newest to oldest) with topic and speaker. Click on a topic to go to that sermon.

SERMON INDEX

Podcasts of this and other sermons are also available for free on iTunes. You can find them by clicking on the podcast link below or copying and pasting this link. https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/first-unitarian-universalist/id372427776

PODCASTS

Be a Stream and Not a Swamp

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Meg Barnhouse
September 6, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

Autumn is upon us, school is starting back up, and we hope life is getting back to as regular a rhythm as can be in these days. All of that means it is time for us to gather together and share water communion. Join Rev. Meg as she speaks about letting joy flow through us rather than binding it to us and holding it all for ourselves.

 


 

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

A LITTLE PRINCESS
Frances Hodgson Burnett

If nature has made you for a giver your hands are born open and so is your heart. Although, there may be times when our hands are empty, your heart is always full and you can give things out of that. Warm things, kind things, sweet things. Help and comfort and laughter. And sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all.

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

AT HOME – A SHORT HISTORY OF PRIVATE LIFE
Bill Bryson

Originally the cellar served primarily as a cold store. Today, it holds the boiler, idle suit cases, out-of-season sporting equipment and many sealed cardboard boxes that are almost never opened; that are are alway carefuly transfered from house-to-house with every move in the belief that one day someone might want some baby clothes that have been kept in a box for twenty-five years.

Sermon

Text of this sermon is not yet available.

 


 

Most sermons during the past 20 years are available online through this website. Click on the index link below to find tables of all sermons for each year listed by date (newest to oldest) with topic and speaker. Click on a topic to go to that sermon.

SERMON INDEX

Podcasts of this and other sermons are also available for free on iTunes. You can find them by clicking on the podcast link below or copying and pasting this link. https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/first-unitarian-universalist/id372427776

PODCASTS

Balancing Acts

Listen to the sermon by clicking the play button above.

Rev. Chris Jimmerson
August 30, 2020
First UU Church of Austin
4700 Grover Ave., Austin, TX 78756
www.austinuu.org

In this time of Covid-19 and witnessing the violent treatment of protestors, it can seem hard to find our balance. Especially when the protestors are rising up against the violence and other horrible things being directed at black, brown and native people in the first place. Sometimes, we tend to think of balance as a sense of peace and calm, but perhaps balance also means accepting our fear, pain, anger and desire for justice in our world.

 


 

Chalice Lighting

This is the flame we hold in our hearts as we strive for justice for everyone. This is the light we shine on systems of oppression until they are no more. This is the warmth we share with one another as our struggle becomes our salvation.

Call to Worship

I arrive in the morning torn betwen a desire to improve or save the world and a desire to enjoy or savor the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

– E.B. White

Affirming Our Mission

Together we nourish souls, transform lives, and do justice to build the Beloved Community.

Learn more about Beloved Community at this link. – The King Center

Meditation Reading

DON’T JUST DO SOMETHING, SIT THERE
– Sylvia Bernstein

Equanimity doesn’t mean keeping things even. It is the capacity to return to balance in the midst of an alert response to life. I don’t want to be constantly calm. The cultural context I grew up in and the relational life I live both call for a passionate engaged response. I laugh and I cry and I’m glad that I do. What I value is the capacity to be balanced between times.

Sermon

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants.

It’s called balance.

That’s a social media meme by a very spiritual and wise woman named Rita. O. Jackson.

I loved it when our senior minister Meg sent it to me, because I think that in a humorous way, it so perfectly illustrates one of the seeming paradoxes of our topic today – finding balance, equanimity, harmony in life.

Sometimes we have to to through feeling out of sorts, experience the difficult emotions in order to grow and find even greater life balance.

I’ll come back to this later; however, I think I would be remiss, if in examining balance, I were not to begin by exploring the social unrest, the struggles for justice and the state-sanctioned violence being directed at those rising up to demand justice that are happening in our country right now.

Justice is often represented, symbolized, by Lady Justice holding up the scales of equity. This image is rooted in ancient Egyptian, Greek and, later, Roman Goddesses, who all carried out concepts associated with justice.

It’s interesting that our ancient ancestors seemed to think that females would best embody the balance of justice.

Today in the United States, those scales of justice are greatly imbalanced. They are imbalanced related to gender, gender identity, class, race, sexual orientation and so much more.

On one side of the scale, it is heavily weighted toward those who enjoy privilege, power, wealth and other resources.

The other side of the scale it is swinging haphazardly in the air, because there are too many folks for whom oppression affords them far less justice, far less privilege, far less access to power, wealth and other resources.

We have folks that own more than one mansion, yachts and expensive cars in the dozens, many of which they rarely if ever drive.

Do folks really need all of that, when in the meantime, we have people losing their housing, unable to provide the necessities of life for their families, unable to access healthcare when they or their loved ones get sick?

All of this greatly exacerbated by the pandemic, while the US Senate does nothing to keep their aide going.

But perhaps the scales of justice are out of equilibrium nowhere more greatly than in the systemic racism that pervades the very institutions of our society.

In particular, protests have arisen over law enforcement’s use of lethal force against black, brown and native American people.

In response to these demonstrations, the police have often inflicted violence against mostly peaceful protestors. They’ve labeled the protests as riots, even though much of the violence has in fact been committed by white supremacists who infiltrate the protests and initiate violence and other acts of destruction.

AND, even if that’s not always the case, as my colleague Misha Sanders recently wrote, “‘It’s sad that the police shot that man, but that doesn’t excuse burning things down.’ Stop right there. How about this instead: ‘It’s sad that things are burning down, but the police shouldn’t have shot that man.’ There, that’s better.”

Most recently, we have witnessed the police shooting of Jacob Blake after some kind of domestic disturbance. They shot him seven times in the back in front of his three young children as he tried to get into his SUV. He is currently paralyzed from the waist down and fighting for his life. Yet, the police have him handcuffed to his hospital bed.

We don’t know all the facts yet. Some reports claim that Blake may have had a knife. Still, how can that possibly justify shooting him in the back in front of his small children?

Funny how we never seem to hear about police shooting a white person in the back (or kneeling on their neck until they suffocate).

Of course, some folks claim that this is because of bias in news reporting.

No. The statistics have no bias. The statistics tells us we don’t hear about police shooting a white person, even if they do have a knife, because the police are so much less likely do so with white folks.

They are far more likely to use deescalation techniques instead.

And so we have to ask ourselves why, instead of using these same deescalation techniques, police so often use lethal force against our black, brown and native American siblings.

The scales of justice are profoundly out of balance.

Lady justice is weeping.

So, to build the Beloved Community, we must struggle to right these imbalances. And to sustain this struggle, I think requires us to try to seek harmony in our own lives. Creating balance may mean, we have to both savor and save the world.

And finding such balance is also a part of our own well-being and life-satisfaction.

Recently, I posted on Facebook, asking, “where are you finding balance in life these days?”

Here is a summary of many of the responses:

  • Getting outside, enjoying nature, gardening, hikes and walks, observing beauty.
  • Community, relationship, family, friends, loved ones, fellow church members.
  • Working out, water aerobics, various other forms of exercise.
  • Reading, learning new concepts and skills, listening to music, enjoying the arts.
  • Meditation, Yoga, Tai Chi, mindfulness.
  • Stopping for rest, taking naps.
  • Giving oneself projects, clearing out living spaces of what is not needed, setting up new routines to replace those we lost when the pandemic hit.

Notice how many of these could be thought of as spiritual practices.

Now, in all fairness, some of the Facebook comments ran in bit different direction, as epitomized by the following: “Balance? What balance? I’m an anxious ball of ever-evolving existential crisis!” And, “I’m no longer sure what balance means. Truthfully, I’d be much better balanced with a haircut.” And I loved this one, “I go lie down in the garden. You can’t fall off. It smells complicated. The bugs are good company. Sometimes I even lie face up!”

Several other folks mentioned a feeling of being on a seesaw or rollercoaster, experiencing ups and downs, feelings of trying to do too much and then not doing enough, tipping too hard in one direction and then too hard in the other.

These folks expressed a sense of only glimpsing balance in mid-swing of the seesawing.

And I think this is important too. Especially during challenging times such as these, we will have moments…or days…or weeks when we feel out of balance. That’s only natural. How can parents trying to decide what to do about their children’s education while often trying to work, maintain a home and find a moment for self care not feel out of sorts sometimes?

The thing is, we’re often sold this mirage that having balance means always feeling calm, collected and serene.

Some days though, we need to eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants.

And yet, life can seem imbalanced when we experience feelings like discomfort about facing uncertainty, sorrow at witnessing so many lives lost, anger over the proliferation of injustices.

I wonder though, if these emotions might also be potential sources of growth – a new, richer sense of balance.

Now, this certainly is not always the case. We have to acknowledge in some instances that things are just bad.

Sometimes though, discomfort can lead to transformation.

I think, especially during difficult times, we can also feel really imbalanced when we judge ourselves too harshly – set unrealistic expectations for ourselves.

I suspect that this may be especially true among Unitarian Universalists.

I know it is among me, myself and I!

To counter this, I turn to my favorite social work professor and author, Brene Brown.

Brown encourages us to realize that other folks are “doing the best they can with the tools that they have.”

Maybe, we can extend that same graciousness to ourselves.

We are enough. We, each of us, are doing the best we can with the tools that we have.

And we can still try to expand our toolkit, while also offering ourselves that grace along the way.

There is so much more I would love to say about balance; however, in the interest of leaving you time to balance the activities of your day, I’ll close by returning to those Facebook comments about finding balance through community, relationship, loved ones.

I think this applies very deeply with our church community.

We can help each other know harmony.

My beloveds, we are sacred companions on a holy journey together, as we seek to know and co-create the divine.

 


 

Most sermons during the past 20 years are available online through this website. Click on the index link below to find tables of all sermons for each year listed by date (newest to oldest) with topic and speaker. Click on a topic to go to that sermon.

SERMON INDEX

Podcasts of this and other sermons are also available for free on iTunes. You can find them by clicking on the podcast link below or copying and pasting this link. https://itunes.apple.com/podcast/first-unitarian-universalist/id372427776

PODCASTS